A Hot Bed of Sexual Insecurities

In this moment, my biggest regret in life is not living years 21-24 completely naked. Not having sex with the lights on, and video taping it. Not making out with a lower class drifter in the bottom of a boat and let him sketch nude pictures of me. I could go on, but you know, basically all of those things. No wait, I also regret the kanji symbol I got tattooed on my butt in 2000, and I still have no idea how I ever conned Andy into coming with me and getting a matching one.

But that regret is minimal compared to the not being naked more one, because now I feel like I am never naked. In the shower, yes, but not anywhere else. I always have something on, some piece that is somehow engineered to hold something up, or squish something down, and it’s like, WHAT DOES MY ACTUAL SKIN EVEN FEEL LIKE ANYMORE, YOU GUYS!?

If I had a baby right now, and they told me to do some sort of skin to skin therapy to get it to eat, that baby would probably starve to death…unless somehow lyrca induces the desire to nurse.

I was in bed with just Andy last night, a rarity in a house full of children who always need just one more thing, when I broke down crying.

Which is normal because all the best sexual experiences end in tears, right? No? Just mine?

Here he is, this gorgeous man who genuinely finds me attractive enough to want to ravish me, or rather in our exhausted state, hit privates against in a rhythm somewhat similar to the Dora the Explorer song, and I’m miserable and sobbing with my tank top still on all, maintain eye contact right now! Because at that point, I felt sexy from like, my chin up. My main chin, not that other one.

I’m sorry, I just can’t do this right now.

We’ve done it while you cried before, remember on the couch after War Horse?

No, it’s not War Horse tears, I’m crying because I feel gross.

I think you look hot.

I don’t, I just feel disgusting right now, like my whole body.

Well, don’t I get a say in this?

Gosh, I don’t know… I guess I had never thought about it. My immediate reaction was no, no you don’t get a say, asshole. I mean, I could suck it up and do it, and he might have a good time, but I’d be checked out, too consumed with worrying about what’s jiggling, slapping and drooping, and that’s not what I want to feel during sex… at least not that kind of slapping.

And I realized this was the last place I felt insecure, and it has nothing to do with what I think Andy is going to see. We’re long past the a baby ripped out of that hole I need a moment phase, and I consider how many pencils I can hold under my boobs without a bra on to be a braggable achievement. He knows I have a tummy flap. He knows my boobs slip into my armpits when I lay down. He knows that my thighs touch together, and that I don’t like him touching my stomach when I’m on my knees, and that sometimes air just gets trapped in there and it’s a normal sound to make.

But him knowing those things isn’t the same as me feeling those things, and it’s super hard to make him understand that. I’ve gained a few pounds, but my clothes still fit and I’ve long since stop screaming when I catch myself in the mirror getting out of the shower thinking Sam Kinison was in my bathroom. I feel sexy and curvy as hell in a pair of skinny jeans with platform heels. It is a benchmark that took me forever to reach, and I want to feel that sexiness while having actual sex with another person, because that sounds way more fun than feeling all the shit I currently feel, which is mostly that my lower stomach looks like a vagina, my nipples point south, I’m in desperate need of some ladyscaping, and OMG my lungs physically hurt from being sucked in this Spanx tube, I haven’t fully exhaled since 9am, I’m probably internally poisoning myself with trapped carbon dioxide.

I talk a mean game, and I’ll fight you to the death over the last unbroken taco shell and what defines beauty in the country, but I’d be lying to your face if I said I didn’t still struggle with myself over feeling beautiful in my own skin sometimes.

This is one of those times.

(Also, no seriously, post-coital noises are normal. Stop making me insecure about it, Google.)

 

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  1. Kara says

    THANK YOU! I am a strong, sexy, (usually) confidant woman with a wonderful husband who loves me for MY breastfeeding boobs, baby flap, and thighs that touch, but sometimes it is so hard to feel those feelins about myself. Well said!

  2. says

    Please. please ,please ladies can we all take a deep breath and relaise just how much our husbands GENUINELY love us and think we are the hottest thing next to the sun. can we stop comparing ourselves to stick thin models who are (a) starving themselves and (b) airburshed to hell? can we all stop comparing ourselves to the stars who pop out a baby and return to “normal”after days rther than weeks? They have nutritionists, personal trainers, and nannies to help all that happen, not a magic wand.
    I am 50 and none of my body parts look like they did when I was 20 ( and oh was I hot then!). Guess what? They are not supposed to! Its called life ladies, maturing, giving birth, becoming a women. In the past these things were honoured and revered. Just google images of the goddess from the past and you will see she was all boobs, belly and butt. Why ? becuase giving birth, creating life needs those things!
    Now we have become obsessed with youth and flat stomach and large breast. those things only go together with plastic surgery.So take a deep breath and remember you are a beautiful, real, sexy women and your man loves YOU not some airbrushed, touched up version of you. He loves the beauty that flows out from inside of you. He even loves those noises! Trust me, I know. I’ve been married for 20 years.
    You can read my blog here http://cgrace4wellbeing.blogspot.co.nz/ or join my facebook page here https://www.facebook.com/caitlin.grace4

  3. says

    I haven’t pooped out any babies, am 33, & things have started making noises where there once was taut silence. I’m going to assume that’s standard lady part depreciation.

    When you take in the sights of your world – family, career, home – and see pure beauty, consider that you’re the center of that world. Reflections and whatnot.

    • Irma says

      I hope that no on has “pooped” out a baby. LOL

      Maybe someone lied to you and told you that “that hole” was the one to “do it” in. Methinks you need to read some books or watch some movies and then, if you desire, deserve, “pop” out a baby.

      Just messing with you. I know how effed typos can be. ; )

  4. L says

    Thank you for this post! Sadly it’s comforting to know that I am not the only one who is my own worst enemy. It’s so so hard to stop the negative thought process about yourself. I hear someone say once to ignore thoughts that you would never say to someone else. So I try. But it’s hard to ignore how you really feel. How do you really accept yourself if you aren’t happy yourself, even if there is worse. It’s hard to not feel like it could be better also.

  5. Jen says

    I feel so happy that your husband is a reassurance for you. About two years ago, my husband started to point out the fact that I was gaining weight. He is a good man but obviously lacks somewhat in sensitivity. He was right though…I had gained a fair amount of weight since getting married…but it still pissed me off to hear it. I felt bad about myself as it was, I didn’t need to hear it from him – especially since he wasn’t offering to be part of a solution such as working out or cooking healthy meals together. It’s a long story, but I started crossfit and am feeling so much better about myself. And for me it isn’t so much about losing the weight but feeling strong. I feel like I’m doing something good and healthy for myself. I guess my point is that I understand how it is to not feel so great about your body. I so encourage you to be kind to yourself. Do things to take care of yourself – paint your toenails a vampy color, work those heels, go to an exercise class – whatever makes you feel good and helps reinforce how AWESOME you are!

  6. Correen says

    I can’t stand my body. Honestly. I am repulsed by myself. I keep listing the things my body can do : carried 3 babies to term, nursed 2 for a year apiece and am still nursing #3, carry a screaming toddler & the baby, work out, run and play but it doesn’t help. My stomach is flabby and my boobs will look like I ironed them when I’m done nursing. Yet my husband attacks me every. Single. Day. I can’t understand why.

    • says

      You have no idea how sad this makes me Correen. You husband attacks you ( Im assuming you mean in a good way LOL) because he loves you. You are so much more than just your body! you are the mother of his children, his wife, his lover. You are more even than this. Looks make up such a small part of who we are and yet we fixate on it.
      Try writing a gratitude list of all the good things your boddy fdoes for you: It heals itself. It grows your hair, nails and skin without you having to think about it. It digests your food. the list is endless. Now focus on one part of your body that you love whether its your eys or the way your butt looks in jeans and give thanks for that every day. Then pick part of your body that your husband LOVES that you are not so keen on and give thanks for that every day. It will slowly but surely shift your enmergy until you begin to realise just how awesome you are.

    • Chris says

      Correen,
      Honey, you are a flesh and bone GODDESS full of LIFE and POWER! Put those shoulders back, raise that chin and you strut that glorious body that gives and sustains not just your life but has created and sustained three other lives. Your mate craves and worships at the alter of life and lust that is all you. Revel in it Sister!

  7. Nikko says

    Thank you for posting this! I have this same meltdown every so often & it has nothing to do with how my husband views me. I sometimes think he must be blind because surely looking at my c-section pooch and saggy boobs couldn’t turn anyone on. Somehow it does though and I just have to suck it up and get over my own head issues.

  8. Tina says

    I have been overweight my whole damned life and hated this body. I’m 31, never been preganat( not for lack of trying) and my body sounds exactly like yours. This is the smallest I have ever been and I’m still overweight for my height. I have never had thighs that didn’t rub together causing horrible chaffing ( I still can’t wear shirts without the fear that the inside thigh of the short is going to ride up into my lady parts!). But I’m lucky cause I know my
    Husband thinks I’m sexy, and when we are alone in bed I embrace that power of driving him crazy and that makes me feel sexy even with all the tummy flap noises, but sometimes I worry and freak out too. Sometimes the fear and insecurity just sort takes over, but I try to remember that he loves me and I need to see myself through his eyes.

  9. says

    All I can say is thank you. I can’t always express how I feel about my body, and you just hit the nail on the head.

    Sometimes a curvy girl just has to cry.

  10. says

    Well, I can relate to the whole body image in my mind thing…though not to the sex since my husband has been working overseas for the last 6 mos…
    But I bought a new dress off the rack yesterday and I came home and tried it on and found that it clutches my belly flap in a really far too familiar way for a new dress. *sigh* I knew I’d eaten my stress and loneliness since he left…but damn! GOTTA stop this sedentary pity party soon or have wasted 140 Pounds on a dress that collects dust in the closet.

  11. SwingCheese says

    When I have doubts about being naked with my husband, I also try to keep this in mind: when we met, I was 23. I don’t look like that anymore. But, he was 28, and he doesn’t look the same either. And I think he’s better looking and sexier now than I did when we met, which I suspect has less to do with looks and more to do with everything that binds us together. All the things we’ve tackled together over the years have led me to love him in a way that goes far beyond what he looks like, and I have to assume he feels the same way about me (though, for the record, he’s still good-looking).

    And the first time after we did it doggy style, post-baby, it was…noisy. Which made us laugh. Which made it noisier. Which made us both laugh harder. It is a vicious cycle.

  12. says

    Sometimes when we’ve been through a dry spell (pun intended) for a week or more, I actually get shy about doing it with him again. Because I’ve gotten all comfortable with just getting comfy, doing the peck on the cheek thing and saying goodnight. Sex makes me nervous after a while without it, like, I worry that I forgot how to be in any way good at it, or that he doesn’t find me sexy anymore but just needs to get off.
    We are all our own worst enemies.
    You’ll get past this.

  13. says

    UGH, my husband and I have this conversation seemingly endlessly. He thinks I’m beautiful, and miracle of miracles, actually wants to have sex with me. But I feel like a mega-frumpy, overweight shadow of my 22 year old self, and it’s hard to get sexy when you don’t feel sexy.

  14. Kelly says

    I’d like to hug you, but let me blow my nose first so I don’t get boogers on you, you’re okay with tears though right. I am amased at your ability to hit the feelings I carry inside me on the head. I love you Brittany. I really do. You know in a really non-scary way.

  15. Bekah says

    “that sometimes air just gets trapped in there and it’s a normal sound to make.”

    What they never told you during the birds and bees talk or in a porno where we learn everything else. Seriously gals, talk to your daughters about vagina burps and save them that awkward “WTF was that?!” pause they’ll eventually have.

  16. Jessica says

    So I’ve been munching on your post and all the comments for a few hours now…and decided to come back and leave one myself.
    I’ve been with my husband for ten years, and other than about ten gray hairs and a few adorable wrinkles around his eyes, he looks EXACTLY the same. I’m sure you know where I’m going with this…I. Do. Not.
    Reading your post was like looking in a mirror and seeing myself, except for one small detail. Your husband WANTS to see you and ENJOYS seeing all of you.
    See back when I was 60 lbs. lighter with no stretch marks and perfect tits, my wonderful sexy husband was very honest with me. He let me know that he was not attracted to curvier girls. One of our married friends had stopped having sex for a few months and he let me know that it was due to her gaining about 80 lbs. He said, “I don’t care what excuses he gives her, men want sex. I know he loves her, and he’ll stay with her, but he isn’t attracted to her anymore. So if she wants more action in the bedroom, you need to tell her she needs to hit the gym and stop stuffing her face. She needs to be attractive again.” Fast forward thru the years of babies, stressful moves, yo-yo diets and now those words ring in my head every time he sees me naked. He tells me he loves me, and I see and believe it. He shows me in the bedroom on a regular basis, but deep down(in my soul) I know he is not attracted(key word) to me anymore. I don’t blame him for feeling that way, but it still hurts. We’re only human after all. You can’t help what you’re attracted to and what you’re not. I try and fail over and over to get closer to the “ideal”(which is about 40 lbs. lighter), but it never clicks. The strange thing is, I don’t mind my weight and body. It doesn’t bother ME. I would have sex outside on the roof of my car during rush hour if I knew that he was attracted to me. I think that’s what you and all the other ladies have, a husband that wants you regardless. Someone that does want to enjoy seeing every inch of you. You don’t know how blessed you are.
    I don’t think I have that though. So not much naked daylight sex here…

    • SwingCheese says

      Oh, that sounds lonely. Have you talked with him about it recently? Sometimes, our standards change over time – I’ve found with age that I’ve generally become more forgiving. Perhaps what he said when he was a young man isn’t what he thinks any more. You could be torturing yourself with something that is no longer true. Or you could bite the bullet, ask him about it, and find out that it is still very much true. (I’m not sure that I’d have the courage to ask him, were I in your shoes.) But you must feel very hurt and raw about this situation. I certainly would.

      • says

        I bet your husnbadn has long since forgotten his remark. If you know and feel that he loves you and he is still having sex with you then trust me he IS attracted to you. Love goes so much deeper than the physical and you mean a lot to him becuase you are the mother of his children, his lovr and his wife. Please let his thoughtless remarks go. Be honest with him and let him know how vulnerable that comment has made you. Opening up to your partner will make you both feel better in the long run.

    • says

      Oh, Jessica. Please consider your husband’s previous comments in the light of who and where he was in life at the time. So many of us make these “definitive statements” about what we like and don’t like, will and won’t do, will and won’t tolerate. (“If anyone ever talked to me like that, I’d . . . ” “If my man ever cheated on me, I’d . . . “) And then . . . life happens. When your husband was young and stupid, er . . . idealistic . . . and had a wife with a perfect body, it was easy for him to say he only liked a certain body type. People evolve. Bodies evolve. And thankfully, beliefs evolve.

      First, I would be willing to wager that your husband does not even recall having made such a statement to you. It’s probably up there in his memory with, “Yeah, honey, I love that china pattern, too. It really does capture our relationship.” Second, if he does remember saying it, it is probably eating at him (if he is a decent man, which I suspect he is.) TALK to him! Ask him about it. “Remember that time waaay back when you said to me . . .” If – IF – he remembers, he will likely be mortified, and apologetic and desperate to convince you more than ever just how much he loves you and your body exactly as it is. Unless you ask and open up the conversation, those words will haunt you and be between you forever. Give him a chance to explain himself and apologize (diamond earrings are nice), and give yourself a chance to trust him and be happy. HUGS!!

  17. Jess says

    Are you in my head? Or have my life under surveillance? This post was like I was reading about myself!!! The thought of being naked anymore just freaks me out…is it socially acceptable to shower completely clothed??? I freak out on my husband constantly because I’m convinced he no longer finds me attractive. We’re totally our own worst enemies…

  18. Rebecca says

    Oh my goodness… I have been LIVING in those tank tops with the panel that smooths out your tummy (because large and smooth seems better than large and bulgy?) since my son was born… err 12 months ago… Anyway, I can totally relate to the “what does my real body even look/feel like” until this week when I went without it. OMG I CAN BREATHE!!! Still not going to have sex naked but yeah… feels wonderful. I think my stomach muscles have forgotten how to suck in on their own.

  19. Chrissi says

    I feel the same way about my body. 3 kids in a 4 year span I gained about 80 lbs. I have lost about 60 lbs this year and have 30 more to get to my ideal weight. I HATE my body. every stinking part of it. Yet, for reasons I can’t fathom my husband tells me every day how much he loves my curves and loves me and I FEEL he is still attracted to me even though I tell him he shouldn’t be. but he is. I hope someday I can love my body the way he loves it. Brittany you are amazing. I love your blog!

  20. says

    After an entire lifetime of being heavy, I reached my highest weight and was wearing a size 24 at the age of 37. I had developed Type II Diabetes. I had joint pain. And I had a gastric bypass that was a tremendous success, and I got skinny. Really skinny. I looked . . . well . . . like everyone seems to think we’re supposed to look. (I felt like I would snap in half, and I was cold all the time.) I even got to have a tummy tuck and got rid of my saggy tummy flap. I was all flat stomach and hipbones and no muffin top and great cheekbones. My thighs did NOT touch! I loved shopping for clothes – it was like the best fantasy come true ever, shopping for clothes as a size 6. Size XS was my friend. I wore a bikini. I got a brazilian wax. It was such a fantasy that I ran up credit card bills like a volcano springing up overnight in a Mexican farmer’s field. Seriously. And despite having plenty of great (and noisy) sex and really liking what I saw in the mirror, I still couldn’t quite believe that my husband wanted me. ME?!? (But the clothes rocked.)

    And then I started having seizures, and the anti-seizure meds caused weight gain. Three years later, I am a size 16/18 again, and shopping for clothes isn’t quite as much fun. (Although it’s getting better with more designers – ahem, Lands End and Lucky Plus – making stylish clothing above a size 12.) I have curtailed my personal contribution to the national credit card debt crisis. And my husband still wants me – ME! – and we have even better, noisier sex. At a 4, or a 14 or a 24, you’re still you. I’m still me. At 43 years old and a size 16/18, I’m still the hottest naked woman in my house. I have been to the mountaintop, ladies, and frankly – it’s not all that. I’ll keep the happy home life, healthy kid, smaller credit card bills, noisy skin-slapping sex – and the muffin top and thighs that touch. To turn a phrase: “No outfit looks as good as a happy life feels.”

  21. says

    um, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. Been there, been past it, and been back again. Now I’m 37 weeks pregnant and I can’t even look in the mirror (ironically) at anything but my belly without getting depressed. I am SO not thinking of sex and yet my husband still tells me he thinks I’m hot. Even at 37 weeks pregnant. I think there is something wrong with him. Because seriously, I do NOT feel anything about me is sexy. Like, At. All. But even when I’m not pregnant, I’ve always been “overweight” and have felt that way many times. In fact, there is only 1 year in my entire life (29-30) where I felt good about my body and actually felt sexy. Other than that…….. yeeeah. Nope. After this baby, I hope I can find the motivation to get back to that. For now, I’m flabby and swollen and stretched and I’m keeping my clothes on!

  22. says

    These are very similar to my thoughts a couple nights ago. It’s a crummy feeling. I once told my husband there might be something wrong/weird about him if he was actually attracted to my body. He told me that was an awful thing to say about either of us and I’ve never said it again. I think that you are gorgeous. Like, I see your photos and wish I could look that great. I imagine (sort of hope) that on my really good days people think the same about me. Be good to yourself. I’ll remind myself that I need to do the same. :)

  23. MMMvino says

    I so get this. My situation may be laughable to some, however regardless of the size I am now, I use to be much, much thinner than I am now. Okay, honestly I don’t want to go back to that “skinny,” but i was always the skinny girl and for a long time I feel fat. I have my good days of loving that I finally have boobs and some curves, however, there are more days that I feel large. Again, I know there is a lot of eye rolling, but truly for myself, I don’t care 100% for this person that I have become. I may seem skinny to others but its relative to how I looked 7 years ago.But do I exercise? HELL NO, I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH GOING ON! I eat healthy, really I do. The one downfall…..empty calories, which equals self medication, which equals wine and/or beer. WTF? I need to stop looking at magazines and victoria secret and JUST BE ME and BE OKAY WITH ME. Oh…..most days that is difficult! And Brittany, thank you for sharing, you are not alone. really you aren’t. and p/s, i think you are beautiful.

  24. Hilary says

    You know what kills me? If a man had given birth to ONE child, let alone THREE, he would strut around with his 70+ pounds of baby weight and anyone who even mentioned it would get an earful: “Excuse me?? I had a baby! Nine months of growing another human in my body! If I have some extra weight, then you can kiss my fat behind because I created LIFE!” No way men would bat an eyelash. Women on the other hand have to deal with countless magazine covers of airbrushed celebrities who apparently went back to a size zero in two months. My biggest concern is not so much my own self-image which is okay (I’m always wishing for 10 lbs. to magically melt away overnight), but making sure my four year old daughter hears me consistently tell her how awesome she is: smart, kind, strong, independent, creative and beautiful. It’s the next generation of women I’m worried about . . .

  25. Lindsey says

    Thank you for this….I have gained a good 10-12 pounds in the last year; the entire time I have been with my boyfriend and knowing that he saw the thinner version of me in the beginning, and now my thighs rub together and my tummy is not all flat and shit; has been so hard for me…..despite the fact that he tells me that “yes, babe…you have gained a few pounds but you are beautiful and I love your curves”, I am insecure in the bedroom. He is a very blunt, honest man so I believe him….and most of the time, I appreciate and embrace my curves. But just like you, I struggle with feeling beautiful. So thanks again….and keep writing; you make my day!!

  26. says

    I identify with so, so much of this. Why does no one tell you what happens to your body having babies, having c-sections? I now tell my friends and I will tell my daughter and my daughters-in-law.

    Anyway. In the last couple of years I have been changing a lot and part of that has been my self-perception. In a lot of ways, I’m pushing myself hard to be the badass chick that I know I am. I’ve only let that part of myself shine in certain areas, though. For the longest time I felt like I wanted to be sexy but that was only possible if I lost weight, got a tummy tuck, etc.

    I know this sounds silly, but a couple years ago I began drinking more often – I used to rarely, rarely drink. I began having tipsy dance parties, all by myself. I dance in front of the bathroom or closet door mirror, with most of the lights off. I wear skimpy clothes and I imagine what I might look like to someone else, someone who WANTS me. I also began following some curvy girl tumblrs which show beautiful and sexy photos of curvy women (it honestly didn’t look that attractive at first and now I’ve kind of re-trained my eye to see curvier as more attractive) . . . began dressing to accentuate my figure rather than to hide it, and Curvy Girl Guide has helped a lot as well. Both for the body image stuff but just for finding women who are ready to kick ass and take names and talk about the things I want to talk about. This confidence has helped me be more comfortable being naked and in less flattering positions (less flattering in my mind, hot as hell in my husband’s mind) during sex and has honestly helped me turn on this inner vixen I didn’t really know was there.

    For me, it has always been thoughts which fuel my feelings, which fuel my actions, and it was no different with this. I began choosing to see myself differently and then I felt differently and now I behave differently. I’m certainly not perfect and am not 100% Sexy Self Confidence but I’m much better than I used to be, and I’m loving it.

  27. Michela says

    I read this days ago…and I am probably like ALOT of others that read it. I imagine that there are 2 people for everyone one that did post that can’t find the words to describe how they feel about their bodies. I have been one for the past few days. I usually feel pretty good about myself, until I see the mirror… I get ready to go somewhere..anywhere…and think that I did a pretty good job of primping. THEN, I get somewhere and see what I look like, really, and I feel so very insecure and ….inadequate. I try to remember what I USED to look like and reconcile that to what I look like now. Older….lumpier…. I even look at my HANDS and see they look old, I still feel like I am a goofy teenager in my head. My husband loves me as I am, but I am still trying to not be shocked when I see that stranger looking at me from the mirror.

  28. Dawn says

    This post has been rattling around in my head for days. Your timing is amazing. Day before this post I booked a romantic 1 night get away for my hubby’s birthday. We never do anything for ourselves and he hasn’t been feeling well lately. Soooo, I booked the suite, a couples massage, wine, roses, chocolate…the works.

    Problem is we have 18 years, 2 teenage kids, and a ridiculous amount of stress between us. I actually called my BFF and asked her how to be romantic! I can’t even remember! So sad.

    Plus, I don’t feel sexy. I know he loves me and does not mind my pudge. I was not thin when he married me. He often tells me to stop bashing myself. He loves me just the way I am.

    I’ve spent the last week or so trying to wrap my head around our upcoming weekend. Get my brain and lady bits on the same page, so to speak. I’m really looking forward to it, but I’m nervous.

    If any of you brilliant women have any tips or suggestions, I’m open! :)

    • Michela says

      I don’t know if this helps or not…I once heard a man say that when he is with a woman, he doesn’t fantasize about “the perfect woman” he is trying to please the woman that he is with. I hope like hell that guy was telling the truth, because it helps me. I also think that self confidence is sexy….just act like you think that you know that you are sexy!

      • Dawn says

        Yes, lot of wine! LOL! I’m very excited about this weekend. It’s a surprise, he knows nothing about it. Or if he does, he’s being quiet. :) We’ve been together for so long, and thru so much…I don’t know…we just lost the romance somewhere in the chaos of daily life. I think I’m not alone tho. I think a lot of women feel this way. Am I wrong? As much as I love him and he is my best friend, I can’t make him realize that I’m 42, not 25 anymore. It take a little effort to get me purring these days! Know what I mean? Life, age, hormones, stress, fatigue, life…all these things change how we respond in the passion dept. over the years.

        I guess I need to stop thinking and just do! Be spontaneous, impulsive, passionate and above all, responsive! My BFF told me to forget about the kids and be a teenager again, for just one night. ;)

        • says

          I wouldn’t over do the wine as it can be a depressant and you want to be all smoochy and sexy. Hubby and I just spent 5 gloriuos days away visitng the kids. I thoughtfully booked us into a motel so that we could have some special time as well . ( Win/win as far as I can see!)
          We have developed a cool driving game called “talk dirty to me” The intention is to wind each other up so that when we arrive at our destination we are already primed and ready to go.
          Best part is you can both act like nothing is actually going on as you face forwards and be ever so slightly naughty.
          Relax and have a blast. It will all come flooding back once you get in holiday mode.

        • Dawn says

          Not that anyone here cares, but, my super secret weekend with my hubby worked out perfectly! I began teasing him with little hints as soon as we left the house! We had lunch at a romantic bistro, where I gave him a birthday card and handwritten note explaining that he has been officially kidnapped, and to eat a big lunch. ;) Then we were off to the hotel for a 3pm check in.
          We didn’t do anything special, just enjoyed ourselves. Took a jacuzzi, got massages, relaxed, loved, laughed, talked and shared some lovely wine and candle light glow (and afterglow!).
          He was absolutely blown away! 1) that I had been able to keep the secret! LOL! 2) that I took the time and energy to make it all possible, just for him. He didn’t want to come home. It was a beautiful hotel.
          So at 9:30 this morning, the txt msgs start…”when are we going to do that again?” “Let’s start making plans?!” He was cracking me up!
          Just what the Dr. ordered! :D Thanks for the advice ladies.

  29. says

    What a great piece of writing. So many women have been where you are and all of our partners still want to drill us like a deep oil well no matter how gross and greasy and chubby we think we are (or know we are). What a read…..as usual – your talent blows my fucking MIND. xo

  30. jeanniejules says

    ladies, ladies, find me a girl who hasn’t felt this way! As a mother of 4 and way past 40 I am grateful my lady bits still make a noise at all (shows they are in some way still in the same room)

    However, if your husband tells you he finds you sexy, hear him. Hear the fact he loves you, wants you and tells you so. Hear his need to be loved and accepted as your lover, not treated like some mad bloke. Perhaps if you did arrive in his bedroom one night with the body you always dreamed of, he’d run a mile, or not be turned on by this intimidating woman pretending to be his loved one, but clearly an imposter.

    No matter how sexy you feel your body is, or isn’t – focus on his mood, his need of you, and get down and jiggy (also wobbly, squidgy and noisy) ….laughter and kindness are excellent aphrodisiacs. xxxx

  31. alice says

    DEAR!!! I will be 60 years old and being naked with my lover MAKES me feel sexy and gives ME a lot of pleasure. Yeah…I have cellulite, on my freaking arms…lol, I cannot bear the thought or being over my lover IN DAYLIGHT because well GRAVITY….But….he loves me just the way I am and more and that is wonderful. You will get to this place one day!

  32. Heather says

    When I think of my husband of 16 years, he is the 25yr old man I married. he’s got lots of hair and he’s super hot. And since I look at him, but no longer see his physical body, he gets to stay that 25 year old hottie FOREVER!! We were talking about our aging bodies and I asked him what I wore yesterday. I asked when I had gotten a haircut last. I asked what color my toe nails were. He had NO IDEA. He is an extension of me and what he looks like does not matter. I know it’s the same for him with me. So, when I get naked with him, I know that in his mind I’m 22. FOREVER. Wahooo!

    • Carol says

      That is an awesome way to look at it. When I see my husband, I am just as turned on now as I was when we first started seeing each other 22 years ago. Unfortunately, I see myself as how I look NOW and just assume he does too. Maybe he still sees the 20 year old version of me? I certainly hope so :)

  33. Chaleen says

    I was just thinking that I wish my mother or any motherly figure would have sat me down just before I got married(the first time) and had been realistic with me. I wish she would have told me that after popping one kid out let alone four, your body will never be the same. Having stretch marks in areas I didn’t know was possible and then ones that come with not being able to rock that bikini with self confidence. I also wish she wold have told me that to let go of the image I have of myself before kids and embrace this curvier version that comes with kids. I think if I would have known this before hand I would not stress and cry over that I am not that person anymore and trying to strive for it will just make me sick. I now have a husband who wants this version of me and not the previous version. I still have my moments of insecurities, but he is there to remind me that I am beautiful and still wants the whole package, noises and all.

  34. Sarah says

    Awesome to read this just now. I had my third baby 8 weeks ago tomorrow and well, stuff is stretched out down there. I asked my husband if it feels any different and he said he doesn’t notice and I completely believe him that he doesn’t notice but it definitely FEELS different (I haven’t looked and I probably won’t ever…LOL). I’m back in my regular size 12 jeans but my tummy will never be the same again. This third time around did me in with stretch marks too and my boobs look definitely weird at this point (breastfeeding, yes). Nevertheless, I wore a black lace teddy last night and dang, I looked hot–hubby thought so too. ROCKIN’!

  35. says

    Sigh. I am right there with you. I had my first almost a year ago. And yeah, I lost all the weight. Yay, really. I’m thrilled. I had a nice relaxing pregnancy in which I took naps and ate cheese and tried not to read the updates from my friends who were 9-months in and still taking body pump class. So the WEIGHT is gone. But I’m squishy, pigment-y, dimply, and none of my clothes fit right. My boobs are by turns rock hard and pornographic, followed by empty wine bags. I hate sex. Not because I hate sex, but because I can’t really enjoy it– I’m so tired, I feel so unattractive, and my libido is just shot to shit with baby + zoloft (yay ppd!) + exhaustion. It IS good to know I’m not alone, but I also hope I’m not killing my husband with yoga pants.

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