Is Motherhood Sexy?

The other day I got an email asking me if I was making motherhood sexy.

Gosh, I have no idea. Was I supposed to be? Would my kids describe me as sexy to their friends? Have I been doing this wrong the whole time?

I mean, it ended up being an email about pole dance exercising, which I deleted because it combines two things that I hate; taking my clothes off in front of others and lifting my own body weight, but it made me think.

Of all the instances in life I was supposed to be sexy, I thought motherhood would be one of the times I could tap out. Granted, I read exactly zero books on the subject, and got most of my pre-parenthood knowledge from old episodes of Tool Time, I didn’t know how to look sexy lugging around a baby carrier while wearing a poise pad the size of a Chipotle burrito. I have no idea how to sensually fish a booger out of my daughter’s nose with my pinky finger. I can’t master coming off as erotic with the giant vein bulging out of my forehead as I whisper death threats to my kids in the checkout line at Target. I don’t even think the alluring scent of my pheromones can make a dent through this layer of foreign body fluid that coats my skin and clothes on the daily.

I feel like the people who find motherhood sexy shouldn’t be near children, or, like, within 100 feet of schools.

Does Andy get emails with tips on how to make fatherhood look sexier? Because I mean, he’s hot and stuff, but I can’t tell if I’m attracted to his fathering skills or just the fact that he’s doing some of the crap so I don’t have to. Romantic Comedies dictate that we swoon over men who are good with children or pets, but considering the first baby I ever saw Andy come into contact with was punted to him out of my contracting vagina, I guess I’m an anomaly.

But, that email still bugged me.

Do you think I’m sexy?

Of course.

Do you think I’m sexy when I’m being a mom?

Well, when aren’t you being a mom?

Bingo. I was always being a mom, the same way Andy was always being a dad, and after six years and some change, I think we forgot how to turn that off so we could be sexy in a non-child related way. And I don’t know what that stupid email stirred up, but I really needed  us to be sexy in a non-child related way, which is something we both totally struggle with, mostly because we’re tired zombie shells of our former selves.

So, I took Andy out to dinner where we could talk in private, and it turns out, he was just as annoyed by me mom’ing him as I was him dad’ing me. So we laid down some ground rules over sushi.

It’s off-putting when you say the phrase “num nums” when you’re playing with my nipples.

It’s a little emasculating when you cut my meat for me.

I like when you call me mama, but like, only when you make it sound telanovela exotic and not Dora exotic.

I don’t like when you spell out sex words. Or when you sing dirty talk to the tune of Don’t Bite Your Friends. It messes up my rhythm.

Ticklefights are not foreplay.

If you finish first, don’t cheer me on in the same voice we use to get Gigi to go in the big potty, it’s weird.

When the kids go to sleep, you can either watch Duck Dynasty or have sex. You can’t combine the two.

I like that you name my penis. I don’t like that you named it the Ferocious Beast.

I know the wet spot on the bed is probably apple juice, but for a second, I’d like to pretend it’s not.

We clearly had no idea how annoying we had become. Let’s just say, by the end of dinner, both of us were asking for the bill using our big person voices.

 

 

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  1. says

    It gets harder the older the kids get too. At 16 and 15 – I can’t spell out sex words or talk dirty anymore, because they totally get what I am saying and are totally grossed out. Only saving grace, they are gone more. :)

    • Brittany says

      Andy and I sometimes talk about being the gross parents who are already all over eachother in front of our teens. You know, out of spite.

  2. Carrie says

    AMEN GIRL!!!!

    We have this same problem we make the time to be intimate but then we can’t shut off all the stupid parent talk.

    I’m sending this to my hubby. IT’S PERFECT!

    (and ferocious beast made me pee myself, girl. My kids loved that show!)

  3. says

    We didn’t have a lock on our bedroom door, and with the kid’s room right across the hall and their tendency to sneak into our bed at some point in the night, I just didn’t feel safe! I’ve discovered that I like a clear line between mother and sexy, that one time I had to stop the fun to nurse a baby kind of ruined me. So ANYWAY, guess what was on our bedroom door after I got back from Camp Mighty? A lock. I’ve never seen my husband do a home repair so fast.

    • Brittany says

      We still don’t have a lock. I have no idea WHAT we are waiting for. Our closet has a lock, GOD KNOWS WHY, so we always end up there. Ok this is BS we’re switching out the locks.

      • says

        I hope your closet isn’t the size of our closet!

        That’s what my husband did, he switched out the door handle from their bathroom that had a lock, which it shouldn’t have ANYWAY. Good luck. I swear it made a HUGE psychological difference because we got busy not soon after.

  4. Jess says

    I need to have this talk. My fiance calls my boobs “pigeons” in public. Why – I have no idea. I guess it’s his code so he can talk about them to me in front of other people. Because how often do you NEED to discuss my boobs with me in public? Apparently enough to create a code. But the use of “pigeon” in dirty talk in reference to my boobs has become unacceptable. I’ve got to take a stand!

    • Brittany says

      Take the stand. Pigeons are the dirtiest birds ever! And now I’m sucked into thinking of a hotter bird name for your breasts….

  5. says

    Even our date nights turn into discussions about kid stuff like schedules and swimming lessons. Someday we’ll be sexy again. I’m just thankful our girls can’t read yet, so I can still leave sexy notes for my Andy.

  6. hdj says

    You slayed me with “when you finish first, don’t cheer me on in the same voice we use to get Gigi to go on the potty”.

    • Brittany says

      If I ever get myself into a situation that I need to wear one of those again, I’m just going to buy the briefs. I’m not even ashamed.

  7. says

    “Num nums”. Hehe. I just want to stop calling my husband Daddy — not in the sexy-come-here-Papi kind of way but the hey-Daddy-can-you-hand-me-your-skiddy-underwear-so-I-can-wash-that-shit-already kind of way. Totally different kinds of ways.

    • Brittany says

      It’s weird, I’d hear my mom call my dad “dad” and my mom “mom,” but it never felt weird until I started doing it, and I think it’s because I see my parents as asexual….and I realize now that parents are NOT ASEXUAL STOP CALLING ME MAMA.

  8. says

    How sad is it that I don’t remember my last date night with my husband. We go out without our kids but it usually involves hanging out with other friends. I need to fix this.

  9. JackiTB says

    You don’t need a lock on the door. Just tell the kids you’re going to go have sex and they will stay away, I promise. Our kids learned a long time ago that they shouldn’t be freaked out that their parents have sex, but that they should be freaked if we stop having sex someday.

    As a bonus, they are the only kids in their classes who don’t spend the whole hour red faced and tongue tied when they have the Human development/Sex Ed unit at school.

  10. says

    This post has kept me laughing over here…I especially appreciate your ground rules. Everything I’m enthusiastic about these days sounds like a cheer for my toddlers. Annoying to all those around me, I’m sure!

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