To the Mattresses.

We’re currently mattress shopping. Unlike furniture shopping, mattress shopping has been something I insist on being sober for, less I end up with a waterbed.

Truthfully, I’d be ok with a set of bunk beds, as I have a growing desire to not be touched while I sleep. In the old days, that may stem from the fact that I have no control over my body when I sleep, so if Andy would caress my tummy, I would be unprepared and un-sucked in. Now, I’m just hot and over-exhausted and would like to not have shit rub up on me. In fact, if I wasn’t paranoid about intruders, I’d buy one of those eye masks and noise canceling headphones, because sleeping next to Andy is a chorus of irreconcilable differences.

Please stop snoring.

Please stop chewing in your sleep.

Please stop touching me with your toenails.

I assume I’d be just annoying to sleep beside, should I ever be afforded the luxury of R.E.M.

We currently find ourselves on the queen size bed I have had for almost ten years. A lot of things have happened on this bed, including but not limited to, my water breaking and a college bong water accident. I like to pretend it’s probably not full of mold, and the tiny bites on my leg are from the eye bag fairies who visit me each night.

Mattresses are shockingly expensive. Like, if you asked me how much a mattress cost, I would assume it would be around the price of a full body tattoo, which I don’t even entirely know the exact price of, it probably depends on what you decide to get. I think, as a rule, dragons, Elvis and John Lennon quotes cost more, that’s the market for ya.

Since our primary mattress complaint is lack of room, we have decided to upgrade to a king size, which seems to baseline around six full body tattoos. We’ve gone around to a few mattress stores, and while the option to bounce on it and not spill a wine glass is cool, I kinda just want a normal pillow top mattress that’s not full of black mold and doesn’t require a remote I’ll probably lose.

This one here is a pillow top California King.


I can leave you two alone, a lot of couples like to practice spooning or whatnot on the beds, to get a feel for them.

Well, that’s not very realistic. How about Andy and I lay on it, and you and, like, four more associates come lay on it with us so I can see if I have enough personal space.


Grab that little guy back there, the one who looks like a chubby Hawaiian baby.

Andy and I went to dinner empty handed. We get gun-shy when we have to spend a lot of money on something. Over shrimp curry, I decided to once again float the idea by him of separate beds, like Lucy and Ricky. I know it sounds bad, a happily married couple sleeping in separate beds, but the things is, while I adore every inch of him awake, I’m starting to hate his guts asleep, and I’m running out of options. Maybe this is why Edward Cullen is appealing? I can sleep, and he’ll just lay there watching me all creepy like, and when I wake up and ask if I drooled or snored, he’d lie to me and then we’d do it. It’s the perfect arrangement, that whole book makes sense now.

But, Andy hates the idea of separate beds. His parents slept not only in separate beds, but on entirely different floors, so he has this picture in his head of us pillow talking it up until we fall asleep in each other’s arms. But, the reality of the situation is, we lay in bed fighting over who didn’t put the Chinese food in the fridge, and then he falls asleep and I plot his demise for the next six hours.

I read in an interview that Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton are very much in love, but live in two adjoining houses. Now, I love Helena. I have this thing for maniacally brilliant women who devour ugly roles. Anyone can be pretty, Helena, while stunning, is dark and addictive. She’s my spirit animal.

I remember reading about the Helena and Tim living arrangement and thinking, genius! Here you have two creative people who adore each other enough to allow themselves to both live together…and apart. That is the answer.

Two homes joined together by those hotel room doors that you never open because on the other side, people are having sex or cutting coke.

It will take a lot of sweet talking Andy, but maybe he’d go for it if I promise him he can fill his side with shiny black leather couches and a coffee table that is really a fishbowl filled with piranha?

It’d be like living with 80’s Don Johnson, but it’d be worth it for a solid night’s sleep and Bill Murray mural in my bathroom.

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  1. Rachel says

    A compromise might be what I’ve seen in hotels in Europe. Buy a king sized box spring and 2 twin mattresses. No one is bouncing the other person, but it’s still 1 bed.

    My husband and I have a memory foam bed from Design within Reach and LOVE it.

  2. says

    I stayed in a hotel recently that had a king bed and OMG I LOVED IT SO MUCH!!! It was like, small enough to feel close to the mister and be able to talk to him and poke him when I was bored and couldn’t sleep, and big enough that we didn’t HAVE to touch and the mattress didn’t really move, even if we were flailing about in our sleep, but if I wanted to scootch on over for a cuddle, that he didn’t whinge about me hogging the bed. The only thing is, I would probably dummy up the actual size of the bed using cardboard or chairs and string or something to figure out if it will REALLY fit in your bedroom without you crashing into other stuff in your room all the time.

  3. says

    The hubby & I went mattress shopping about 4 years ago & ended up with a queen size eurotop. Which is like the most comfy thing ever. We were also super frugal about it and begged the sales person to sale us the display model so we could get it at like $150 cheaper than a new one. Then, we just Frebrezed and Lysoled the hell out of that sucker when we got it home.

  4. says

    wesley and i haven’t slept in the same bed for …. a long time. more than six months. i think over the course of our 9 year marriage, we’ve spent about 5 in the same bed. we’re a better couple for it. i love the idea of two twin beds. i don’t particularly care for sleeping alone in the room, but i HATEEEEE sharing a bed. i’m sure he’ll eventually creep back into the bedroom after i grow some balls and kick the baby out, but i’m kind of holding onto the baby because she takes up way less space. my grandparents have always had separate beds and recently celebrated 65 years of marriage. so, i pretty much think that’s the key.

  5. Jeanne says

    OMG I feel your pain. We alternate sleeping on the couch because my husband’s snoring is so horrid. It’s like a freight train. And we have a dinky queen size bed so its

    Now it’s so bad that even if he’s doing those little tiny snuffy snores I have to leave.

    We’re eying up a king too, just so the snoring isn’t right in my ear. I’d love separate bedrooms. But I’d probably have to promise to sleep with him every night in order to have that. And we’d have to add on. Hmm. That doesn’t look promising.

    • Lorrie says

      Get him checked for sleep apnea and maybe a breathing machine. No snoring sounds and you both sleep better!

  6. Katy says

    I love our king size bed. We went out and got it when I was about three months pregnant. Now I’m on the verge of delivering and I know for sure that I would be looking at single motherhood if we hadn’t gotten the bigger bed. It was worth every single penny it cost us.

  7. says

    The mattress store should stock spare children and dogs that you can borrow to try out mattresses. We have to pile on at least three big dogs and arrange them with one curled up at the foot, one spread-eagle in the middle and the other curled up on the pillows by the headboard. Really, you never see that arrangement in the commercials…

    Those showrooms are so unrealistic and those mattresses are wayyyyyy too expensive to make a mistake on (really, no pun intended there.) Most of the time, the purchasing decision ends up being: “We can live with our old one for a little bit longer.”

    Do these mattress retailers know that? Probably not.

  8. says

    Freaking hilarious! I’m a “don’t-touch-me-or-I-will-cut-you-mothafucka” kind of sleeper, too, incompatibly matched with one of those rare, romantic men who entertain visions of us drifting off with limbs intertwined and waking in the golden light of a sunrise with miraculously minty breath and gooberless eyes. He would be positively shattered if I suggested separate beds, but I lay next to him every night, contorting to avoid feeling his toenails or breath on me, and think how very lovely it would be. *wistful sigh*

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