Why Summer Break Doesn’t Suck

Today is Jude’s last day of school. We did it, another year.

Wyatt finished pre-school last week, which could not have come at a better time. While he started off the year strong, running into the classroom and wanting absolutely nothing to do with me, the last three weeks have been a shit storm of me trying to drop him off, him screaming, crying, trying to climb my body like a tree, and darting for the exit door.

We spent a week exploring various logical reasons he has regressed so randomly at the end of, what until that point had been, an uneventful, super fun year. We talked to teachers and school counselors, principals and classroom aides, looking for some sort of rational explanation as to Wyatt’s sudden intense fear of going to school.

Then casually on a Wyatt and mommy date to Chipotle, he told me he thinks the school bathroom is haunted and he can’t hold it all day, so he’d rather just stay home where he can pee without poltergeists seeing his junk.

I totally understand where he is coming from, and I couldn’t adore this kid more. I plan to tweet Bill Murray and J.K. Rowling about it this summer, because they are the only two people I would trust with bathroom ghost situations, and Wyatt refuses to wear a diaper.

I know a lot of parents get grumpy about summer vacation, and I get it. The kids are home all day, whiny, hot, bored, fighting… it sucks.

But when I balance all that against the following:

  • No more waking up at 6am on purpose, I honestly don’t want to see daylight until Price is Right comes on, and even then, I won’t get out of bed until I’m done heckling Drew about his weight loss and fake glasses.
  • No more last minute daily $4 ATM fees on the way to school because I never have baggies to put lunch stuff in, and Jude yells at me when I send him to school with a lunch bag full of food wrapped in leftover tortillas taped together. Ironically, I make a similar version of edible mexi-panties that Andy is always super psyched about, so I think Jude just has poor taste.
  • No more brushing our teeth. Kidding. Maybe.
  • I can drink earlier because I don’t have that whole pick up the kids sober driving obligation.
  • No more pretending George¬†Stephanopoulos is as endearing as Josh Elliott, because he’s just not, GMA. He’s not. Plus, I don’t trust men under 5 feet tall, except for Peter Dinklage, and even then, it’s purely for sexual reasons.
  • I don’t have to worry about giving anyone lice. Or herpes. That, friends, was a boil, and I took a video of myself popping it, but Andy won’t let me post it. He is apparently the FCC of the internet.
  • No more pretending to understand kindergarten math and then crying on the deck getting high because why do we all need math all the time, what are we? China?
  • No more wondering why they stopped asking me to be a lunch mom.
  • Three months of no tuition payments, assuming I even made them, which I mostly did. Apparently you have to pay all the money in order to get your report card. And to that I say, who the fuck wants a report card?
  • No more making up excuses to call the kids off school because the garage door opener battery is dead, and like the tv, you can’t use your hands to manually work things in 2012. See, I’m not being lazy, dad, only the robots can control stuff now. It’s like he’s never seen Tron or Wall-E.
  • No one is eating anyone else’s face off. Apparently that’s a real life problem now.

See, summer just got a lot more doable for me. Well, all that plus the Dove I secretly started rubbing under my boobs, because I mean, really. Boobs don’t just smell pretty all summer on their own.


Happy Summer!

In honor of my new found summer freedom, I’m going to give away one (1) $100 Target gift card to someone. I really love buying unnecessary crap Target and just assume other people do to, so to win it, you have to leave me a comment, as many as you want really, mostly about awesome stuff like why summer vacation doesn’t suck or how you put deodorant under your boobs, too!

The giveaway ends tomorrow, May 31st, at 11:59pm EST.

 

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  1. Christina says

    counting down to June 8th,plus the school is changing the morning bell to 8:10 in the fall. I’m thankful to sleep in all summer except when I have to wake the hubby for work. He is deaf,and there is no way I would be able to handle the shaking bed alarm clock!

  2. Elizabeth says

    I LOVE summer break! I’m a teacher, so I try to thoroughly enjoy my summer each and every year by sleeping in, catching up on all my tv shows, reading smutty books, and drinking more often haha. P.S. I definitely try to make my boobs smell nice as it gets hotter outside, but I put some B&BW body spray directly there instead of deodorant (unless I’m exercising in which I’ll put it on there too haha).

  3. Jessie Nehk says

    I love that the kids are out of school for summer, because I will no longer be the only one in my pajamas at 2 o’clock in the afternoon! Unless my 7 year old prima donna, decides she is just simply too cool to explain to the UPS man that her mom works from home, so what’s the point of getting dressed. Oh… now I am depressed, the cold truth just set in. I will be the only one in my pajamas at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, even during summer break! LOL!

  4. Rylee says

    Summer is awesome. Except I’m pregnant ad due in July. So my boobs aren’t the only things I’m slathering with deodorant. (MAN deodorant, mind you) I’ve pretty much turned-in my moisturizer for deodorant instead. I still have to shower morning and evening. Aaaand sometimes at 3 am when I wake up sweating like we’re camping in the jungle.

    Pick me for the target card! Mama needs diapers! (and more deodorant!) :D

  5. says

    I will love not having to get up super early and get ready. I am preparing for the three of them fighting for most of the day…so we’ll have to do something, like swim lessons, parks, eating a lot of popsicles since they can’t talk with food intheir mouths, well not much anyway.

  6. Jen says

    Summer vacation begins on June 18, yup we have to go for our last day (a half day at that) on a Monday, darn Snowtober! I can’t wait to sleep in and let the kids dine on frozen waffles for breakfast. I have a running list of summer projects, some may get done others no way! A Target gift card could sure help the list get going!

    Happy Summer!

  7. Jennifer Davis says

    No more snack mom days, no more bringing home the ‘class pet’ aka disgusting stuff dog named chewie!
    Yay summer!!

  8. Jessica Marcotte says

    I just found you blog a few weeks ago, and I have to tell you…you are funny shit. I appreciate someone who has the ability to say it how it is, while maintaining a go with the flow attitude. I laugh while reading every post you write. Thanks for the entertainment. Enjoy your summer…looking forward to reading about it.

  9. Lexi says

    Even though I will be uncomfortably pregnant for the entire summer, I am looking on the bright side where the ice cream and sno-cones live. I also do not have to go on an endless search to find maternity pants that are long enough, because I can live in maxi dresses and capris. Other than that, it’s going to be really fucking hot.

  10. Kristina says

    Finally not having to hunt for socks. It seems like our socks don’t multiply here, they dissappear! And no coats! And they can play outside for HOURS!

  11. LeAnn says

    Summer doesn’t suck because I don’t have homework, and I get to go to Hawaii (even if it is with the in-laws), I won’t have homework at the age of 41 until August. Go Broncos!

  12. Mandy says

    Summer saves me money…I can get some high school kid to take care of my kids, for half the price of a daycare!

  13. says

    LOL… you are awesome!

    I love summer because I refuse to put my kids in any organized activities in the summer and I get to relax! Summertime is for campfires, booze, water games and biking!! That is it.. no schedules, no homework and, did I mention… NO SCHEDULES!

    Make it a great day!

  14. Mandy says

    I already posted, but I just wanted to say that I JUST FOUND OUT I’M PREGNANT!!! A gift card to target would start my baby shopping beautifully!

  15. Lisa T. says

    I put deodorant under my boobs…. and asscheeks… all summer long. Sometimes, if I’m wearing a skirt or dress, it goes on my inner-thighs, too… :)

  16. says

    Before I read the last paragraph, I said to my husband “SEE! I’m not the only one who puts deodorant under their boobs & suffers from severe SWOOB (boob sweat, similar to swack – back sweat). He rolled his eyes – apparently he doesn’t think it’s a real life problem.

  17. says

    I love summer vacation too. It’s a lot less work. And way more fun. And also, hell yes, I use Secret under my boobs. Because flop-sweat is seriously disgusting.

  18. says

    the ‘boob and deodorant’ thing amaze me a bit, it’s my first time to hear about it.. hehe
    anyway…summer is definitely the best season, it’s the perfect time for all the beach lovers like me to enjoy life at the highest level:)
    Summer means “stress-free” and “happiness”!!!!

  19. Amanda says

    I can NOT wait for our summer break to start!! I feel like it’s important to take all of your possible sick days :P I too, am ready to be done making up reasons to keep the kids home because we just didn’t find time to get the ton of homework done that the first grade teacher thinks is going to make my child a perfect adult. CRAZY!!

  20. says

    I’m also a teacher and love that I can sleep until whenever and drink all day if I want.

    P.S. The kids at my school hate using the bathroom too. It’s dark and gross and disgusting. I would hold it if I was your son too. Or at least try to find a covered spot on the playground….

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