I’m here, just…gurgly and apparently really unattractive.

I’m sick. I knew it yesterday at 3am when Gigi came sobbing into my room. I pulled her into bed with me, all warm and snuggled against my chest. Then she looked up at me with her big brown eyes, her face lit by the glow of the charging laptop on my night stand, and sneezed a ball of mucus into my open mouth.

I swallowed it, as a knee jerk reaction, but spent the next hour trying to induce vomiting and swishing peroxide.

It was too late. I woke up that morning feeling as though I’d been hit in the face with a shovel and my left eye was caked shut.

Usually how this works is, Gigi and Wyatt get super sick, I spend every waking hour giving them Sprite, cleaning up puke, keeping fevers down, and trying, almost always unsuccessfully, to keep Jude quarantined and germ free. Oh and also fruitlessly teaching them how to blow their noses. (Why is it so hard to blow out? The inability to grasp that must be genetic, Andy doesn’t know how to blow his nose either. I know.)

And then, once they are on the mend and back to their old energetic, take no prisoners, rip a beating heart from your chest selves, I get sick.

Not this time. Yesterday, I came home from a morning work obligation and collapsed next to Gigi in bed, sick in unison; snotty, achy, our limbs sore for no good reason other than the fact they are attached to our bodies. After a few hours, our fevers align, much like I assume our periods will, leaving Andy fucked 5 days a month.

It was the kind of sick that had me too ill to wear my contacts, but wearing my glasses was even more impossible, lest they dare to touch the skin on my face. The body retching cough, while productive, rendered me incapable of keeping a tampon in my body, no matter how hard my lazy ass kegel muscles squeezed in protest. I was left horizontal and blind, balancing on a thick maxi pad, or as I like to call it, Helen Keller sick.

My mom came over to check on things, and when she asked me how I felt, all I could do was emit a low pitched gurgle, so she took the boys back to her house to play, and gave the remote to Gigi, who has perfect vision and was still capable of lying in bed watching every episode of BackyardSunnyPatchdouchbagFranklins, allowing me not even one single moment of listening to Real Housewives of Anywhere. In cycles of shivering and sweat, I slipped in and out of Nyquil consciousness.

Suddenly, Andy ran into the room, I had no idea what time it was, I usually judge the time of day by whether or not Ellen had aired yet, but Gigi wasn’t having it. It felt too early for him to be there.

I looked vaguely where I assume he was probably standing.

Why are you home?

We were talking on the phone and all of a sudden you stopped talking and started making this weird choking noise.

I must have fallen asleep. You thought I was choking? Why wouldn’t you call 911, you work 45 minutes away?

I didn’t think you were dying, I just-

Awww, you wanted to come home and take care of me. You love me. You think I’m pretty and you want to kiss me.

Honestly, you look like Gollum, or a really gross pirate, but yes, I’ll take care of you.

Because the fact is, no matter how many times he rolls his eyes or shakes his head at me, taking care of me when I’m sick is his favorite. It’s the only time he doesn’t have to wrestle me for the upper hand, which, while totally an aphrodisiac, is a welcome vacation when one of us is normal looking and the other is bleeding on a puppy pad like a stuck pig with green booger crusted eyelashes.

Do I really look disgusting?

No, not really. You’re as pretty as the day I married you.

Jesus Andy, you have horrible taste in women.

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    • Brittany says

      Thanks, he can be adorable sometimes. Less when he snores and cracks his toes because COME ON REALLY.

    • Brittany says

      What is WITH them? What kind of parent doesn’t teach their son to blow their nose? It’s like watching a kitten use chopsticks.

  1. Dana says

    oh god. I read that last line and spit in my daughter’s face, laughing.

    I remember that sick, I did that a couple weeks ago. At the same time as my husband. 3 healthy kids and 2 sick adults. It was hell… and somehow I had to lay on the couch and pretend to parent while my husband got to die in the relative peace of our bedroom.

    • Brittany says

      That is always how it is. Our sick has to be functional. I assume it means we get more virgins in heaven?

  2. says

    Kids blowing: Hold the kleenex to their nose. Hold your finger out in front of them. Tell them your finger is a candle & to blow it out with their nose. Totally works.

  3. Kristen @ The Chronicles of Dutch says

    So sorry you’re sick but your funny has not been compromised.

    I totally thought kids could blow their noses. Do you have to use one of those bulb squeegee things still??!! Mom of 1, 8 months old dying to know :)

  4. says

    Whenever I want to quote something from this blog when sharing the link I have to go between windows and go through this super-intense process of remembering and typing instead of copy and paste.

    So exhausting and labor intensive but always worth it because it makes mama laugh and she could never figure out how to find this website back on her own.

  5. JenG says

    The not blowing nose = my husband. I don’t understand how any person can reach adulthood incapable of clearing their nostrils.

    Also, Angie – OMG GENIUS!

    • Brittany says

      See, I don’t either, but Andy also throws up in bowls. Does your husband do that? How gross is that, because then you have to clean out the bowl. I mean, who raised these people!?

      • says

        Haha well I have a penchant for throwing up into kitchen utensils, but in my defence I save this behaviour for when I’m camping and there are no suitable alternatives. So far I have vomited into a wok (that’s dangerous to do – not very well balanced) and a biscuit tin. As you do…

      • Mommy says

        I threw up in bowls when I was a kid- because kids don’t know when it’s coming until it’s too late and can’t make it to the toilet in time. But now? Omg, Andy! No more barf bowl!!!

      • JenG says

        Worse, he grabs plastic grocery bags! I’m like didn’t your mom teach you to puke in the mop bucket like civilized people? The first time we got the stomach flu after getting married I nearly died. I crawled from bed to find him laying on the floor surrounded by full plastic bags 2 feet from the bathroom door.

        Although in Andy’s defense, my grandma would pull out the spaghetti pot when anyone was sick. You know the huge 10 qt stock pots? I never would eat anything she made in it. My mother has that pot now and every time I see it I think of being sick.

  6. says

    I literally laughed out loud… Disgusting and hilarious and adorable all at the same time – that’s an admirable trifecta!

    Feel better!

  7. says

    I literally laughed out loud… Disgusting and hilarious and adorable, all at the same time – that’s an admirable trifecta!

    Feel better!

  8. Cindy says

    Well, you may be sick buy you are funny as ever. Also, I’ve had a cold and keep shooting tampons out with every cough and sneeze. WTF? Feel better soon. And Andy is a sweetheart. You’re a lucky lady.

  9. says

    You are so, so, so LUCKY. The last time my husband “took care of me” when I was sick….was….still thinking. Hang on. It was back in 1999…when I had a wicked bout with a stomach flu while I was about 23 months pregnant with my 4th kid in the summer time. I could only wake up to puke. And really it doesn’t count because we were living in one of those fancy-pants hotel suites while we were house-hunting and had maid service and cable t.v. to entertain the kids. And while my husband can blow his nose like a champion, he cannot swallow pills. Which really sucked after he had surgery and I had to drive all over Augusta, Ga searching for a pharmacy that even stocked liquid Morphine!

    I hope that you and Gigi both feel better soonest. And God bless your mom for taking the boys for you.

  10. says

    Aww!

    The hubs says he knows when I’m getting better when I start screaming again. He’s SUPER good when I’m sick, although he’s super bossy. Drink this, wear this, no you can’t take a shower and sit around with wet hair for 5 hours, but in the end I know it’s because he loves me.

    He took forever to tell me he loves me, but I knew when I was rubbing his head while it was in my lap and then I puked all over it and the couch and he just calmly got up wiped off his face, ushered me into the shower, and cleaned up the couch. That is true love right there.

    I would’ve just puked with him. LOL!

  11. Leslie says

    That’s so sweet! I am pretty sure my husband would have called my mom over to help and gone to a hotel until it was all over. I am only half joking. :)

    Andy is a catch!

  12. says

    Nawwwwwwwwwwwwww :)

    My man got all choked up the other day when I slipped over on an escalator at the shops and put a hole in my knee. And quite a small hole, by past standards! He walked (hobbled) me to the pharmacy to get some Betadine and a dressing for it, and he doctored me, all the while looking a little shaky. Sooooo cute!

  13. says

    OMG, even in your current state you are still making me laugh out loud! You have a wicked sense of humour! LOVE IT

    And I agree with all the other ladies here, Andy is sweet!

    Make it a great day and get better

  14. says

    I love and hate that kids are so resilient! While I want my girl to bounce back quickly, these days it seems like she only wants to sit still and cuddle if she doesn’t feel %100. Otherwise, I’m chopped liver. And you’re right, the second she’s feeling better is usually right when I feel like I’ve been hit by a ton of bricks. It’s worse if the hubby is still sick, too…

  15. says

    I’ve tried leaving this comment three times now – but the only one that showed up is the stupid smiley face I tried as a test. So, I’ll try ONE more time….

    Yikes! Feel better soon! There is definitely a nasty stomach flu going around, I just got over it myself. At least you make being sick SOUND funny!

  16. Dawn says

    Sorry your lil’ precious infected you! Damn…summer colds are the worst! Hope you feel better fast.
    Refusing to blow their nose is a MAN thing! Dear Lord, my hubby makes me crazy when he’s sick!
    Me: “Do you think sucking germ filled snot back into your sinus’s is going to make you get better ANY FASTER???!!!”
    Him: “it hurts my ears if I blow my nose!”
    Me: “I shoved a 9lb baby out of my cooter w/o drugs…at home…suck it up cupcake!!! And blow your freaking nose!!”
    I’ve been told I lack compassion… >:/

  17. says

    1. LMAO
    2. My friend uses that nose sucker thingy all the time for his baby.
    3. LMAO again at BackyardSunnypatchdouchebagFranklins!!

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