I’m here, just…gurgly and apparently really unattractive.

by Brittany on June 7, 2012

in Marriage, may or may not be a medical emergency

I’m sick. I knew it yesterday at 3am when Gigi came sobbing into my room. I pulled her into bed with me, all warm and snuggled against my chest. Then she looked up at me with her big brown eyes, her face lit by the glow of the charging laptop on my night stand, and sneezed a ball of mucus into my open mouth.

I swallowed it, as a knee jerk reaction, but spent the next hour trying to induce vomiting and swishing peroxide.

It was too late. I woke up that morning feeling as though I’d been hit in the face with a shovel and my left eye was caked shut.

Usually how this works is, Gigi and Wyatt get super sick, I spend every waking hour giving them Sprite, cleaning up puke, keeping fevers down, and trying, almost always unsuccessfully, to keep Jude quarantined and germ free. Oh and also fruitlessly teaching them how to blow their noses. (Why is it so hard to blow out? The inability to grasp that must be genetic, Andy doesn’t know how to blow his nose either. I know.)

And then, once they are on the mend and back to their old energetic, take no prisoners, rip a beating heart from your chest selves, I get sick.

Not this time. Yesterday, I came home from a morning work obligation and collapsed next to Gigi in bed, sick in unison; snotty, achy, our limbs sore for no good reason other than the fact they are attached to our bodies. After a few hours, our fevers align, much like I assume our periods will, leaving Andy fucked 5 days a month.

It was the kind of sick that had me too ill to wear my contacts, but wearing my glasses was even more impossible, lest they dare to touch the skin on my face. The body retching cough, while productive, rendered me incapable of keeping a tampon in my body, no matter how hard my lazy ass kegel muscles squeezed in protest. I was left horizontal and blind, balancing on a thick maxi pad, or as I like to call it, Helen Keller sick.

My mom came over to check on things, and when she asked me how I felt, all I could do was emit a low pitched gurgle, so she took the boys back to her house to play, and gave the remote to Gigi, who has perfect vision and was still capable of lying in bed watching every episode of BackyardSunnyPatchdouchbagFranklins, allowing me not even one single moment of listening to Real Housewives of Anywhere. In cycles of shivering and sweat, I slipped in and out of Nyquil consciousness.

Suddenly, Andy ran into the room, I had no idea what time it was, I usually judge the time of day by whether or not Ellen had aired yet, but Gigi wasn’t having it. It felt too early for him to be there.

I looked vaguely where I assume he was probably standing.

Why are you home?

We were talking on the phone and all of a sudden you stopped talking and started making this weird choking noise.

I must have fallen asleep. You thought I was choking? Why wouldn’t you call 911, you work 45 minutes away?

I didn’t think you were dying, I just-

Awww, you wanted to come home and take care of me. You love me. You think I’m pretty and you want to kiss me.

Honestly, you look like Gollum, or a really gross pirate, but yes, I’ll take care of you.

Because the fact is, no matter how many times he rolls his eyes or shakes his head at me, taking care of me when I’m sick is his favorite. It’s the only time he doesn’t have to wrestle me for the upper hand, which, while totally an aphrodisiac, is a welcome vacation when one of us is normal looking and the other is bleeding on a puppy pad like a stuck pig with green booger crusted eyelashes.

Do I really look disgusting?

No, not really. You’re as pretty as the day I married you.

Jesus Andy, you have horrible taste in women.

Jules June 7, 2012 at 10:10 am

1. Ew.

2. Andy’s a doll.

3. I hope you feel better ASAP

Brittany June 7, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Thanks, he can be adorable sometimes. Less when he snores and cracks his toes because COME ON REALLY.

Laine Griffin June 7, 2012 at 10:23 am

The only thing better is nursing an also sick baby 24 hours a day.

Amo June 7, 2012 at 10:23 am

The good news is that you haven’t lost your funny!

Amanda June 7, 2012 at 10:41 am

Awww, this is awesome.

Jeniece June 7, 2012 at 10:51 am

My fiance can’t blow his nose either! Finally, someone who understands!

Brittany June 7, 2012 at 4:52 pm

What is WITH them? What kind of parent doesn’t teach their son to blow their nose? It’s like watching a kitten use chopsticks.

Dana June 7, 2012 at 10:52 am

oh god. I read that last line and spit in my daughter’s face, laughing.

I remember that sick, I did that a couple weeks ago. At the same time as my husband. 3 healthy kids and 2 sick adults. It was hell… and somehow I had to lay on the couch and pretend to parent while my husband got to die in the relative peace of our bedroom.

Brittany June 7, 2012 at 4:53 pm

That is always how it is. Our sick has to be functional. I assume it means we get more virgins in heaven?

Angie June 7, 2012 at 11:39 am

Kids blowing: Hold the kleenex to their nose. Hold your finger out in front of them. Tell them your finger is a candle & to blow it out with their nose. Totally works.

Brittany June 7, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Holy shit, I am trying to right now!

Kristen @ The Chronicles of Dutch June 7, 2012 at 12:04 pm

So sorry you’re sick but your funny has not been compromised.

I totally thought kids could blow their noses. Do you have to use one of those bulb squeegee things still??!! Mom of 1, 8 months old dying to know :)

Brittany June 7, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Um no, they go ape shit when I pull that thing out, they just, like, SWALLOW IT. Like cavemen. It’s ridiculous.

Also, Imma bout to give you nightmares… http://www.amazon.com/Nosefrida-The-Snotsucker-Nasal-Aspirator/dp/B00171WXII

Mommy June 7, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Ok that nose frida thing does look nasty, but it TOTALLY works and no snot gets in your mouth, I swear!!! I was so scared to try it, but my friends swore by it so I sucked it up (pun intended) and it was a miracle worker. I have a 3.5 year old and a baby and use that mofo whenever they are sick. It gets enough snot out so they can sleep, so it’s totally worth the gross factor. Plus, it’s awesome when your toddler tells everyone that Mommy sucks the boogers out of his nose with a vacuum!! ;)

Hope everyone is feeling better soon!

Jessica June 11, 2012 at 12:50 am

Just a shout out to the nose frida – that biatch can suck. Now prepare for her ass flute cousin, Windi: http://www.amazon.com/FridaBaby-The-Windi/dp/B005IGTTIA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1339390174&sr=8-1

Yep, it really works.

JustinRHoffman June 7, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Whenever I want to quote something from this blog when sharing the link I have to go between windows and go through this super-intense process of remembering and typing instead of copy and paste.

So exhausting and labor intensive but always worth it because it makes mama laugh and she could never figure out how to find this website back on her own.

Brittany June 7, 2012 at 4:55 pm

But I love you for it. More than the others.

Nikki July 13, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Oh ok… I thought I was slow because I couldnt get it to copy, lol

JenG June 7, 2012 at 12:07 pm

The not blowing nose = my husband. I don’t understand how any person can reach adulthood incapable of clearing their nostrils.

Also, Angie – OMG GENIUS!

Brittany June 7, 2012 at 4:56 pm

See, I don’t either, but Andy also throws up in bowls. Does your husband do that? How gross is that, because then you have to clean out the bowl. I mean, who raised these people!?

vanessalillian June 7, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Haha well I have a penchant for throwing up into kitchen utensils, but in my defence I save this behaviour for when I’m camping and there are no suitable alternatives. So far I have vomited into a wok (that’s dangerous to do – not very well balanced) and a biscuit tin. As you do…

Mommy June 7, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I threw up in bowls when I was a kid- because kids don’t know when it’s coming until it’s too late and can’t make it to the toilet in time. But now? Omg, Andy! No more barf bowl!!!

JenG June 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Worse, he grabs plastic grocery bags! I’m like didn’t your mom teach you to puke in the mop bucket like civilized people? The first time we got the stomach flu after getting married I nearly died. I crawled from bed to find him laying on the floor surrounded by full plastic bags 2 feet from the bathroom door.

Although in Andy’s defense, my grandma would pull out the spaghetti pot when anyone was sick. You know the huge 10 qt stock pots? I never would eat anything she made in it. My mother has that pot now and every time I see it I think of being sick.

Mandy_Fish June 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I may never get over “…and sneezed a ball of mucus into my open mouth.” Ha!

I hope you and yours feel better soon.

Jaimie June 7, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I literally laughed out loud… Disgusting and hilarious and adorable all at the same time – that’s an admirable trifecta!

Feel better!

Jaimie June 7, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I literally laughed out loud… Disgusting and hilarious and adorable, all at the same time – that’s an admirable trifecta!

Feel better!

Nicki June 7, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Get well soon!!! But not before you have been completely pampered!!

Cindy June 7, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Well, you may be sick buy you are funny as ever. Also, I’ve had a cold and keep shooting tampons out with every cough and sneeze. WTF? Feel better soon. And Andy is a sweetheart. You’re a lucky lady.

pgoodness June 7, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Aw, he wuvs you.
Feel better soon!!!

Jaimie June 7, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Disgusting, hilarious and adorable all at once. Great post!

Feel better!

Nikki Mohamed June 7, 2012 at 4:53 pm

You are so, so, so LUCKY. The last time my husband “took care of me” when I was sick….was….still thinking. Hang on. It was back in 1999…when I had a wicked bout with a stomach flu while I was about 23 months pregnant with my 4th kid in the summer time. I could only wake up to puke. And really it doesn’t count because we were living in one of those fancy-pants hotel suites while we were house-hunting and had maid service and cable t.v. to entertain the kids. And while my husband can blow his nose like a champion, he cannot swallow pills. Which really sucked after he had surgery and I had to drive all over Augusta, Ga searching for a pharmacy that even stocked liquid Morphine!

I hope that you and Gigi both feel better soonest. And God bless your mom for taking the boys for you.

Rie June 7, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Aww!

The hubs says he knows when I’m getting better when I start screaming again. He’s SUPER good when I’m sick, although he’s super bossy. Drink this, wear this, no you can’t take a shower and sit around with wet hair for 5 hours, but in the end I know it’s because he loves me.

He took forever to tell me he loves me, but I knew when I was rubbing his head while it was in my lap and then I puked all over it and the couch and he just calmly got up wiped off his face, ushered me into the shower, and cleaned up the couch. That is true love right there.

I would’ve just puked with him. LOL!

Leslie June 7, 2012 at 7:11 pm

That’s so sweet! I am pretty sure my husband would have called my mom over to help and gone to a hotel until it was all over. I am only half joking. :)

Andy is a catch!

vanessalillian June 7, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Nawwwwwwwwwwwwww :)

My man got all choked up the other day when I slipped over on an escalator at the shops and put a hole in my knee. And quite a small hole, by past standards! He walked (hobbled) me to the pharmacy to get some Betadine and a dressing for it, and he doctored me, all the while looking a little shaky. Sooooo cute!

Marge June 8, 2012 at 9:03 am

OMG, even in your current state you are still making me laugh out loud! You have a wicked sense of humour! LOVE IT

And I agree with all the other ladies here, Andy is sweet!

Make it a great day and get better

Jen @ ConcreteNCoffee June 8, 2012 at 9:07 am

I love and hate that kids are so resilient! While I want my girl to bounce back quickly, these days it seems like she only wants to sit still and cuddle if she doesn’t feel %100. Otherwise, I’m chopped liver. And you’re right, the second she’s feeling better is usually right when I feel like I’ve been hit by a ton of bricks. It’s worse if the hubby is still sick, too…

meleah rebeccah June 8, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Yikes! Feel better soon! There’s definitely a nasty stomach flu going around, I’m just getting over it myself. At least you make being sick SOUND funny!

meleah rebeccah June 8, 2012 at 12:00 pm

:)

meleah rebeccah June 8, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Yikes! Feel better soon! There is definitely a nasty stomach flu going around, I just got over it myself. At least you make being sick SOUND funny!

meleah rebeccah June 8, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I’ve tried leaving this comment three times now – but the only one that showed up is the stupid smiley face I tried as a test. So, I’ll try ONE more time….

Yikes! Feel better soon! There is definitely a nasty stomach flu going around, I just got over it myself. At least you make being sick SOUND funny!

Dawn June 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Sorry your lil’ precious infected you! Damn…summer colds are the worst! Hope you feel better fast.
Refusing to blow their nose is a MAN thing! Dear Lord, my hubby makes me crazy when he’s sick!
Me: “Do you think sucking germ filled snot back into your sinus’s is going to make you get better ANY FASTER???!!!”
Him: “it hurts my ears if I blow my nose!”
Me: “I shoved a 9lb baby out of my cooter w/o drugs…at home…suck it up cupcake!!! And blow your freaking nose!!”
I’ve been told I lack compassion… >:/

SeaD June 8, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Sorry you’re sick, but that was funnnny!

Stacey June 9, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Everyone else is saying how sweet Andy is. I got hung up on that part where he said you looked like Gollum.

LouisianaMeredith June 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Can I just tell you how much I puffy <3 you and Andy?!?

Feel better soon!

Nikki July 13, 2012 at 5:31 pm

1. LMAO
2. My friend uses that nose sucker thingy all the time for his baby.
3. LMAO again at BackyardSunnypatchdouchebagFranklins!!

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