Hola Texas! Soy Virgin.

I just spent the week in Texas with my friend Shauna.

I met Shauna a few years ago in New York City. We were sitting in a hotel room with a bunch of friends, and she was holding Gigi, who was just a baby at the time, when I looked over to find her dripping grease into her mouth from a folded up slice of Johns’ pizza. I knew then, we’d be best friends for life.

Unlike my last trip to Fort Worth, I flew in solo for a girl’s week, which I was nervous about, except that I had a super smooth flight there (and back), so now I’m traveling with a huge chip on my shoulder all, fucking bring it, gravity. What you got? I float mother fucker.

Which probably means my flight to New York in two weeks will be like the movie Snakes on a Plane and I’ll be drugged up like Kristen Wiig on Bridesmaids.

 Shauna and I had the house to ourselves, and we had a work week planned of heavy writing and occasional dips out for food. That lasted exactly four seconds when we realized that we had the house to ourselves and spent the entire week eating our faces off and watching movies in her bed and drinking. In fact, it was our first night sprawled out across her bed that changed the tone of the whole trip.

Hey B, wanna go grab some McDonald’s fast before the next movie?


Ok, what do you want?

Duh, Nuggets?

Nuggets, gross, why?

Um, because I’m a girl?

Have you never had a Big Mac before?

No, Big Macs are boy food.

And there we have it. A glimpse of my sordid childhood, where I grew up in a household of gender based foods. Long before McDonald’s featured toys for boys and toys for girls, my mother was reinforcing stereotypes by making me eat chicken nuggets, while offering my brother the more masculine cheeseburger, which honestly makes sense because those cheeseburgers probably had testicle parts in them, and the chicken product was most likely riddled with estrogen. Maybe this is why I got my period at age 8? That’s the worst Happy Meal toy ever, McDonald’s.

I ate that Big Mac the way I imagine captive animals feel when they get released in the wild. It was fantastic, the sauce unidentifiable, and extra piece of bread was just frivolous enough to set me off on a week of firsts. I mean, what else has Ohio been hiding from me? Have we cured AIDS and I have no idea? Am I actually on the Truman Show right now?

Fort Worth became my bucket list.

I watched movies I’d never seen before.

The Change Up: Ok, this movie is now in the top 5 funniest movies I had ever seen. I had to change my panties two times, and finally watched the rest of it sitting on a puppy training pad.
Horrible Bosses: Also super funny, plus my clitoris appreciated the second dose of Jason Bateman.
21 Jump Street: This ended up being way funnier than expected, but… I’m sorry….skinny Jonah Hill weirds me out. It’s like when I see emaciated Drew Carey. I feel uncomfortable then google where they bought their tapeworms from.
The Sitter: Ok yes, chubby Jonah Hill. This is what I know.

I ate food I hadn’t eaten before.

Big Macs: How are we not airlifting these to Darfur? They’d definitely keep, have tons of calories, and nobody would ever poop again.
Chicken Fried Steak: Ok this is apparently a southern delicacy, and Shauna and our friend Greis were personally offended I had not only not eaten this before, but also mimed the international symbol for vomit every time they talked about it. It’s either chicken or it’s steak, Texas. You can’t have it both ways. OR CAN YOU. The took me to Louise’s and ordered me Chicken Fried Steak and Fries with Gravy. The first bite felt wrong, then I blacked out and came to licking the plate and humming Air Supply.
Bloody Mary: I’ve actually never had a Bloody Mary before, and I think it’s because the concept of drinking tomatoes for fun makes me uneasy. But, Shauna forced my hand again, and it was like drinking steak sauce with a giant phallic piece of celery in it. I’m now a fan.
IHOP: Yes okay, so we have IHOPs up north, I have just never been in one because I assumed it was full of hobos and drunk college kids, and I can’t enjoy my pancakes and listen to twenty years olds misinterpret the entire plot of Donny Darko. But, I gotta give you props IHOP, red velvet pancakes with frosting butter? Where were you after every joint I smoked in high school?

On top of all that, I got to spend an evening bowling at Lucky Strike with all my Texas girlfriends, which just makes leaving that much harder.

Thankfully, I’ll be back, as I still have so much to do: Lasso a cow.  Buy a ten gallon hat. Eat at Whataburger. See an armadillo. Perform my Rick Perry rap at Open Mic night. Try sweet tea. Deliver a baby in an elevator (Honestly, I could do this anywhere, I’d just prefer it to be in Texas because the accents are adorable).



Facebook Comments



  1. says

    OMG- i am so jealous! How did i miss your meeting with Texas girls? I live in Euless (not far from Ft Worth). I would have totally brought you a bag of Whataburger goodness with a sweet tea! I am glad you had a gret time in Texas and Shauna is showing you the true colors of Texas cuisine. Nothing is better than chicken fried steak! You can also have chicken fried chicken just to make things real confusing. It ‘s still flat like a piece of steak not your typical fried chicken.

  2. Tawny says

    I loved seeing all the food you consumed on Instagram. It made me crave a visit to TX. Planning one soon to reunite with my cousins that look like Don Julio.

    : )

  3. Jessica says

    You didn’t have sweet tea or Whataburger? That is just wrong!! You also need to bar hop on a Saturday night in the stockyards to get a full Texas experience! Wild Ass Indian anyone? Wow I need a night out…

    Chicken Fried Steak is my drug. Yummy carb drugs!

  4. Kristine says

    Big Mac’s used to be my favorite food! seriously after I had my baby my mom called her best friend and told her to bring me a Big Mac Meal supersized (when you could still super size at McDonald’s) and lemme tell you… after all that “magic” it tasted like the most ahhhhmazing food on the freaking planet!

  5. says

    WOW! How cool is that, Brittany! That red-head sitting behind you in the bowling alley, Monika…that’s my baby sister. So, now of course, I feel like I KNOW you in a whole new
    sense. Not really. But it’s great to see 2 of my favorite bloggers AND my sister in the same

  6. says

    Okay, I cannot believe I was in town the same time as you and didn’t know until Instagram! 😉 Wish I could have joined you girls for bowling. I’m going to wipe my one little tear away now, for missing all the fun! WAH!!!

    But hopefully I will see you in 2 weeks in NYC!!

    p.s. you want to move to TX now, don’t you? ;p

  7. says

    Oooh yeah, it’s a completely great idea to play outside and sweat all my makeup off and my hair into a mess before posing for a big group picture. *hand/forehead*
    Next time, black leather and finger guns!

  8. says

    Omg, I remember reading this on, I think your facebook, that you had never had a big mac before. Cray-zay.

    Although, I have never had chicken fried steak or been to an IHOP, but that could be because neither of those things even exist in Canada. At least I don’t think they do. We have poutine, Britt, that is pretty much all the fried yummy we need apparently.

    Horrible bosses is one of my favourite “new” movies. In that I liked it more than most new movies I have seen in the last five years but I have to admit I was freaked out by Jennifer Anniston getting all dirty. Why Rachel…why??
    Jason Bateman though, yes please.

    Glad to hear you had such a good, girly time.
    We all need to do that every once in a while. I’m jealous!!

  9. says

    AND you can tell them to put mac sauce on anything! I usually get it on a regular cheeseburger, and my girlfriend gets some to dunk her fries in.

  10. Adria says

    Don’t forget the butter pecan syrup at IHOP! And dragging poor unsuspecting readers into the Instagram vortex. And OMG YOU HAVEN’T HAD SWEET TEA? What about fried okra? Or ranch on EVERYTHING (especially pizza)? And I’m with the first commenter too – chicken fried chicken is incredible. Sounds like you need to “Come Back to Texas”, to quote my favorite band (also from Texas)!

  11. says

    I cannot believe you skipped Whataburger! It was a secret plan so you have no option but to go back, right? I get it now.

    Also, totally jealous of your girl week.

  12. Taylor says

    Actually, they don’t serve Sweet Tea at a lot of the restaurants in Texas. I’m from from Alabama (where Sweet Tea is appropriate for every meal) and visited there a few years ago. The only time I was able to get is was at the McDonalds in the Houston airport. I spent the entire week in withdrawals.

  13. says

    HOLD ON. You ate a Big Mac, that you can get ANYWHERE – even effing Timbuktu – and skipped Whataburger? As a Texan, I am horrified for you. The ketchup at Whataburger alone owns that Big Mac like a B-O-S-S. At least you enjoyed that chicken fried steak properly. Next time try it with brown gravy. So wrong, and so so so so SO right.

  14. says

    You’re obviously confusing IHOP with Waffle House. IHOP= AWESOME. Waffle House = that dirty place you stop after a night of hard drinking that only takes cash, so you have to leave your roommate as collateral while you go to the closest ATM and when you come back she’s passed out on the bench out front with her head in a homeless man’s lap… true story.

  15. Beth Becerra says

    Come down to Corpus Christi, home of Whataburger! We even have a tw0-story one with a view of the bay. And we just happen to be rehabbing a baby armadillo right now. He’s almost ready for the wild, but we’ll let you see him first. But no licking the armadillo; they are known to carry leprosy. That is not a gift you want to bring home from Texas!

  16. says

    Okay, YES TO WHATABURGER! SERIOUSLY. best thing ever.
    we have a monthly tradition…when my monthly thing comes, that friday we go eat whataburger.
    and im all about getting a shit ton of things on my burger.
    hell even throw some pickles on there and if im feeling really creative give me some onions.

    they accidentally gave me a plain and dry double meat bacon cheeseburger (bc thats how the fiance likes it, and i guess they just assumed they would give us two of them even though we requested otherwise)

    and now im hooked. open up one of those adorable ketchup packets and literally dip it in as you eat.

    and taquitos. TAQUITOS.

    basically just stay up super late and go thru the drive thru and order 4 of those and you will be super happy you did.


  17. Melissa says

    How have you not had SWEET TEA???? You’re in Ohio, right? Don’t throngs of Ohioans invade SC every year and drink our tea?

  18. says

    I am still determined to buy myself some cowboy boots when I go back to Texas. I am not a all a country girl but as Paula Poundstone said, when I am in Texas, “I have an unnatural boot need.”

  19. says

    You forgot to mention olives. You’d never had an OLIVE before I made you try one. Although, it did almost kill you because you choked on the pit because Jeff bought a jar of UN-pitted olives. I had no idea they even made those anymore. Next time, no pits. Swear.

  20. Louisiana Meredith says

    OOOO! Loves me some Jason Bateman!

    Guess I have to pop my Big Mac cherry now….not sure if I should thank you for this or not.

    Bloody Marys are a Sunday morning staple in my world!

    The colonially garbed woman churning butter on the wing? Hope I can make it to bathroom before I wet myself….thanks! 😉

    Louisiana next….so many foods to which you must be introduced!

  21. says

    First meal I had when I moved to Texas was Whataburger. It was heaven. Like Baby Jesus wrapped up in a bread blanket of gooey cheese and drippy meat. Add bacon to it and boom. Orgasm.

  22. says

    You made me laugh. You made me cry (from laughing). You’re too much awesome inside one person. 😉 It sounds like you’ve got a lot of stuff to experience in life if you’ve went this long without olives and a Big Mac. I love reading about your adventures with Shauna. You both know how to have a good time times a million!

  23. Katie says

    While pregnant with my youngest, I craved Big Macs all the time. MMMMMMMMM yummy.
    But now, I want some chicken-fried-chicken, chicken-fried-steak, or hell with it, anything from Chik-fil-A (we don’t have one here). I miss Texas even though most of my experience was on Fort Hood.

  24. says

    1. I’m hitting myself right now for not living closer to Dallas.

    2. When I read the part about the chicken fried steak I probably had the same look on my face that Shauna did. And the other things you haven’t done yet? Sweet tea? Whataburger? What the hell? You must do Whataburger first thing next time you are here.

    3. You forgot big hair. I don’t mean like big hair other place. I mean like really big Texas hair. You need to do that at least once. And it must be worn with sequins somewhere on your body. That can be seen. Is it weird that I had to clarify?

    4. OMG you are going to BlogHer this year aren’t you? Is it really stalkerish of me to say that I really, really, really, really, really, really, really want to meet you? If it is then I want say it. But a warning, if I do see you I will probably totally act all fan girl. I will go ahead and apologize now for that.

  25. Heather says

    I’m not a Texan, but I did go to college there…and I grew up in the Midwest…so you’re my people. And now I’m gonna add to your Texas Bucket List. Because that’s what friends are for (for good times, for bad times). You need to treck down I-35 to Waco…I know no one wants to go there, but hear me out…and you need to get a Big O and some fried pickles from George’s. Then you need to go to Bush’s Chicken (many locations throughout TX) for some fried chicken and sweet tea. And then — if and only if you’ve armed yourself with elastic pants — you hit up Katie’s Frozen Custard.

  26. says

    I love that you are all wearing name tags. Helpful! I just had my first bloody mary in a limo on the way to the airport a few weeks ago. I think I liked it!

    And I’ve never had a Big Mac. I think it’s a Midwestern thing.


  27. Erica Westbrook says

    Okay… confession time. I have been cyber stalking you for about two years now and know that you are super swamped with stuff, but I had to, no felt felt compelled, to comment!! I am from Dallas, companion city to Ft. Worth and am so glad that you loved your time here. I connect with your experience of life and I have to admit, your blog brings happiness to me. Especially when my husband and I are hanging out and I suddenly start laughing hysterically, getting the “she posted something awesome” face from him. Admittedly, I relay your stories to my friends because they just crack my a** up and who wouldn’t appreciate the world through (fill in the black booze induced haze)!! No, friend of mine I say. Anyways, thank you for what you do and if your friend and you ever feel like crossing the Trinity, let me know!!

  28. says

    These are all reasons I have to visit America, although I am already a firm devotee of the Big Mac. I wonder if it tastes any different over there. They **say** they’re the same worldwide, but I treat such statements with suspcion… guess I’ll have to do a quality check when I visit! :)

  29. Meredith Elyse says

    I had my first Big Mac this year too!!!! New Year’s Day, actually. I knew it was going to be a great year from that first bite.

  30. says

    Wait…you’ve never had a bloody mary before? I had to go back and reread that a few times….WTW?? I hope you ordered a nice spicy one.

  31. says

    You must try Whataburger the next time you are here! It has great fast food… nothing like a honey butter chicken biscuit and dr.pepper.

    If y’all feel adventurous, you must venture down to Austin. Not only can you drink your way through 6th Street…. but there are food trailers that serve amazing food. Its a hungry girl’s dream.

    Also you need to do Mexican food @ Chuy’s and get the creamy jalepeno ranch dressing. Its amazeballs!

  32. says

    Great movie choices…anything with Jason Bateman is usually good for a laugh. Or maybe it’s just my 12-year-old self still lusting after him from his pre-teen acting days with Ricky Schroeder. (I know, you’re young. You have no idea what I’m talking about.)
    And 21 Jump Street? Possibly my all-time fav.
    Okay, CFS is the reason that I run. If you came a bit further south in Texas, you would have to eat Mexican. It’s like a rule or something. All meals are served with chips and hot sauce around these here parts.
    One last thing…when I got married and my family flew in from the East Coast, they were dying to eat Whataburger, but we avoided it because it’s fast food. I had NO IDEA that it wasn’t like, international, or something. Buttered buns = heaven.

  33. Friday Ebersohl says

    I have to say that I just started to read your blog a week ago and you are truly awesome! I am so happy to know that I’m not the only who can smell blood or cried (past tense because of you i am not ashamed of my body) trying to put jeans on I wore before I had a kid. Thank you for your honest and awesome blog!!

  34. says

    Have you seen Due Date? It is the most glorious train wreck of an inappropriate movie I have ever seen. It is one of those movies where I’m watching and think to myself why are you watching this, this is terrible, you should turn it off, then I’m laughing hysterically and crying from the laughing and I NEEDED a puppy pad {why didn’t I think of that}…for both ends. Seriously I watched this movie 7 times, then I had to take it back to the Redbox. Zack Gallifhowdoyouspellthisx brings it like he did in Hangover/II, and Robert Downey Jr. well, he’s nice to look at.

  35. Shauna says

    You haven’t eaten Whataburger?!?!?!?!!?!? It was so great to meet you! Hope you come back to visit soon…and by visit – I mean, move here.

  36. says

    YOU DIDN’T GO TO WHATABURGER?? YOU HAD NEVER HAD CHICKEN FRIED STEAK?? As a Texan, born and raised that has been forced against her will to live elsewhere for the past 14 years- I find this offensive. Mainly because I could use a Whataburger, some good Mexican food and a chicken fried steak about now and I can’t have it.

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