Texas

I’ve never been to Texas.

In fact, all I know about Texas I learned from the Rick Perry Presidential campaign and when Pee Wee toured the Alamo in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

So, I had really high expectations, and when one of my best friend’s in the world, Shauna, asked us to stay with her, I couldn’t say no.

As no surprise to any of you, we drove, but it was actually really cool, because I got a chance to drive through states I had never actually seen in person to confirm they actually exist, like Missouri and Arkansas.

Both were great except, and Arkansas I hate to pick on you, but I have two things:

1. I drove through you at night, and there were like, a million dead animals on the side of the road. So many, the roads were stained red, like roads of blood. It was exactly like the beginning of every Rob Zombie movie. I was actually trying to wake Andy up because I was freaking out after I saw the bottom half of a deer laying in the lane next to me, when I accidentally hit an opossum, but it was 2am, and I couldn’t emotionally process the event, so I spent the next hour singing along to Danny’s Song on repeat until Andy let us get a hotel for the night.

2. Arkadelphia and Texarkana are just other places mashed up with the word Arkansas.  It’s like you’re not even trying. In fact, my friend Shauna didn’t even think I was really coming to Texas, at all.

Honestly, other than that, you were lovely, and I will have to visit again, because I’m dying to see Ark Vegas and Bostansas.

I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to like Texas, even though Andy has been dying to go visit, because in his head, he wants to live anywhere that isn’t snowy Ohio, so he did what any smart husband would do and planned the trip around food in an attempt to woo me.

Spoiler alert: that almost always works. It’s the only reason I go to the gynecologist or agreed to see the Star Wars Prequels.

I ate so much food, you guys.

In fact, on the drive down, Andy was all, gosh, it’s going to be hard to be all low carb down there with all those tortillas, and I was like, yes that will be really hard for you, good luck with that.

Sorry, I love to eat, I bought three different sizes of jeans with me, and a staggering amount of maxi dresses, this was happening. And it did, hard, which presented a whole new set of problems.

First, I don’t know if it’s just me, but does anyone else have this thing where when they travel, they cannot poop to save their lives? No matter where I go, I show up bloated and puffy and my stomach just keeps getting harder and harder, until by the end of the week, I’m double fisting laxatives for relief. You should have seen me on the last day of Disney, granted, it was poor planning on my part and I almost had to jump off It’s a Small World to shit behind Russia, but dude, at least my pants finally buttoned.

This happened in Texas, only times infinity, because I had the added bonus of reintroducing carbs to my digestive system. I died a thousand deaths last week, most of them on the floor of Shauna’s upstairs bathroom, but it was worth it. Fort Worth has the best food I have ever, ever, eaten. Uncle Julio’s, Dutch’s, Sushi Axiom, Joe T. Garcia’s… I looked 6 months pregnant in a maxi dress by the end of the week, but I just gently rubbed my belly, because I was carrying the most adorable Mexican-Asian-South American baby ever.

The next problem I faced was alcohol. Staying low carb limited my consumption options, so I’d been mostly dry for the last 3 months…until I went to Texas. One drink in, and it was like I was 7th grade Brittany all over again, getting shit faced in the field behind my parents house, asking my friends if they thought I was pretty and crying when my gay friend Mike wouldn’t make out with me for practice.

While I was in town, Shauna put together this amazing get together with some local Texans, and it was an absolute blast. Everyone was amazing, the food at Joe T. Garcia’s was stupid good, our waitress looked like a prettier Polish version of Cameron Diaz, and the night was perfection…except that after three pitchers of margaritas, I couldn’t feel my face anymore, probably like how botox works.

This is the stunning, and I mean, like…gorgeous BreAnn and I. I think I asked her twice if my face was working for this picture.
If you have pictures from this party, I’d love to see them!

After the get together, I stumbled my way up the steps to the bedroom to find Andy playing on his new iPad and the kids fast asleep. He looked super adorable and I am still operating on the fantasy that he’s Christian Grey from 50 Shades, so I was all, ohhhh Fiddy Fiddy Fiddy, you are so hot right now, we should totally do it, and Andy was like, totally, and I was all, awesome, just please don’t, like, touch my stomach or my intestines at all, ok, because bad things are happening there.

It was the best vacation ever.

I love Texas.

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  1. says

    I’m in Houston and so jealous when I saw you were going to be in Forth Worth! I’m a transplant to Texas from Ohio. I don’t think I can ever leave because noone else does mexican food (and by mexican I mean carnitas and margaritas) like Texas!

    And your American-Mexican -South American baby is going to be soooo adorable. I hope it has your hair!

    • Kristi says

      Oh me too! I do miss a couple things from Ohio – namely Bob Evans and the first time the snow falls and you’re all “It’s so pretty!” before you remember that you’re going to have to shovel that crap and scrape the ice off your car.
      We were just in Dallas a couple weeks ago and gorged ourselves on In-n-Out. Dallas still has better restaurants than we do here in Houston, sad to say.

      • Brittany says

        Wait, there is no Bob Evans in Texas? OMG the Wildfire Chicken Salad and banana bread might be a deal breaker….

        • Kristi says

          Sometimes I open the Bob Evans website and pretend I’m there. I miss the rolls most of all. Sigh…

  2. Kelli G. says

    Please come back soon! And make a trip to Houston…or Austin, that’s not too far. I would have loved to drive up for the get-together, but driving from Houston to Ft. Worth on a Thursday wasn’t happening. Glad you had fun!

    • Brittany says

      I will absolutely visit Austin and Houston, especially if you have good food and can get me drunk.

      • Kelli G. says

        Having lived in both Dallas and Houston, I can honestly say I think Houston has better food and better bars (especially the kind that work extra hard at getting you drunk — the best kind). And if you like BBQ, definitely go to Austin, no doubt.

  3. says

    I get the travel constipation too (saying the word “constipation” makes me feel like an 80-year-old British woman). I think it’s psychological.

    But, to give your psyche and your intestines a little push, my doctor recommended Miralax. You can drink it every day of your life and you won’t get addicted to it and it’s not bad for you.

    Plus it doesn’t taste like anything, not like that Orange Vomit, AKA Metamucil.

  4. Jessica says

    Okay, so I started the low carb thing after you wrote about it and I am down 15 lbs in three weeks. It is amazing! But I had two drinks this past weekend, and I thought I was going to die that night and the next morning.

    Sitting through a wedding shower sure was fun.

  5. Amy says

    So glad I’m not the only one who cannot poop when traveling. We are not even gonna address the summer camp debacle at age 13, let’s just say I never went back again!

    • Amy says

      Oh my gosh! Did they make you like check in once a day and tell them if you pooped? I went to a camp and at night they’d like do a roll check and IN FRONT OF EVERYONE they would ask if you “growled”. Like it would be all “Amy” ‘Here’ “Brush Teeth?” ‘Yes’ “Shower” ‘Yes’ “Growl” ‘*silencesilencesilence no”

      I mean WHAT THE HELL!?

      I eventually lied because they’d send you to the office and make you drink prune juice. I also, never went back to camp.

  6. Mandy says

    I’m a former Buckeye but when I got married we moved to Arkansas! I was like what the HELL. We went to visit and I fell in LOVE. We live in the Northwest part and everyone here either works for Wallyworld (not real name but you got the idea) or is a vendor to them. There are dead animals all over the roads…I’ve never seen anything like it. Especially during breeding season. There are dead armadillos EVERYWHERE. I traveled for work and there is a park called Devil’s Den and it’s a long highway in the middle of nowhere. I was so creeped out by all the dead deer and they only had the bottoms left of the bodies. EWW! Not sure what’s going on there.

    It’s an interesting state. That’s all I’m going to say. I do enjoy Little Rock, the gangsta history and natural springs in Hot Spring are pretty awesome but I can tell you there is no hope in Hope, AR.

  7. Emily says

    Any chance we can get a peek at the wardrobe you brought with you to TX? I have searched high and low (ok full disclosure I’ve checked like, 3 stores) and can’t find a maxi dress that doesn’t make me look awful. I have 2 weddings, 1 rehearsal dinner, 6 birthdays and a few other events in the next two months and I have only two or three dresses I like and I really don’t want to wear the same thing to all of them.

    You’re the best.

  8. Erica says

    I live in Austin! You need to come visit us! Fort Worth was too far of a drive for me! Austin is pretty bad ass!!

  9. says

    I travel to Houston on business once or twice a year, and I will admit, I love Texas. And the food. OMG. OMG. I am only there for three days a time, but I shovel in a months worth of food. It’s the only reason I hate to come home. Because I know I will never find properly made delicous grits, or po’boys any where here in Indiana.

  10. Heather says

    Two words: Mira Lax. Or maybe one word? Hell if I know. All I know is, that shit works. And vice versa! And NO cramps, no emergency stops in Russia, and you will deliver your food baby painlessly.

  11. says

    Brittany, Texas LOVES you! Joe T’s was a fantastic night and it was so wonderful to meet you! I thought you looked beautiful and I totally couldn’t tell you were full of shit. I really think Andy has the right idea about living in a non snowy place and I feel it is in the best interest of all involved that you just move here (it really would be the easiest way for us to become new best friends!).

  12. says

    So glad you loved my home state! I grew up in East Texas (Nacogdoches) and visit about once a year.

    You should definitely move there! Man, I’m drooling about the food now. Tex-Mex, brisket . . .

  13. says

    Joe T.’s is TOTALLY AWESOME! Our friends are from Fort Worth, and both times we’ve been to visit, they have taken us there. I dream about it regularly, and now no Mexican place in Indiana will ever come close to measuring up…

  14. Kristine says

    Arkadelphia and Texarkana… have to agree with you there. LOL! Glad Arkansas was so good to you! ;) And obviously Texas is going to be better! :D

  15. says

    Holy hell I feel like a rockstar! And you are pretty gorgeous yourself. It was so much fun meeting you – and I am so grateful to you ladies for making my night! Because let’s face it – if I wasn’t getting drunk with you ladies, I would’ve been getting drunk by myself and there would’ve been a lot more crying and less awesomeness. Seriously – best night ever.

  16. Janna says

    I went to TCU and Joe T’s was a wonderful weekly ritual of margaritas and awesomeness, especially before it gets hot as balls, so you can eat outside. That is like the first two weeks of January, but whatevs, I love Fort Worth!

  17. says

    Jesus. Your imagery is by far the most eloquent I’ve ever read. Shitting behind Russia is a classic. (However, I must add, that you should give out warning before you make statements like that. My boss is in a really shitty, kicking puppies kind of mood today, and snorting with laughter when he walked by my desk probably wasn’t my best move.)

    So does everyone sing “Deep in the Heart of Texas” in Texas??? That’s all I remember about Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. In fact, I taught my 3 year old nephew to sing it before they went to Galveston a few weeks ago.

    And don’t worry about the whole intestinal thing… at least *somone* is pooping in Shauna’s bathroom. Because the good lord (and the interworld) knows Shauna certainly isn’t.

  18. Jodi says

    Every time I go to Texas to see my friend Jennifer…I throw up at least once…from eating too much… I am from Louisiana so our food is good too but I think Texas puts something in the water to make people binge eat like that asian guy with the hot dog eating record…is it Kobiashi? When I hit the Texas state line I go all Kobiashi….

  19. says

    Completely hilarious! So much for me being all covert and sly at work…thanks a lot!
    Never visited Texas, but I must say I’ll have to go one day. Hope you delivered your baby without too much agony :)

  20. Jules says

    Arkansan here!! I feel like I missed out on a celebrity coming to town! I lived in Arkadelphia for seven years and now live in between Arkadelphia and Texarkana! It’s not a bad place to be, but there really are dead animals EVERYWHERE.

  21. says

    I grew up in Arkadelphia, AR, and everyone thinks I’m making it up when I tell them where I’m from. Imagination must have been on vacay when they named it. On the upside (?), there is a place called Booger Hollow…..yup.

  22. Jill says

    Texas Rocks. I’m originally from the western edge of West Virginia near the Ohio border. And now I live in – wait for it – Texarkana! You missed out – its a great city. Its named because the stateline runs down the yellow line of Stateline Boulevard. Our post office sits in the middle of the street and is in both states. Lots of great, deep fried carbs to be had and lots of kitchy photo-ops (and we had our own serial killer in the 40′s with a campy 70′s horror movie to document it – The Town That Dreaded Sundown!). And its the home of Smokey and the Bandit! I live on the Texas side of town, work on the Arkansas side. Both states are pretty darn awesome.

    I spend some time in Arkadelphia for work – yea, they’re just making that crap up. And I agree with the poster above – there is no hope in Hope.

  23. JC says

    I’m a Texan living the past 36 yrs. in Arizona! I miss the shit out of Texas! Glad we showed you our best. Y’all come back now, ya hear?

  24. Gaylin says

    Never been to Texas, closest I got was Arizona and I loved the food. Oh and the state was beautiful as well.

    Poo problems: Psycillium husk. Yes the stuff they grind up for metamusil. You can buy it as the husk at healthy type stores. Not expensive either. 2 teaspoons, once a day in 12-16 ounces of water. 1/2 hour or so before a meal is best. It not only helps with constipation, it helps with the runs. Also if you do this every day, it helps lower cholesterol. Don’t ever ever dump any husk down a drain, unless you really like getting visits from your plumber.

  25. Jeanne says

    OMG you were in Fort Worth!! I knew that something cosmically cool had happened.

    I can’t poop when I travel either. It sucks ass. Literally.

    Did you hit Yucatan Taco Stand on Magnolia? The margaritas there will knock you out. Next time you come, you need to go to the Fort Worth Food Truck Park. You’ll think you’ve died and gone to foodie heaven. Bring stretch pants. But Texas likes a little meat on their ladies!

    • Brittany says

      I went, I went! I forgot to list it, but I totally went to the food truck park! I ate street tacos, vegan spicy asian salad, grilled cheese with pulled pork and pickles, a steak sandwich, and lemon bars…I can’t even think about it, I’M STILL DROOLING.

  26. Heather says

    Yes. Just yes. I went to college in Texas and when I talk to friends about making a trip back it entirely revolves around booze and food. I’m so jealous of you right now. P.S. Your next trip needs to involve an Austin visit. And carbs. Because if you go and then don’t have Kerbey Lane pancakes at 3 am, you’re not an American.

  27. says

    The Hubs doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. I too just read 50 Shades of Gray and my household is also working on the omgimsohornyletsdoitrightnow mode. He’s totally loving life. Thanks for the book reccomendation.

  28. says

    I’m so glad you got to see Texas. Fort Worth rocks for sure. And I can vouch for bizarre named towns all throughout the South….including, I kid you not: ARMPIT, ALABAMA!

  29. Kate Katje says

    Do you “Yelp”? Cuz I would totally follow you. I love good food advice. And you. I could possibly be in love with you. Don’t tell Dave.

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