Breaking Dawn: Part WHAT THE FUCK

This post contains spoilers. All kinds of spoilers. No joke.

I saw Breaking Dawn Part 2 in Palm Springs with my girls Allison, Alice and Keili this weekend. Ok, Andy went, too, but he refused to have it documented on iPhone film. Also, I totally wore my Vampire Baseball shirt, again. Dressing up for movies? The new most annoying part of my personality.

I was super careful not to read any reviews or spoilers, because well, first of all, I read the books and expected no spoilers, duh. Unless by spoilers they meant Kristen Stewart was going to stand upright and part her hair in a more central location than her left ear.

But, I had heard some whisperings that they changed the ending a bit, and I thought that maybe if I didn’t acknowledge it, it wouldn’t be true. Like this one rash I have.

However, unlike the rash, which turned out to be a benign detergent allergy, the rumors were true… the ending has been changed. THE ENDING HAS BEEN CHANGED.

I had a lot of feelings about it that night that I worked through with fist fulls of candy corn and Coronas, but after some intense processing, I’m finally able to lay out all my thoughts.

1. The Beginning: Right off the bat…I hated the beginning; first we had to sit through these misplaced long ass credits and then finally the movie starts and it’s like, never mind, we’re just gonna race through everything instead. Maybe they forgot, but at the end of BDP1, Edward was eating a baby out of Bella’s stomach and hand pumping venom through her dead body. Some transition from that would have been awesome. Instead we got a pale Bella in a cocktail dress flying through all the stages of vampire-dom with little to no struggle. I began to get worried that I was going to hate the entire movie because they were going to rush over all the awesome details.

2. Renesmee: Can we really have high hopes for a baby named Renesmee? Sorta. I mean, they released her photos early on, so I kinda assumed the role of Bella and Edward’s daughter would be played by actual children and not weird baby/toddler/kid hybrids they CGI’ed creepy faces onto. Listen Summit, I understand half vampire infants grow fast, but find a couple babies, pop some Toddler & Tiara flippers in their mouths, and you got yourself a Renesmee. The baby looked like a holographic Garbage Pale Kid trading card, and frankly, it gave me nightmares.

3. The Wolves: Alright, it all makes sense now. They drained the Make Renesmee Not A Creepy Realistic QVC Porcelain Baby Doll fund to restore the wolves to their pre-BDP1 glory, which is a welcome improvement, because after the previous werewolf shit-show, Bella could have been petting Taylor Lautner in a green-screen body suit and it’d have been more believable.

Oh Jacob…

That goes in the win column. On the flip side, aside from Jacob, absolutely none of the Quileutes were present in the movie in human form, and since I suck at reading teenage emo wolf wimpering, I was kinda lost and unable to identify who was who.

4. Charlie: Thank God for him. That’s all.

5. Full-Glitz Vampires: Apparently, it takes five movies to finally get vampires who don’t look like they fell into a Hostess Donnette factory. The hair was better, the skin color was better, and Jasper finally resembled something other than a muppet version of the adult Nelson twins wearing lip gloss.

6. The Volturi Confrontation: Like I said, I did not know what was going to happen, so when Alice whispers now, Carlisle charges forward, and Aro lands…with his head, I lurched from my seat, pointed at the screen and screamed (yes, screamed) “NOOOOOO,” like, in slow “Maury Povich You Are Not The Father” motion. Andy was all, ok bring it down a notch, and I was like, no, no I will not bring it down a notch, this is wrong and it will not stand. But, it just got worse from there. Jasper died and then one by one the wolves and Esme fell to their deaths. Down was up, up was down, I damn near walked out, which is insane because I barely stand on principal about anything, so you obviously get the level of AWWWW HELLLLL NO we are talking about here. Just as I had accepted my fate and had a glimmer of satisfaction from the Volturi beheading, everything slammed back into reality, leaving Aro all, for reals?!, and Alice like, that’s right mother fuckers, and then I realized I hadn’t exhaled for, like, 4 minutes and I was sitting in a pool of my own piss.

7. The End: I know some people felt nostalgic with the way they recapped all of the past characters and whatever, and I will admit I was happy to see they acknowledged both Victorias, because to this day I feel like only the first Victoria counts, but honestly, it kinda felt like the series finale of One Tree Hill and we all left the theater with our menstrual cycles aligned.

The Verdict? It was touch and go for a while on the drive home, but now that I’ve slept on it, I decided I loved it. The fight scenes were bad ass, and I realize now that the book ending was kinda anti-climactic, so the fake “everybody dies “scene was a great way to spice things up. I loved all the new vampires, Emmett and Charlie were hilarious, and Bella was the least annoying of all the previous Bellas, which leads me to believe that teenagers only become semi-palatable when they are undead. The beginning was lame, and the ending recap was a snore, but I’ll look past that for the casting of the nomadic vampire, Garrett, aka Lee Pace, aka the name I will accidentally call Andy during sex later tonight.

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  1. says

    I completely agree with your entire assessment (especially the Renesmee part)… except I liked the cheesy end part with all the characters. I think it was a soothing ending to calm us all down after the heart attacks we nearly had watching the battle scene. :)

    • Brittany says

      It definitely was soothing when I basically needed a lobotomy after that shock. I am seeing it again, so maybe I will feel differently about it the second time around.

  2. LouisianaMeredith says

    Have been dying to read your take! Gotta make this brief ’causebI’m due at the GYM….YAY, me!…

    I have always loved Charlie and Emmett is wonderful! His few lines always make me laugh long after the movie.

    Lee Pace is HOT for a dead dude.

    Please, please tell me that they de-fuglied Carlisle from the travesty of hair & make up in Part One! He’s too pretty to be uglier than Jasper in all previous movies!

    Cannot wait to see it! Well played, Flu, well played, you asshole!

  3. Jayme says

    I never planned on watching it since the I could barely sit through the first movie, but… EVERYONE dies??? WTF? That is so NOT a happy ending. I don’t know how I feel about this since I read all the books, and loved them.

    • Johanna says

      They don’t all actually die… It’s just Alice’s vision and she changes the outcome by showing Aro what could be. It was done well and was a total shocker. But then you breath a big sigh of relief when you figure out they were just messing with you.

  4. says

    I HATED the book. It was my least favorite of the series and at the end I felt like I’d just read 700 pages of foreplay and then… NOTHING. Don’t spend an entire book pumping me up for an epic battle and then all kiss and be friends!

    The movie ending is how the book SHOULD have ended. Thank God for screen writers!

    • SwingCheese says

      HA!!! I totally felt the same way about the ending!! All this build-up and for what? A flipping conversation? I almost threw the book across the room I was so pissed off at the ending.

    • Brittany says

      Agree, I actually really LOVED the ending, it was just a complete and utter shock to the system. But it was so fitting. SO FITTING.

  5. Johanna says

    I loved it! I totally agree that the end of the book was anti-climatic and the movie did a great job of spicing it up. There were some things that could have been better, but the books weren’t all that great to begin with, so I admire the people who made the movies for making them better. This last one was definitely the best.

    And yes, Lee Pace was super hot as a vampire. Did you ever watch him in “Pushing Daisies”? I was sad when they took it off the air.

  6. Melissa says

    WHAT????????????? You were in Palm Springs? How did I not know this? Seriously…. I live right down the street from that movie theater!
    I’m super bummed…..Are you still here? can we go get day drunk and dance with gay boys at Hunters?

  7. heather says

    I have been waiting since Friday night to read your reaction to the battle scene. I what the fucked so violently that I gum flew out of my mouth. With each death in that scene the entire theater shook from people freaking out. My husband had never read the books and didn’t understand why I was shredding his upper arm during what he thought was a most excellent battle scene.

    I love that they did that. I never in a million years thought they could possibly shock me.

  8. says

    Dude. Maybe I’m really a 14 year old girl and not a 40 year old woman with sagging everything but I LOVED THIS MOVIE through and through. OK I too was super pissed when Carlisle was beheaded but other than that, LOVED IT. and I also was teary at this being The End.
    Again, I’m clearly 14.

    • Brittany says

      No I loved it for sure, I was SHOCKED and disappointed some parts weren’t as detailed, but I have to say, it’s one of the best of this series.

  9. Amanda says

    Not a big Twilight fan, though I have watched all of them from the comfort of my own couch save BDP1 which I watched, also for free, on a plane. I do want to see the final installment eventually, but can I just say I’m totally freaking out right now! I had no idea that the guy in that poster was Lee Pace! As in Pushing Daisies Lee PACE! Mind blown the end.

  10. Amberlee LeTourneau says

    Anyone remember the past books or movies? There is a very important line from New Moon everyone should remember from Alice:  

    Alice Cullen: I didn’t see her. I didn’t see you getting pulled out of the water either.***I can’t see past you and your pack of mutts!***

    So did that change? Did I miss something where Alice can suddenly see visions that include the wolves? When it all started happening I had a similar reaction, but when Seth died I had enough “Oh F*** the nonsense”… I may have cried a little. Then Leah dies saving Esme and ya.. WTF was that Stephenie Meyer o.O

    Anywho.. I agree with your review on the movie with it being rushed, scary baby, and everything. The connection and details on all the characters just wasn’t there since it was so rushed + they left it all out.

    • says

      The wolf thing crossed my mind momentarily, too, but moreso when Jacob and Renesmee were running away. I figured since there was a vampire chasing them, maybe that meant Alice could still see them? I don’t know, but you’re right. That part is a little unclear.

    • Brittany says

      Hmmm… I am going to have to think about this. I wonder if Aro’s power somehow enabled her to see. Or maybe she couldn’t see when she was on the reservation? Damn it, I have to go back and re-read.

  11. Friday Ebersohl says

    I am so glad I am not the only who screamed no in the theater. A friend went with me you never read the books but just watched the movies looking at me like I was nuts. After informing her that this shit does not happen in the books I see the terror on her face. All in all (even with creepy baby) great movie ESPECIALLY with Mr. Lee Pace.

  12. Andrea says

    I absolutely LOVED it. My friend and I were freaking out during the battle scene, I kept saying “WTF” repeatedly all the while making the screamy-I’m-going-to-kill-the-screen-writer face. We saw it in an adults only swanky movie theater and the collective sigh of relief and simultaneous nervous laughter after they flashed back to Aro and Alice was pretty awesome. A movie hasn’t stressed me out that much in a looong time, I seriously needed a drink afterwards. I thought the ending was perfect, I loved the flashbacks – it made me all teary eyed *sob*

    My biggest issue is the wigs. Ya they were not bad at all in this one but you could still tell they were wearing wigs. With the amount of money that these movies bring in, you would think they could hire a better wig person.

    Also, Charlie. He’s seriously the best!

    • Brittany says

      I love Charlie. The wigs are hilarious at this point. But NOTHING was as bad as Bella’s wig when she was growing out her Runaways mullett.

  13. says

    I was at the “double feature” of BD 1 & 2 (a theater full of 30 and 40 something moms, BTW), and when Carlisle, um, lost his head…well we all kind of lost it (screaming. crying. obscenities). I also think I stopped breathing for a few minutes. My friend sitting next to me kept repeating ‘what the hell? what the hell?’ … and for the record, seeing it a 2nd time and KNOWING what was going to happen? Yeah. I still stopped breathing. Oh and to heck with Edward now…it’s all about Garrett.

  14. Andrea says

    I absolutely LOVED it. My friend and I were freaking out during the battle scene, I kept saying WTF repeatedly all the while making the screamy-I’m-going-to-kill-the-screen-writer face. We saw it in an adults only swanky movie theater and the collective sigh of relief and simultaneous nervous laughter after they flashed back to Aro and Alice was pretty awesome. A movie hasn’t stressed me out that much in a looong time, I seriously needed a drink afterwards. I thought the ending was perfect, I loved the flashbacks – it made me all teary eyed *sob*

    My biggest issue is the wigs. Ya, they were not bad at all in this one but you could still tell they were wearing wigs. With the amount of money that these movies bring in, you would think they could hire a better wig person.

    Also, Charlie. He’s seriously the best!

  15. erica says

    I agree! That baby was super freaky and its head kept like moving. Seriously, it almost made me motion sick. I too said WHAT?! My Mom was sitting next to me and I was like Mom (btw I am 29 my Mom is just full of the awesome) that did NOT happen in the book; and she wide eyed was like uh nope it didn’t. I love seeing movies on the day they come out because when that torch of flame was flying at Aro’s face and then the screen jumps out and you see Alice holding his hand and the horror on his face…the entire theatre started cheering. I think they did a great job with all of that and I can’t wait to see it again. I loved the books but I have moved between utter disgust and frustration with most of the movies before this one. I know that Bella was a whiny teenager but really? I think the first movie may have been the worst one.

  16. says

    Yes, I agreed with pretty much all of this. Great recap.

    I think I was embarrassing my friends by all my audible reactions during the fight scene. First they killed off Carlisle, who is awesome; then they killed of Jasper, who is my favorite; then they killed off Seth, who is my friend’s favorite (seriously); then Esme and more wolves??? I was beside myself.

    And thank goodness they only made Jasper have a Southern accent in Eclipse. I know that he actually was Southern in the book, but still. It was distracting since it wasn’t there from the beginning.

    OH MY GOSH, THE CREEPY BABY! It was seriously uncomfortable to watch.

    I was OK with the ending as well after it was all said and done (and everyone was still alive). The book ending was so easy and anticlimactic that I think this one filled in some of those gaping holes. And I’m a sucker for montages, so I liked the end credits.

    • Brittany says

      I can’t tell if his accent bugged me or like, his lips. It reminds me of when teens get braces, and then spend the first few weeks with their lips all chapped and chewed up.

  17. says

    Just saw it last night and OMG. I had a huge headache after the fight scene because I am pretty sure I forgot to breath most of it. But the best part was when it came back to reality and everyone in the theater realized that it was all in Alice’s head and it had never happened there was an loud gasp and lots of OMG’s heard in the theater!

    Oh and yea that baby was totally creepy!

  18. Desera says

    You are spot on! OMG my chin hit the floor when they ripped Carlisle’s head off! I really want to see it again though…sure that I missed something the first time! Loved the casting of all the new vampires as well. Charlie is a favorite character for me too. He is also in the new NBC show Revolution which I am hooked on; completely different character than I would ever expect after being Charlie, but such a believable badass!

  19. mommabird2345 says

    I had the exact same reaction during the fight scene. In fact, my sister had to tell me to quiet down because I was being really loud about it. But I loved the movie. All of it. I want to see it again.

  20. AngieM. says

    when carlisle got his head chopped off…it took me like 2 minutes for it to finally sink in.. WHAT THE F just happened. meanwhile, my 15 year old daughter was doing the deep, heavy, can’t hardly breathe, ugly farrah cry face….cry.

    awesome movie. creepy baby.

  21. says

    Holy Crap, you just wrote EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT I had (except for the really nauseous feeling I had the whole time from eating half a tub of over-buttered popcorn at 11:00am before the movie even started.). Thank God the wolves didn’t talk again, the baby gave me nightmares, and I sat there with my hands over my mouth gasping and FREAKING during the fight scene. And finally, the white makeup was toned down. But I have one question….
    Why weren’t they sparkling in the sunny field at the end?

  22. says

    I wanted to tell my co-worker all about this movie this morning, but since she wants to see it on her own & can’t spoil it for her. I’m still floored that I yelled, “No!” in the middle of a Twilight movie and the last time I did that was when the killed off Heath Ledger’s character in The Patriot… I’m still not quit over that.
    It was great meeting you. I finished About Last Night 10 mins ago, and I’m currently downloading The Angel :)

  23. says

    Best. Recap. Ever.

    Honestly, there was a point where you and I locked eyes over Sweet Andy’s head and had a mindmeld of WTF epicness. I felt sorry for anyone that was sitting around us because I have NEVER yelled in a movie before and I lost my shit. It was almost too much to take, and I am never a wuss.

    Thank Christ there was popcorn…


  24. says

    Saw it tonight! So glad I waited to read this until after I saw the movie. I loved the movie too, and agree with your review 100%. I was so bummed at the beginning, because Bella’s awakening in the book is one of my favorite scenes in the entire series. I love how she wakes up and everyone is in defensive stance, feeling her out a little. They have her in heels and she jumps out the window and comes back all messy…When they skipped all of those details, I thought they were going to blow a lot more. But really, I thought they did a good job of enhancing the existing story and they did make the lame, anti-climactic ending a lot better. It was a great way to end the finale.

  25. Jana Frerichs says

    As usual you are right on about everything, except the beginning. 😉 The transformation took place at the end of BDPT1 and that movie ended with Bella opening her eyes. The only thing I thought they should have done differently with the beginning was following the book better. When she first wakes up she jumps off the table in a freaked out defensive stance and all the Cullens are there. Anyways, yeah, the cgi baby/toddler SUCKED! And I thought the grown up Renesme in Alice’s vision was also too cgi’ed. But I LOVED the end. Of course I was shocked when everyone died, and was RELIEVED when they brought back to Alice showing Aro what would happen. That is how the book should have ended. The book was too anti climactic. Stephanie Meyer had this huge buildup to end with a bunch of vampires standing around staring at each other. I can’t help but think that even Stephanie Meyer has got to agree this was a better ending.

  26. Liz says

    So I watched this last night and I realized that you totally look like the actress who plays Rosalie. How cool is that?

  27. Sara says

    Brittany – Have you seen Lee Pace in The Fall? I love that movie, the cinematography is amazing and he’s so good in it.

  28. Brenna says

    Just saw it tonight and on the car trip home I read this post out loud because we have been avoiding your blog until we had seen it. We agreed with your assessment except for the beginning, her transition was covered in the end of BDP1 so we were okay with that part. Here is our two complaints: How can Alice “see” the wolves (and the battle, because the wolves are in it)? Second how is it that Benjamin can touch fire? Doesn’t fire+vamp= bad? I just have to say that I loved the scene where Jacob takes off his clothes in front of Charlie, it was perfect.

  29. says

    Ok I haven’t seen this yet but I love spoilers so I read it. And then I was like “I don’t remember a fight seen!” So I had to reread the book. And then I was all panicked because you had me thinking they added a fight and killed folks off. I was even considering not going for a second. (Who am i kidding I still would have gone, just under protest maybe lol) Thank god I came back and read the comments for the explanation. So I’m fairly certain I would have stopped breathing in the theater considering just hearing about this twist almost killed me!

  30. says

    I cannot tell you how many F bombs I dropped after the Aro holding Carlisle’s head thing happened. True – I want to kick Peter Facinelli in the balls after he left my beloved Kelly Taylor…err…Jennie Garth, but…

    I was NOT prepared for him to die. I was NOT prepared for Jasper [swoon] to die. When they showed Edward in the fiery ravine, I almost got up and walked out. I think my words were “Fuck you writers, fuck you producers, I am getting the fuck out of this stupid movie.”

    And then it was all fake. Well played Twilight franchise. Well fucking played.

  31. LouisianaMeredith says

    Best review EVER!

    I already commented but had to come back to add the following:

    I LOVED the recap at the end because my inner 16 year old and I can NEVER see Edward walk thru that cafeteria door or stare at Bella in the Meadow the first time ENOUGH–Ever!

    My love for Emmett and for Charlie knows no bounds.

    The night before the Volturi Showdown, we get the old BroodWard who totally blames himself for everything. Then, as per usual, Carlisle, a true DILF reminds BroodWard that he now knows real, true love and that any sacrifice is worth some measure of this. Then Edward looks over to Bella & Renesmee in the tent and freaking thanks Carlisle for giving him such an incredible life. OMG! Edward has finally come full circle and is upbeat & positive and, finally-for fuck’s sake-grateful for the gift of immortality! He has evolved due to love! I cannot tell you how much this one scene left me with my heart broken all over the sticky theatre floor!

    The Alaska cousins were a bit too “Real Housewives of Denali” looking for me….especially that Tanya, with whom I already have issues due to her decades of lusting for Edward. On the other hand? Kate & Garrett 4-Ever! Lee Pace, immortality suits you, Dude.

    I still have issues with Edward making his “Braveheart” speech to the Vamps about choosing how they want to live & what to fight for in a…..HOODIE! You know Alice was gone because that shit would *not* have gone down. Edward, who looks so fucking Christian Grey BTW, in “New Moon” wore a blazer–not a Hoodie.

    Seeing PrudeWard so sexual and BroodWard so damned happy was both lovely and sorta off-putting….I loved it but it was strange!

    Also, on a final note, I was weepy from the opening credits when the first notes of “Bella’s Lullaby” kicked in…..I can still see Edward at the piano in the first movie playing it for Bella and I still swoon!

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