Anastasia Steele was Clearly Not a Mother of Three

by Brittany on July 2, 2012

in Classy, may or may not be a medical emergency, Sex, Stuff my husband won't let me talk about

There are a lot of things about the Fifty Shades series that are downright preposterous.

Christian can have sex 60 times in a row?

Nobody showers afterward, they just walk around like sex stink and UTIs don’t exist?

People still own teacups?

While I found the book to be about as believable as Donatella Versace’s beating heart, one aspect did intrigue me a bit; the Ben Wa balls.

Not like, oh those look orgasmic! More like, oh those will make me stop peeing all over myself!

Because that’s the thing, my vagina walls are broken. They just sit there all frowny and let shit fall out, like urine and tampons. They look like those Sesame Street martians that discover mundane objects.

I’ve tried doing kegels, but they give me headaches. Like, flexing that muscle makes my forehead crunch up, my top lip go numb, and then my head starts to hurt. Maybe I’m doing it wrong?

Ben Wa balls are supposed to help tighten those muscles, and unlike the electric ab belt that’s supposed to shock my stomach into a six pack, I figured this was going to be marginally more effective and less flammable.

I did my research and decided on Smartballs because they are connected to each other and have a string that hangs outside your body. My doctor insists things can’t get lost in my vagina and float up to my brain, but he’s apparently never had to fish out a lost tampon string while squatting over his grandfather’s toilet in the middle of August.


Disclaimer: I took this picture before I put these up in my snack pack, but it’s not like you’ve never seen anything that’s been in my vagina before. You’ve met my kids.

So I bought these Smartballs, which look way bigger in real life, to force my birth canal to be less canaly and more trickling brooky, but if it also resulted in even better sex, wonderful! Although in general, I’m an outside sex enjoyer, not an inside sex enjoyer…if you know what I mean.

The instructions say just to put a little lube on them, shove them up there, then go about your everyday activity while they strengthen your pelvic floor.

I decided to plop them in and Incredible Hulk up my cookie folding laundry while Andy napped.

They went in super easy, but when I went to walk out of the bathroom, they slipped right out and fell on the tile. Obviously, I must have put them in incorrectly. I pushed the balls back in, and then carefully made my way to the basket of clothes on the bed.

I folded everything, putting it into neat piles, thighs squeezed tightly together so the balls could get some muscle work done. It wasn’t until I moved to start hanging clothes in the closet that things went awry.

With each step, they slowly began to peek out, so I closed my thighs together and would just have to make my way to the closet using a series of choreographed calf movements. It looked weird, but it would be worth it when I could Dougie without peeing my pants.

What are you doing?

What!?

Why are you walking like that, what’s wrong with your legs?

Nothing, go back to sleep.

Seriously, what are you doing?

Nothing, God, stop stalking me, Andy.

Just move your legs apart.

You’re a pervert.

Move them.

Uggghhhh. *weird puckering sound* *thud*

Did you just shit on the floor!?

No, Jesus, they’re exercise balls, they fell out of my vagina, do we have no boundaries anymore?

This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint.

An agonizingly long, slimy, teenager trying not to give birth in a bathroom, marathon.

Ellen July 13, 2012 at 11:42 am

Your blog is hilarious and you remind me a lot of myself. I’d be honored if you read my blog and let me know your thoughts.

http://bloggingwench.weebly.com/the-dumbest-thing-youll-read-today.html

Imelting! July 13, 2012 at 12:55 pm

So funny and SO right! Now I know why we stop having children in our 40′s and 50′s – they would just fall right out on the floor!

Louise July 13, 2012 at 12:55 pm

OMG I almost spit my breakfast shake all over my key board. Thanks for the morning laugh!

Cyndi August 12, 2012 at 8:49 pm

OMG I laughed so hard I choked! Thanks for a great Laugh!

Lisa July 13, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I swear I almost peed my pants reading this.
Hilarious and awesome!!!

Erin July 13, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I found you via “Julie @ A Day in the Wife”. I just have to say that…….I would have peed myself wet and icky if I hadn’t just had bladder sling surgery in June. OMG……hilarious post. Note that I haven’t managed to read 50 shades of gray yet but am planning it soon.

Stephenie July 13, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Your blog just earned another follower. I might need
to practice kegels just to keep my panties sans urine
after reading your stuff.

Natalie P. July 14, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Wow, I’ve been scarred for life.

Not technically because of this post, but because I didn’t see the humor in it, I saw the “dear Gods, I’ve been here”.

You see, I ended up having vaginal surgery in February for this very issue. 2 9 pound+ children did their damage and I was left with broken vag walls. Like, everything was screwed(and not in a good way), front and back.

This was my experience(prior to surgery): http://www.paganparent.net/no-more-babies-for-me-medical-tmi-with-diagrams/

Jennifer Worrell July 14, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I just shot a tampon across the room and peed a little laughing at this. Genious!

Heather July 14, 2012 at 6:33 pm

omg i just started fallowing your blog and you are pee your pants funny!!! this entry make me crack up and i cant wait to read your other stuff!!!!

Jess @ wrangling chaos July 16, 2012 at 12:13 am

My 2 year old woke up screaming, so I pulled her into bed with me and got her back to sleep. So I’m all “oh cool, I’ll catch up on blogs!”, and I read this.

And she wakes up crying because I’m laughing so hard, so silently , that I’m shaking the bed.

Because I have four kids. And I’m pretty sure the only thing even keeping my vagina attached to my body anymore is hope and fairy dust.

Ang July 16, 2012 at 7:56 pm

HAHAHA! Love this! You rock!

Nedlee July 23, 2012 at 5:59 am

Hilarious!!!

Erika July 26, 2012 at 3:34 am

This is sooooo funny. OMG please help me cuz I can’t stop reading your blog

Yani July 27, 2012 at 11:54 am

This post is freaking hilarious!!! You’re awesome!!
I’m a passion parties consultant and these Ben Wa balls and Kegel pods have been a top seller these days and they work great!! Check out my online catalog. Shop and save with me by using coupon code: SAVE10 at checkout. http://www.SoMuchPassion.com (www.TheSexyInsider.com)

Mel July 28, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Holy hell this post is hilarious!!

Marissa July 29, 2012 at 2:25 pm

This literally made me cry from laughing so hard! I bought a pair of those trainers as well and tried them for the first time yesterday, my experience wasn’t nearly as funny. I really don’t see the big deal about them…damn that Anastasia Steele/Grey!

Jennifer August 12, 2012 at 7:52 am

OMG!! Its a little before 8 on a Sunday morning & I am the only one awake in my house. I just read this and laughed so loudly that the dogs looked at me. Thank you. Just thank you! I SO needed that this morning!

Mindi August 13, 2012 at 9:22 am

Laughed so hard that I would have peed my pants BEFORE having kids!

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