She Pees.

Gigi is what I like to call, home potty trained.

Which basically means, at home, she generally/mostly goes to the bathroom in the toilet.

Everywhere else? No, that’s disgusting, but at home? Yes, ok fine.

In full disclosure, I’ll admit to not hitting the potty training train extra hard this time around. We have a deadline for preschool purposes, but there’s a certain freedom that comes with pull ups. We can go on road trips and not have to stop 40 times an hour so she can run into a smelly stall along the highway, not touch anything omg, let a dribble of pee come out, wash her hands, be freaked out by the fucking air dryer, and then not touch the door on the way out.  Over and over. It’s also nice to make it through a movie in the theater uninterrupted and not lose our place in line at Target.

Is it selfish of me? Probably. Would I wear a diaper myself to cut out public restroom breaks entirely? Absolutely.

I wouldn’t say potty training the boys was fun, I mean, what’s fun about having tiny potties all over your house that you have to empty with your own human hands, but it was a hell of a lot easier. There was an obvious incentive; hey, peeing in the potty is so much fun, you get to hold on to your pee pees like awesome little hoses and put out fires and OMG IT’S SO CRAZY FUN Y’ALL DADDY GIGGLES EVERY TIME HE DOES IT.

For Gigi it’s like, yeah, so basically you just have to sit on the potty and let it fall out of you. Nope, no hose. No, you can’t stand like the boys, it’ll just runs down your legs. I know, everything about this is dumb, here’s some M&Ms.

Zero redeemable selling points, at least not until you have kids and sitting on a toilet becomes like going to the spa, or the library, or really anywhere you go by yourself to think about things and have them narrated by a voice that didn’t come out of your vagina.

There also seems to be some sort of kid private area double standard. Andy hated changing Gigi’s diapers, I swear to God he’d say things like, you wipe back to front? to me on purpose because he knew I’d drop whatever I was doing to save our daughter from a cycle of yeast infections, mostly because “baby yeast infection” feels weird to say out loud. Like “wet nap” or “Tilda Swinton.”

So on top of ducking out of girl diaper duties, he’s trying just as hard to avoid girl potty training. Also, he doesn’t get why on Earth girls have to wipe after everything.

I get wiping after she poops, but why am I wiping her after she pees?

Because that’s how girls work.

But, it’s sterile?

It’s how I was taught, Andy. My mother was a wiper, as was her mother, as well as my great grandmother. I come from a long line of wipers.

It just seems like a lot of unnecessary wiping, we just sorta shake the pee of and put it away.

Great, you teach her how to pee then shake her vagina until all the pee comes off, and we’ll see if she doesn’t end up naked on the internet before she’s 20.

Regardless, it’s all entirely unfair because I’m pretty sure I had to head up Operation Get Boys to Point Wieners in the Toilet even though I am, medical evidence withstanding, without a wiener myself.

Girls who look like Brittany. Scaring the fuck out of Andy since 1996.

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  1. says

    She is seriously CUTE!

    I had my first daughter trained (night and day) before the age of 18 months. It helped that she was seriously allergic to diapers and was smart enough to know that if she peed on the potty she could avoid the pain that went with wearing diapers.

    My second daughter was not the same child… what-so-ever! She was tough. She would choose the most inopportune times to decide to pee! It also didn’t help that I purchased pull ups for her… she felt like a big girl but was still peeing in them A LOT. But we got there… and you will too. She will train fully when she is ready. I think our job is to encourage it and applaud her when she completes the task successfully but really… who cares if that sweet baby wears a pull-up (for now).

    Just my two cents worth.

    Make it a great day!

    Momma Marge

  2. says

    This is the one thing that makes working out of the home and daycare totally worth it. Both my kids were trained there and I just had to do what they told me. If not for them I’m pretty sure both mine would still be in diapers. I had no clue what I was doing.

    • says

      I agree with Jennifer 100%. My son’s daycare totally potty trained him, sent a note home to me saying “put him in underwear. He’s good to go.” and I was saved. Otherwise, my now 12 year old would be wearing Pull-Up’s.

  3. says

    She is sooooo beautiful!!!!!
    I had to laugh here. When my son was potty training, we made the mistake of taking him into Chase Pitkin (a home improvement Home Depot type store). Not even thinking, I turned my back in the bathroom remodeling department.
    He peed in a display toilet. Right there in front of the customers and the employee showing toilets to the customers.
    I was so embarrassed and proud at the same time.

  4. leanne says

    “I come from a long line of wipers.” LOVE.

    And totally get your feelings about wanting to keep Gigi in Pull-Ups. Totally. My daughter really kinda hates peeing anywhere other than home and preschool.

  5. Danica says

    My daughter (I’m pretty sure she was born the same day as Gigi) stripped off her pants in the middle of Wal Mart one day around three months after her second birthday, and said she wasn’t wearing pants anymore. She hasn’t worn pull ups since (we eventually convinced her about pants in public). I totally understand wanting to keep them in pull ups!

  6. Angel says

    We skipped the Pull-Ups and went straight to undies. She wet herself several times and it finally clicked when we had friends and family over for Christmas. She peed right in the middle of the living room and then freaked the eff out because everyone was looking at her. A few days later, she was attempting to poop in the toilet but missed and pooped on the floor. When I returned to the crime scene with paper towels, my daughter stood there with a horrified look on her face, the turd was GONE and the dog was sitting there licking his lips. Daaaaa!

    One week, that’s all it took… never mind the life time of therapy she will need.

  7. BB says

    My husband gets all grossed out with girl diapers too. He hates trying to get everything clean in all the cracks. He says that a boy’s balls act like a dam and keep the crap to the back unlike girls whose crap goes everywhere! He also complains about how much toilet paper girls use. He just doesn’t understand proper hygiene in my opinion.

  8. says

    You can’t shake a vagina, Andy.

    *SIGH*

    Doesn’t he realize our underpants would get all wet if we didn’t wipe?

    P.S. My pediatrician told me there are some sort of potty-training underwear out there that are cotton on the inside, and plastic on the outside. So the potty trainee feels the wetness but the carpets and furniture don’t get peed on. I keep meaning to Google it but haven’t yet.

  9. Tina says

    I potty trained my niece for my sister in law one summer I didn’t have a job. I got her super stoked about a random-ass item (in this instance, she wanted a “silly face cake”) and after a week of no accidents, I went to the bakery with the desire to purchase a “silly face cake”. Well, old women at bakeries are NOT as creative as the Cake Boss, so I did it myself. Gave the kid a fork and said enjoy. She still talks about the time Aunt Tina let her eat a whole cake and she puked her guts out…..but at least she didn’t piss herself!

    • says

      You sound like the most awesome aunt EVER. I’m feeling kind of inferior right now, trying to think of something equally cool I’ve done for my nephews, but I’m coming up empty.

      • Tina says

        So I just got the call….My Fairy Godmother potty trained my 25 month old nephew in 3 days. Accident free. And no child abuse. It may be a drive to Elkhart, Indiana but she’s cheap.

  10. carlyn says

    My oldest is almost 2, and i have no idea how to start, since the kid could careless if she shit her brains out or if her diaper is hanging down to her knees. Sigh. She’s so much more like a boy than anything. She is also sweetly evil. Not looking foward to it with her. I think her little sister will be trained wwweeellll before she is.

    • Brittany says

      SAME. I am like, do you like sitting in pee and poop!?

      *blink, blink*

      Awesome, we’re going to be here a while.

      • carlyn says

        WTF is that? Meanwhile her sister makenna… A drop of pee and she’s screaming. But not Arianna, totally cool with smelling up the joint.

        • Brittany says

          I KNOW. If it helps, we trained Jude and Wyatt together…Wyatt got it first. Jude was like, “meh, whatevs.”

      • Kristi says

        My son was a piece of cake to potty train. He even got the night time potty thing down without one accident. My daughter….. couldn’t care one bit. We bribed with the big girl panties, stickers, candy, etc. She goes in the toilet when she wants to go. She pees her pants when she doesnt feel like using the potty. You ask her, “Do you like wearing wet pants or sitting in your own poop?” She blinks at you like, wtf, does it look like I care?! I feel your pain!

  11. Melissa says

    No Worries…I promise, she will not go to college with pull-ups.

    I applied this theory with pretty much everything with my daughter and so far…so good. Blankie, thumb sucking , potty training. Eventually it will happen :)

  12. says

    Hahaha..thanks for this post Brittany! I’m going through training girl number 3 and she has no interest in learning. She’s almost 3 too! I bribe her with skittles. Right now she’s in the other room whining to her dad about the fact that Diego is on her pull ups. Ha!
    I love the line about you teach her to shake her vagina until it’s dry! ha!
    You rock!

  13. Kendra says

    I had 3 boys in 18 months (set of twins and a single). They were all potty trained around the same time and I truly can hardly remember that time other than my life got A LOT harder. No more running an errand without spending an hour in every disgusting bathroom in the vicinity. I do remember spending most of my days perched on the edge of the tub keeping kids company in the bathroom. Yeah, potty training sucked.

  14. hdj says

    I didn’t even realize it, but I totally punted this one to daycare. I actually set out to do it myself and realized that she’d already gotten all the training at daycare but was still wearing diapers. We had one accident at home in the panties when we picked the weekend to work on this and then after that all was good. Even during naps.
    I think you should put Gigi in daycare for a month and let them do it. Sure, it’s expensive as fuck, but then you don’t have to deal with Andy trying to give her yeast infections and rashes.

  15. says

    Ugh, I hate public restrooms even more now than I did before having a potty-trained daughter. “Don’t. Touch. ANYTHING!” My gal is freaked out of her mind by the air dryers, too.

    Since I have to deal with all the out-of-the-home bathroom excursions because my husband has assured me that men’s bathroom stalls are beyond disgusting, the rule is that he has to assist with any bathroom needs she may have at home.

    Good luck with the rest of your potty training adventures.

  16. says

    wow, I started reading your blog when you were PREGNANT with Gigi and she’s so big now! I’m feeling old right now! lol Good luck with potty training!!

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