This post contains spoilers. All kinds of spoilers. No joke.
I saw Breaking Dawn Part 2 in Palm Springs with my girls Allison, Alice and Keili this weekend. Ok, Andy went, too, but he refused to have it documented on iPhone film. Also, I totally wore my Vampire Baseball shirt, again. Dressing up for movies? The new most annoying part of my personality.
I was super careful not to read any reviews or spoilers, because well, first of all, I read the books and expected no spoilers, duh. Unless by spoilers they meant Kristen Stewart was going to stand upright and part her hair in a more central location than her left ear.
But, I had heard some whisperings that they changed the ending a bit, and I thought that maybe if I didn’t acknowledge it, it wouldn’t be true. Like this one rash I have.
However, unlike the rash, which turned out to be a benign detergent allergy, the rumors were true… the ending has been changed. THE ENDING HAS BEEN CHANGED.
I had a lot of feelings about it that night that I worked through with fist fulls of candy corn and Coronas, but after some intense processing, I’m finally able to lay out all my thoughts.
1. The Beginning: Right off the bat…I hated the beginning; first we had to sit through these misplaced long ass credits and then finally the movie starts and it’s like, never mind, we’re just gonna race through everything instead. Maybe they forgot, but at the end of BDP1, Edward was eating a baby out of Bella’s stomach and hand pumping venom through her dead body. Some transition from that would have been awesome. Instead we got a pale Bella in a cocktail dress flying through all the stages of vampire-dom with little to no struggle. I began to get worried that I was going to hate the entire movie because they were going to rush over all the awesome details.
2. Renesmee: Can we really have high hopes for a baby named Renesmee? Sorta. I mean, they released her photos early on, so I kinda assumed the role of Bella and Edward’s daughter would be played by actual children and not weird baby/toddler/kid hybrids they CGI’ed creepy faces onto. Listen Summit, I understand half vampire infants grow fast, but find a couple babies, pop some Toddler & Tiara flippers in their mouths, and you got yourself a Renesmee. The baby looked like a holographic Garbage Pale Kid trading card, and frankly, it gave me nightmares.
3. The Wolves: Alright, it all makes sense now. They drained the Make Renesmee Not A Creepy Realistic QVC Porcelain Baby Doll fund to restore the wolves to their pre-BDP1 glory, which is a welcome improvement, because after the previous werewolf shit-show, Bella could have been petting Taylor Lautner in a green-screen body suit and it’d have been more believable.
That goes in the win column. On the flip side, aside from Jacob, absolutely none of the Quileutes were present in the movie in human form, and since I suck at reading teenage emo wolf wimpering, I was kinda lost and unable to identify who was who.
4. Charlie: Thank God for him. That’s all.
5. Full-Glitz Vampires: Apparently, it takes five movies to finally get vampires who don’t look like they fell into a Hostess Donnette factory. The hair was better, the skin color was better, and Jasper finally resembled something other than a muppet version of the adult Nelson twins wearing lip gloss.
6. The Volturi Confrontation: Like I said, I did not know what was going to happen, so when Alice whispers now, Carlisle charges forward, and Aro lands…with his head, I lurched from my seat, pointed at the screen and screamed (yes, screamed) “NOOOOOO,” like, in slow “Maury Povich You Are Not The Father” motion. Andy was all, ok bring it down a notch, and I was like, no, no I will not bring it down a notch, this is wrong and it will not stand. But, it just got worse from there. Jasper died and then one by one the wolves and Esme fell to their deaths. Down was up, up was down, I damn near walked out, which is insane because I barely stand on principal about anything, so you obviously get the level of AWWWW HELLLLL NO we are talking about here. Just as I had accepted my fate and had a glimmer of satisfaction from the Volturi beheading, everything slammed back into reality, leaving Aro all, for reals?!, and Alice like, that’s right mother fuckers, and then I realized I hadn’t exhaled for, like, 4 minutes and I was sitting in a pool of my own piss.
7. The End: I know some people felt nostalgic with the way they recapped all of the past characters and whatever, and I will admit I was happy to see they acknowledged both Victorias, because to this day I feel like only the first Victoria counts, but honestly, it kinda felt like the series finale of One Tree Hill and we all left the theater with our menstrual cycles aligned.
The Verdict? It was touch and go for a while on the drive home, but now that I’ve slept on it, I decided I loved it. The fight scenes were bad ass, and I realize now that the book ending was kinda anti-climactic, so the fake “everybody dies “scene was a great way to spice things up. I loved all the new vampires, Emmett and Charlie were hilarious, and Bella was the least annoying of all the previous Bellas, which leads me to believe that teenagers only become semi-palatable when they are undead. The beginning was lame, and the ending recap was a snore, but I’ll look past that for the casting of the nomadic vampire, Garrett, aka Lee Pace, aka the name I will accidentally call Andy during sex later tonight.