Dakota Fanning Mattress.

by Brittany on September 17, 2012

in Marriage, Musings, Parenting

We got a new mattress, and it’s basically the most exciting thing that has ever happened in our seven year marriage.

We aren’t even having sex in it because we have this crazy new mattress narcolepsy every time we lay on it. The first night we had it I woke up at 3am fully clothed, confused and holding an unopened can of Diet Pepsi. I’d only meant to sit down for a second…

The effects of said mattress have been immediate. We’re being way nicer to each other. Like, Andy wakes up and say things like…

You look different.

Your hair seems super shiny.

Your face is extra pretty today.

Even though nothing is even different, dude, I’m just standing upright for the first time in four years and my hunch back is getting less noticeable.

So, I’ve talked about this before, but when it comes to important purchases, Andy and I are super bad at them and super cheap. Like, I’ll spend a stupid amount of money on shoes and Australian licorice from Target on a shop-my-feelings day, or cheese from those cheese counters with the guys with those fake french accents that make me think if I eat the cheese, I’ll be like a french Kate Middleton, but like, things adults are supposed to research and spend legitimate amounts of money on, we put it off. I mean, how can we afford a mattress with a refrigerator full of Kate Middleton cheese, you guys?

Anyways, we saved and finally ordered a mattress from the Internet, because what could go wrong? People order spouses on the internet all the time, and it turns out fine. We were even feel particularly mature, and ordered fancy waterproof covers and sheets with the word Egyptian in them. It’s like, who are we right now? What’s next? Reasonably priced car insurance? Checks without Far Side cartoons on them? Ascots?

Regardless, the bed came, it looked like the photo, had all the correct labels and appeared to have low amounts of asbestos filling and sweat shopping, so we put this one in the win column.

Last night Andy was all, we should christen this bed, and I was like, noooo, it’s still soft and innocent, like Dakota Fanning. You can’t have sex with Dakota Fanning yet, Andy, she’s like 14 years old.

Boner killer, success.

I woke up wet. Like, I wet the bed maybe, I don’t know. I’d done that before after an especially graphic pregnancy dream, and once before that the night of my 21st birthday in a pair of black pleather pants. Have you ever peed in pleather before? The heat fuses them together, so I woke up all freaked out like a wet, drunk mermaid.

But, my crotch was dry, so it wasn’t my pee, maybe Andy peed on me because he was mad I wouldn’t let him have sex on the new mattress? He looks like a chill guy, but he can be spiteful, like this one time when he wanted to go out for Mexican food, and I refused and made him go to this new Indian place, he acted all pissy about it and got food poisoning for like four days after just to punish me.

So I got up and stripped the wet sweatpants from my legs all, what the hell Andy, are you drunk, you peed all over me! And he was all, why am I all wet right now I was dreaming about robots?

So I went to pull the comforter from the bed when a small lump in the center of the mattress sat up, stretched her tiny arms above her pigtailed head, and projectile vomited bile across our cream colored sheets.

Gone is our wide-eyed I Am Sam mattress, I thought, as I tucked a sick girl holding a bucket between us on ratty old sheets, beach towels and my dead grandmother’s quilt.

And the three of us nestled in for a long night on our slightly less shiny Creepy Twilight Vampire/Runaways Lesbian Sex with Kristen Stewart bed.

As it should be.

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Carrie September 17, 2012 at 11:32 am

HYSTERICAL! The pleather mermaid I am snorting and dying!!!!!!


Nicky with a Y September 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

My daughter did the same thing on our mattress, but we didn’t have a mattress cover BUT we bought one right after. Lesson learned!

But what i really wanted to say is that I am so glad another person was as weirded out by Dakota in that Runaway movie as I was.


Brittany September 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Those mattress pads are a rip, but OH SO WORTH IT. Our old mattress was tie-dyed with all these horrific stains. How did I sleep on that on purpose?


Cate September 17, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Oh man, I have been WAITING for you to get the new mattress! And, of course, it has to be ruined! Oh, so sad! When we moved to France, I pined away for 3 months while my King sized mattress was on a container boat slowly moving its way here. Now that I have it, I LOVE it! I don’t know how these Europeans sleep on twins or doubles or whatever they call their tiny beds…


Brittany September 17, 2012 at 12:46 pm

The queen bed was ruining our life. Like, I am positive we’d be in couples therapy soon, because we were NOT sleeping, and every morning he woke up looking more and more like Danny Davito.


Angie September 17, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Bone killer, success. Bwaahahaha!

I tried talking about Betty White last night but it didn’t work. I think my mans just weird.


Brittany September 17, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Maybe go the other way and weird him out by “accidentally” calling him Jerry VanDyke? Like, “Ohhhh yeaaahhhhhhhhh, do it to me Jerry VanDyke….”



Jana September 17, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Kids ruin all the good things. Where did you get your mattress from online? I’ve been thinking of doing a memory foam from amazon.com and wasn’t sure if online mattress ordering was smart?


Brittany September 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

We went through Amazon! We studied reviews FOREVER. We ended up with this one… http://www.amazon.com/Sleep-Innovations-10-inch-Memory-Mattress/dp/B003CT37JW/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top


Carrie September 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I have had that mattress in my Amazon wish list for months (along with a couple other options)! We definitely need a new mattress but just can’t seem to justify spending the money. Plus I’m nervous we’ll spend the money and end up hating memory foam mattresses.


Brittany September 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I was REALLY unsure about this mattress. Andy had to seriously talk me into it. But, it’s actually been wonderful. It came in a small box which freaked me the hell out, but it’s soft and comfy and not too hot, which for some reason, I thought memory foam would be super hot.

Nuala Reilly September 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Sweet! A new bed and christened in the way new beds must be by parents with small children. I love it. Hope Gigi is feeling better. You have to erase the puke memories with sex memories. HELLOOOO, it’s memory foam!! It will remember what goes down on it. Or who does…..snicker.


Jennifer September 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Kids are so nasty. They ruin all the new stuff. I threaten my two every time we get in my new car, “So help me God, if either of you makes a mess in this car….” And we just got a new toilet in their bathroom and this morning I swear I said, “we just got this new potty and you’re already ruining it.” Fun times at my house. Fun times.


Brittany September 17, 2012 at 9:07 pm

This is why I try to buy leather everything. I’m going to be wiping boogers and crap off it, might as well make it easy on myself.


kris September 17, 2012 at 9:01 pm

people get old so fast.

dakota fanning is 18.

her sister elle…is like 13…?

I only know this, because i watched a movie called, “somewhere” . It disturbed me that there was a younger Fanning as old as the one we thought… was STILL younger.

I have a skimpy queen mattress.


Brittany September 17, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Ok this information just freaks me the hell out.


Louisiana Meredith September 17, 2012 at 9:47 pm

So much fucking WIN I’d have to quote the whole thing. Instead, Imma just read it again!


meleahrebeccah September 20, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Awww… Poor GiGi I hope she feels better soon.

PS: I almost feel guilty for laughing at this post. *almost*


Allison Watkins September 27, 2012 at 4:57 pm

It’s sadly crazy on how a mattress can impact a marriage. I noticed when I sleepm great, my marriage is wonderful. When I sleep bad, it can get bad! haha


mel October 9, 2012 at 9:43 am

Kids always puke on our new stuff! I will never forget 1 week after I bought my shiny brand new Honda Pilot. First brand new car ever and my then 4 year old, projectile vomited all over the entire back seat of it. I had to have it detailed twice!


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