Smut and Sinus Infections

Any minute now. Come on. Just one more second….

Sneezes into my open mouth. Coughs across my plate. Lingering green snotty face kiss.

Alright any moment now…. come onnn…..

Yes, good, the kids are all better, running around, wrestling, ready to resume all their 800 extracurricular activities I am stuck schlepping them to, which means in 3… 2… 1…

Boom.

I’m sick.

In the old days, I used to hate going to the doctor because they always insisted you have to be weighed. Apparently medicine only works when your self esteem is low, I don’t know how white blood cells work, but I’d get all nervous and sweaty about it, and then spend the next 20 minutes waiting in a room by myself having a panic attack that there’d be a sweat spot on the paper when I got up off the table.

End result? I never went to the doctor. I’d just take the kids, then at the end of their appoint the doctor would be all, alright, anything else, and I’d be like, oh yeah also I have a weird mole, vaginal discharge and probably sepsis could you call something in maybepleasethanks?

Thankfully, it’s the future and my doctor has an iPhone, so I spent yesterday in bed texting him things like…

Mucus waterfall in my throat.

S.O.S. Loose stool.

The tiny holes in my head where the hair grows out are screaming.

My face hurts when people breath on it.

Then I texted him a picture of something I coughed up into the sink that looked like a goblin from Labyrinth.

I think I had a twin inside me?

Alright enough. I’ve called something in to the pharmacy. I’m starting to dry heave.

After that, I spent the day largely drugged up in bed, sipping ginger ale through a bendy straw and reading.

I devoured Tiffany Reisz’s book The Siren two days ago. It was amazing. Like, the writing was insane, the dialogue was sharp and witty, and even though it took some WHAT THE FUCK THIS FEELS WRONG turns, I was hooked.

The sequel to Siren, The Angel, came out yesterday, and since I was up not breathing out of my nostrils anyway, I bought it at 6am. It felt like being in line for an iPhone only instead of an iPhone 5, I got kinky sex and mystery. Maybe if Apple had offered that instead of a new power connector, I would have ordered one. They know nothing about marketing and consumer demand.

I’ve been a bad girl, Siri.

May I suggest bracing yourself for a caning?

Andy can always tell when I’m reading something erotic, mostly because I’m holding my Kindle with one hand and he gets way more sex than normal. Which you would think would be a pretty good arraignment, but I think he got a little self conscious at first.

 Do you want me to like… spank you or something now?

What? No!

I don’t get it, you had me read these Fifty Shades books, and I don’t know if I should be worried that our sex life is boring you or what?

It was adorable. The fact is, for me, the most erotic thing in those books has nothing to do with sex. In fact, by the third Fifty Shades book, I was flipping through all the damn sex scenes to get to the plot. HOW MANY ERECTIONS CAN REALISTICALLY HAPPEN IN A ROW YOU GUYS!? No, the appealing part to me, in a very un-feminist fashion, was the concept that there was this guy, who ok, sounded super hot, that was very much in charge. Making all the decisions, both in the bedroom, and in life.

My whole entire day is decisions and worry. Work decisions. Parenting decisions. Personal decisions. What will we eat all week? What bills do I have to pay first? What clothes will the kids wear? Is it going to rain? Should I layer? How can I take care of everyone? How can I take care of myself?

Dude, it’s fucking exhausting in my head. Do I want to be spanked and handcuffed to a bed? No.

Ok yes, if it means I get to nap after.

But in principal, no.

I read these books because I’m a busy mom and wife and woman who sometimes wants to escape from a world where everyone is looking to her for some sort of answer, and she’s honestly just too fucking tired to give one right now and would really like some wine and someone to play with her hair for a while. And yeah, the sex scenes don’t hurt either, though my wrist could use a break. (rimshot)

The idea of giving up all that responsibility to someone else is like foreplay for my lady-brain. Now, Andy knows not to feel threatened or like he needs to manscape, and instead just gets to sit back while I pour over steamy books and he reaps the benefits in bed.

You know, when I’m not on medication that promises dizziness, nausea and excessive diarrhea.

 

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  1. Louisiana Meredith says

    My Fifty sentiments exactly! One major issue for me was Ana’s constant kvetching when Christian intervened and just made shit happen…..TURN ON!

  2. In These Shoes says

    Oh my God, yes! Thank you. You nailed it. The turn on IS reading about a man who takes control and makes shit happen without me having to figure out what to make for dinner yet again.

  3. says

    I’ve decided working while sick is just … well, sick. So I’m headed home to spend the afternoon on the couch. I lack the mental fortitude for reading though, so I’m going to run The Avengers on a loop.

  4. Elizabeth Larson-DiPippo says

    You hit the nail on the head about what is so sexy about those books. I can (and have to) ignore the bad writing so that I can indulge in a little fantasy where things get done that I actually really WANTED to happen. IRL if I just take my hands off of the wheel, things might get done, but come on now…it’s not a bath if you didn’t wash her hair and cereal is not a balanced meal. This is not to say that sometimes they don’t just need a “daddy bath” & cereal for dinner but if I let go I really do feel like things would start to fall apart (at least in cleanly-ness/nutrition-y areas). The fantasy is that someone is planning things just for me and anticipating my needs in a way that right now only I do around here for other people. ahhh…..off to get The Siren on my kindle. :)

    • Brittany says

      Exactly, I am totally not saying that if I just STOPPED doing things, they wouldn’t get done. I think my OCD and specific need for routine here is attributing to my own demise:)

      Also, I would love for you to let me know how you like the book!

      • Elizabeth Larson-DiPippo says

        I’ll definitely check back in and let you know. I’m sure it will be *ahem* a hit. :) Also reading through the comments just reminded me that I also NEED to get the Redhead books too.

    • SwingCheese says

      THANK YOU! I JUST had this conversation with my husband, like, 2 weeks ago, when kiddo got a bath – kind of – and his hair was still dry when he came out of the tub. No. If you didn’t wash the hair, it wasn’t a bath. It was totally a daddy bath!!!

      • Louisiana Meredith says

        After some consideration, probably. I wouldn’t make a great submissive anyway ’cause I want what I want and let me tell you how I want it. Shit, much like “Fetch,” a Christian Grey is never gonna happen….for me. Crap, now I’m kinda depressed. :eyeroll:

  5. In These Shoes says

    Hitting “confirm” on my Nook right now for The Siren. Question is, do I dive into that or The Unidentified Redhead?

  6. Jen Smith says

    Thank you! I’ve been waiting for another recommendation. I’ve been trying to find smut on my own and have just ended up bored and feeling slightly dirty (or really, not dirty enough).

  7. Julie says

    I think I’m going to have to download The Siren…I’d also recommend Sylvia Day’s books – any of them. The girl can write great smut.

  8. Yvette says

    Well said, lol. And since you recommended it I read The Siren the other day and The Angel yesterday. My husband thanks you

  9. Jenee says

    Once again, you’ve got it!

    No, I don’t need the red room of pain, I just need to not make a decision for like 5-10 minutes, thanks.

  10. says

    Argh! All this great smut is just on eReaders. What about us who still live in 1970′s and use the library with those book things?

    Hey, another awesome smut (that’s available IN BOOK FORM!) With My Body by Nikki Gemmell. HOT and heart-wrenching.

  11. says

    No joke, I emailed my husband yesterday to explain that him having at least started dinner when I got home from work was absolutely related to our sex life because it means I don’t have to make decisions. I can relax, be taken care of (even if I’m finishing up the meal – I don’t care, I just need to give my brain a break and not have to figure out if I can thaw some meat in enough time to not eat dinner at Midnight – I can handle standing there and stirring shit until it bubbles) and return the favor after the kids go to bed.

  12. SU says

    LOVED the Redhead series…must read. Started The Siren, having some trouble getting into it. MUCH darker, correct…need some suggestions more like the Redhead Series.

  13. Larissa says

    YES! The sex in Fifty Shades is just a (great) bonus (especially by book 3)…Christian wants to do everything for Ana, he worships her, doesn’t want her to have to do anything unpleasant (other than the submissive stuff, and he’s trying to change that for her, too!!), and he thrives on pleasing her in every way – not just in bed. Oh, and he’s a freaking Bazillionaire so he can whisk her away on a vacation for a few days when she needs it without wondering how they can do that and still make the mortgage payments. In reality, this could be too much submission. But, in fantasy? thankyouverymuch. Oh, and it’s not un-femininist to want to be taken care of by someone. Doesn’t everyone want to be taken care of at least some of the time? And how wonderful would it be to be able to afford to drop everything and take your spouse (and kids, sometimes), to somewhere amazing, like Italy for three weeks, or just off to a hotel in a different city for the weekend…and the part where Ana doesn’t have to clean the bathroom or anything else? Yes, please!!!!

  14. Donnamay says

    Exactly! Both my sisters let their husbands handle everything, while I couldn’t (wouldn’t?) trust mine to write a legible check! Guess who’s divorced? I would looooove to just let go and relax and let someone else be “in charge”, but deep down I’d be silently SCREAMING!!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN’T SENT IN THE MORTGAGE PAYMENT YET?!?!?!?

  15. says

    The Siren is one of the most incredible books I’ve read, but also I think I’ve never felt more uncomfortable in my life. I will most likely put these uncomfortable moments in spoiler tags, but I think I do have to discuss them. But let me start at the beginning.

  16. katie d says

    so the siren is a good dirty book? i read the 50 shades books, but i have to say…..i think i know how people get desensitized to porn.

  17. Lauren says

    Just finished The Siren. Wow. Clearly I will call in sick tomorrow so that I can stay home to read The Angel and then Reflected in You. I think The Siren is my most guilty pleasure book thus far (and I have an iPad full of them). Because of the great writing, I always felt like I was a peeping Tom in their lives and that at any moment I was going to get caught! Great read that stuck with me long after I put the iPad down!

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