Your Mouth is a Horror Movie

The older I get, the less things, in general, gross me out. It’s like, you can only ignore the stuff splattered underneath the toilet seat so many times until you realize, nobody else is going to clean that shit up, so you might as well tie a sweatshirt around your face, put on some rubber gloves and get comfortable with dry heaving for the next 20 minute, because this is adulthood, dude. Shit dropplets and tiny hairs under the toilet seat.

Under the camp of still fucking gross, however, fall teeth.

When I was younger, my dad had an irrational compulsion with dental hygiene, and from a young age, I remember him inspecting our mouths after each brushing, and then standing behind us as we rubbed and dried each tooth with a clean wash cloth. On the upside, I’ve never had a cavity, on the down side, I was a fucking weird kid to have at sleepovers.

Whenever I lost a tooth, he would clean it and then spend hours explaining to me the root systems of our mouths and how teeth were way bigger than they looked, like how you only see like 20% of an actual iceberg, and honestly, it freaked me out. So much so, in fact, I was only visited by the tooth fairy once, after that, banning her entirely because the thought of putting a disgusting tooth under my pillow gave me nightmares.

I mean, it’s like we all have these tusks growing out of our faces, and we act normal about it? This is why I don’t like narwhals, guys. You can romanticize them as the unicorns of the sea all you want, but that’s not a magical horn, it’s a giant incisor growing out of their forehead.

And if that didn’t make me want to unzip my skin and crawl out of it, I came across a photo of an actual human skull demonstrating how it looks when a child’s teeth come in. I can barely look my kids in the face right now, y’all. It’s like underneath their tiny baby faces are the makings of Saw XIII.

I originally shared the photo on Facebook, but I don’t want to post it because I’m in no mood to evacuate my bowels. Click here to check it out. This is me warning you, you can’t unsee this. Ever.

I know we need teeth to chew food, but 1. I’m cool with milkshakes and 2. this feels like a problem that Steve Jobs would have solved for us eventually, anyways.

Last week Andy was out of town on business, but he ended up having to cut the trip short due to a dental emergency. His tooth broke and, like,  the nerve was exposed and dangling out of it, and it was all apparently really painful. I tried preparing for his arrival by readying the heating pad (I had cramps) and boiling water (I wanted egg salad), but the the next thing I know he’s walking in the front door looking like the elephant man.

He couldn’t get into the dentist until the next day, and he kept trying to make me look at it, so I did what I do in most medical emergencies, throw ice packs and Percocet at it until it falls asleep or goes away.

Which leads me to the realization that there are two people in this world. People who can take narcotics and not need diapers, and people who cannot.

Andy cannot.

He had some leftover pain medication from his vasectomy, and much like cheese, I just assume it never expires, so since Advil and Tylenol were futile, I blocked the memory of his last narcotic adventure and hoped for the best.

The best ended up being me having to spoon feed him soup, hold him upright at the toilet, and listen to him call me Brithany for an hour while the kids decided new dad was way more fun than old dad.

Ok Andy, I have you all set up on the couch, what do you want to watch?

Thumble weezy abbadobble.

New Moon?

Flurpppppp.

Ok, Twilight Saga it is.

Awww, I love new dad, too.

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  1. Deanna says

    Unlike you, I have no fear of teeth. (Well except the sound that the toothbrush makes while brushing) So I clicked on the link thinking it would probably look cool. It was NOT cool. I think I peed myself and I am now staring at my son’s mouth in horror. What is he hiding under those cute baby teeth…now I know, and I can never not know again!

  2. natalie says

    This is one of the best posts from you ever!

    The kid skull is one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen too!

  3. says

    I was so freaked out by MY OWN TEETH that I couldn’t pull a single one out on my own, even when it was dangling by the tiniest little thread.

    Also, when I saw that skull, the only thing that freaked me out was the fact that that’s a real skull. Meaning a six-year-old had to die in order for me to be able to see it.

  4. says

    I’m distracting myself from puking by repeating ‘thumble weezy abbadobble’ Mad Gab style till I figure out what Andy actually wanted to watch.

  5. *ScaredCryingFace* says

    Not usually squeamish, and you did warn us, but I really wish there were a way to unsee that skull. I wonder if I could get a drive-through lobotomy?

  6. Amanda says

    Holy. Mother. Of. God.

    Ever have those dreams where your teeth fall out and it freaks you out so much that you wake up and dash to the bathroom to make sure you actually still have all said teeth?!?!? Realize you do but still constantly run your tongue over you teeth to make sure?

    Yeah. Those suck ass.

  7. Marie says

    I’ve been a lurker for years, but for some reason, this post pushed me over the edge into commenting. You are the funniest person ever to write a blog, hands down. Thanks for the entertainment!!!

  8. Heather says

    OMG. The toothy- child skill is creep-tastic.

    I just had to go back and look again. Still creep-tastic.

    I’m not going to get anything else done for the rest of the day. My boss will be thrilled.

  9. erica says

    Yeah that picture was creepy; teeth are nasty. My kids will have to pull their own damn teeth and if even one of them wiggles it in my general direction I will refuse to cook dinner for a week. I am going to nip that shit in the bud right up quick.

    P.S. I totally loved the Andy does Xanax in Florida post you linked in. I had forgotten about that one and it is pretty great!

  10. says

    I should not have clicked on that link. I will forever be haunted until all of my children lose all of their teeth. On the upside, I was really down today about my gets getting older and going back to school. Now? I can’t wait for them to get bigger. I’ll be said in five more years.

  11. says

    I remember when Paige first went to the dentist. They pulled me in to view her mouth x-ray to show me all of her adult teeth were there. I nearly fainted and then threw up in my mouth and had to excuse myself for a minute. That is so damn horrifying!

  12. bethany says

    I looked at the picture. not super upsetting, a little creepy. I’m potty training twins at the moment so thats… fun.

  13. says

    Let’s talk about that drawing…very impressed with the hands! I cannot for the life of me get hands to look like anything other than oversized malformed baseball mitts.

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