Cough & Pee

I’ve had this consistent dry cough for six days.

It’s not even productive, and it bugs that I even know how to quantify a productive cough, because if you were to ask me pre-kids if my cough was productive, I would have been like, fuck yeah it’s productive, it just ate 2 sleeves of saltines and re-watched 18 episodes of Freaks & geeks.

So, it’s basically just me sitting here working on the couch with a pile of dry underwear next to me.

Ohio is sneaky like that. Fall comes and it’s magical. The leaves, the smells, the crisp temps, and you think, wow… this is why we live here! Halloween comes, and I’m on cloud nine. But, Ohio Halloweens are like the Lindsay Lohan of holidays. They bust in all Mean Girls, and you think, this is gonna be awesome.

You put up decorations, you carve pumpkins, you drink spiked cider, and ready the costumes, then you wake up October 31st to rain, sleet and slush. Congratulations, Halloween just Georgia Rule’d you.

And now, this week of cough incontinence is the prize you get for trudging along outside in the crud for candy, even though nobody can see your costumes anyways, because you’re wearing a fucking snowsuit.

So, this is what happened while I was coughing and peeing my pants…

1. The election. I could not be happier this shit is over. I can watch live TV again. I can drive past the airport without sitting in traffic for three hours because someone is here campaigning in Ohio, the battlegroundy of all the battleground states. I can stop walking around dunk all day after the required one shot per mention of the phrase “job creation.” Obama won, Facebook went emo, we ordered Thai for dinner, the end.

2. Andy decided to grow a mustache for Movember, two seconds later, we’re wondering what to do next. He basically grows hair like those playdough hairstyle things from he 80’s.

3. Because hindsight is awesome, I took us all to the doctor yesterday for flu shots, which is something we take super seriously in this house. Apparently they changed the flu shots from being like, a shot, to this crazy needle that inserts flu juice under your skin into a blister. Only the kids are still allowed to win the regular shots. I spent all of yesterday wounded and under the influence of Tracker Jacker venom.

4. Jude told me his favorite singer is Weird Al Yankovic. I slow clapped.

5. I ran out of space on my iPhone, and in true first world fashion, I plan to throw it in the garbage and buy a new one. Or a Galaxy S III. I need help deciding (hint, hint).

6. We saw Wreck It Ralph, it was adorable and I cried. I swear, the best thing Andy and I ever did as parents was start taking our kids to movie theaters early. They love it, sit for the whole movie, and it’s at least an hour that we get to quietly relax and eat popcorn. Plus, I look forward to the day they are too ashamed to sit in the same row as us, and I can discreetly make out and get fingered in the dark.

7. Something else has been happening. I’ll tell you about it Monday.

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  1. Amy says

    I have s galaxy. It wsd free so it’s not the latest version, but I love it. The Verizon guy told me it was faster than the free iPhone and computed website pictures better

  2. Breckyn says

    Go for the Galaxy S III. I have it and I love it more than anything. I have 16gb of internal memory (if you really want you can get 32gb) but I also have a 16gb SD card, so either way I have 32. Cool apps, nice camera. Just let it happen, make the switch!

    • Brittany says

      I think I have been talked into this. The speed is appealing, and am willing to go back to droid-land for apps. I also REALLY love how big the screen is.

  3. Amy says

    I have a galaxy; I’m sure it’s not the latest but I love it. When I went in for an upgrade the Verizon guy told me the galaxy (which was free and had a $50 mail in rebAte) was better at computing website l pictures and had faster internet speed. But each of these models were about 2 generations ago.

      • Amy says

        Sorry I posted so many times…..thought it wasn’t posting. I think it’s pretty easy but then again I also don’t read directions or fine print- I leave that up to the husband! I also got a Bluetooth which I am a big fan of now. Hands free to be on the wheel at all times is a good thing.

      • Lisa says

        I’m honestly shocked that iphone people are still going with the iphone with the galaxy s3 is SO much better all the way around. You will love it. And the droid app store is seriously, no different. There might be one app out of 200 that you won’t be able to find. Enjoy your new phone – i LOVE mine!

  4. marcela says

    Nooooooo! I can’t wait til Monday! Oh well. My birthday is Saturday gonna get drunk so Monday gets here quicker. 😉

  5. Susan says

    Galaxy S 3 and love love it! My little bro works for Verizon and tossed his iphone when the S3 came out. It’s so much cooler and functionally better.

  6. says

    So, because I still have (and love) my blackberry, am I basically shunned now?

    Side note: our movie theatre has private viewing booths. For ten extra bucks, you can go upstairs where the projectors are, there are two bucket seats, and a couch. Yeah, a friggin’ couch! Plus, they close the door and you can lock it from the inside. So, you can watch the movie, look down and see who’s making out and getting fingered in the seats below you, or basically ignore the movie you spent the money on and have uninterrupted quasi public sex, and then eat your extra buttered popcorn. WIN!

    • says

      I’d be smuggling in some plastic sheets to cover that (literally) “fucking couch” with because, you know: EWW! I’ve watched too much CSI to want to have sex on public furniture.
      With the exception of maybe wooden picnic tables at midnight or something. And still….requires some sort of fabric under you to prevent splinters.

  7. Stacey says

    Does it count that I shot coffee at the screen when I read make out and get fingered in the movies. I love you! I don’t often comment, but that made my morning!

  8. Annie says

    I had bronchitis when my baby was 4 days old. I just sat in a chair with a giant hospital pad and coughed and peed for 48 hours straight. It was so gross. People were comming over to see the new baby and I was coughing and pouring pee and they had no idea how discusting I was while they just sat there and talked to me.

  9. LinzJupiter says

    Hear me now, thank me later. Honey, plain old honey, takes down my bronchitis-ey cough every time. When I first heard about it, I was like ‘right, it just works because you crazy hippies are smoking enough weed’.

    But no, it really works! Better than cough syrup! Take a teaspoonful and let it kind of melt in your mouth. Repeat as necessary. I think this is safe for preggos too — ladies? are you allowed to have honey?

    Which is great, because plain old DM cough syrup makes me freak the hell out. And I’m sick of the walls melting every time I get a cold.

  10. says

    I love my SIII… but, and maybe it’s a Canadian thing, or maybe just our carrier? But everyone I know has the same problem. When you go to your email inbox and delete emails, it then re-sends any and all emails left in your inbox. Know what I mean?? It’s SO fucking annoying and I only get, like 3 emails a week, but that stupid forward from 2007 that I just can’t delete (The Yellow Shirt one, anyone?) gets re-sent and re-sent… not sure if this is a problem that can be fixed, or for real, maybe it’s just in Canada. haha

  11. says

    Been hearing great things about the Galaxy – so there’s that.

    After three kids, the first 1 being well over 9 pounds (16 years later she has yet to be forgiven), I have lost all modesty about mommy incontinence. It is what it is. Just pisses me off that guys don’t have to deal with all this crap. They would just ball up in a corner and sob all day.

    I my hubby went for the full beard for Movember. He’s a hairy guy so project was complete by 3 pm on Nov. 1.

  12. Adria says

    Gonna need a review of the S III if you do get it. I’m severely team iPhone so it would take a lot of convincing. But you’ve had both so I feel like you could do it objectively.

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