If I had 500 Million Dollars

Of all the fights to have in the confines of an 18 hour car trip, how to sensibly spend our fake half a billion lottery winnings is my favorite.

It always starts off innocently enough. We agree we’d keep it a secret and claim it anonymously, I mean, I’ve seen Brewster’s Millions, and the last thing I need is crazy people trying to sell me glaciers. Like those even exist anymore!?

After we considered taxes, and what we’d divvy out to our parents and best friends, it became obvious that we had very different visions for our future.

I was all, but where would we live? And, Andy doesn’t even care. He’s all, I don’t know, bunches of places.

But, what about the kids’ school?

They can go to school anywhere.

Can we have livestock?

Do you want livestock?

I’d like the option, I’m really feeling tiny goats right now. Fainting ones.  With tiny gold grills in their mouths instead of teeth.

But then, it just got worse. Besides not wanting tiny fainting Lil’ Wayne goats, it’s painfully obvious that fake money is making Andy selfish.

I’d really like to get one of those vintage Land Rovers, the kind that kill whole rainforests every time I do school drop off.

I’d buy a Maserati Quattroport.

Um, you can’t put 3 car seats in a Maserati Quattroport.

Why would I put car seats in a Maserati?

Oh, so you get rich and decide not to be a father anymore? This is how Paris Hilton happens.

It’s like I’m seeing him for the first time.

Who would you have in your rich guy entourage?

I don’t know, probably Marky, Barry, Shane, the guy from Carlito’s Way…

Al Pacino?

Yeah, and somebody awesome, like Chuck Norris.

But, he’s a republican?

Bottom line, money changes people, and it can’t buy happiness… unless happiness is hundreds of tiny goats.

Facebook Comments



  1. says

    You don t want hundreds of tiny goats, the mess would be unbelievable. You only need three or four tops. Then, you have to hire an agency that will send a random totally hot guy to show up at your house once a day in tight white t-shirts (or no shirts) just to tell you how hot you are. THEN you should sspend at least 1 million dollars to be able to kick all the kids from Jersey Shore in the junk, because honestly, that shit just needs to stop.
    Then you should come to visit me so we can drink wine and laugh at the little people.

    • says

      For real, you DO NOT want goats. My cousin is raising them and aside from the milk, there’s really no positive in the idea. She and her husband and 2 kids just recovered from hoof and mouth disease from friggin’ goats. Further to Bella’s idea, kick all the Jersey Shore kids in the junk and overtake their show. Haven’t you always wanted to live in New Jersey?

  2. says

    Ha! We were on a 6 hour drive once & got into a fight about where he was going to be buried. He finally gave in that I could cremate him and bury 1/2 of him where I want, just so I would speak to him for the final 4 hours. Then he stated he wanted the other have to be shot into space. WHATEVER.

    • Brittany says

      See, we never have to have this fight because I already assure him I would cremate him and put his ashes into brownies and ingest him. Like pot brownies. Only made of person.

  3. Mary says

    Ohmygosh, we have had that same fake lottery winnings fight! Except ours consists of me saying I would hire a tutor and a pilot, yank my kids out of school, and travel the world. Who doesn’t want to do that? My husband.

    And I’m sorry, tiny goats are adorbs. Big ones? Not so much. Little ones? Much.

  4. bijoux says

    I grew up on a farm and we had goats from time to time. Sheep too. I must admit – I loved them. One went and joined the circus. For reals. She kept the other animals calm.

    I strongly recommend a small herd of fainting goats. Those little guys are hilarous.

  5. says

    You could totally get tiny goats now. We have pygmy goats, and they’re like $40 each, and they don’t need a ton of space. We have room for around 8 goats or more on 2 fenced acres, and I have friends with 4 goats on less than an acre. You just have to make sure to have extra hay if you don’t have enough grass in the fenced area, or don’t have access to grass year-round.

  6. Haircuter says

    This is our favorite conversation right now too. And we have totally different ideas too. My husband is going to build the house from the game CLUE with secret passage ways and all and we would hold weekly Murder Mystery Dinner Parties in the CLUE house. This is how he wants to spend $500M…. MEN

  7. says

    I thought we were the only ones who had “lottery fights”. I want to travel, he wants to build a race track and have a fleet of feraris. He told me to hire one of my friends to be my personal assistant and travel companion. It’s fun to dream about pretend money. We live 10 miles from the Georgia border, so we’re driving there tonight to buy $10 worth of tickets.

    • Brittany says

      Agree. He hasn’t had to have carseats in his car since Gigi was born. It been THAT long. He’s due to have some goldfish ground into his car mats.

  8. says

    My husband won’t let me get goats either. You know what else he won’t let me have? A cow in our backyard. It would be totally practical. We could get a milk cow and have fresh milk and butter and then, eventually . . .

    He did say we could have chickens. I hear they smell and are loud. Sigh.

  9. says

    We don’t even bring the lottery into it. Instead, I get posts forwarded from various listing sites like Craigslist for campers and boats and timeshares and vacation homes and swimming pools. The only problem is Hubby is NOT a handyman nor is he the kind to take charge to anything, and the kids follow his lead. Frustrating? Yes – if I constantly say “no”, I’m a wet blanket. If I say “ok”, I know it will ultimately be my responsibility and on my to-do list.

    Goats? No f-ing way! I don’t need more kids.

  10. Krystal says

    I love your blog. I love curvy girl guide. I love your views. I just wish you did less husband bashing. I feel like the complaining about your CLEARLY awesome husband outweighs your compliments for him…by a lot. It also makes me wonder about how he feels about you bitching about him all the time. Just a thought.

    • Brittany says

      Oh snap. I just asked him. He laughed and then rolled his eyes at me. Then we made out next to the Mr. Pibb vending machine at a rest stop in Little Rock. It was very Britney Spears.

      Thank God because it would have made the relationship book we are co-authoring super awkward.

      • Krystal says

        I feel like there’s no way I could have said that with out sounding like a bitch. I just work with children and the mom’s always complain about their husbands with a *nudge nudge* “Know what I mean?!” and I have no desire to be like “OH YEAH, TOTALLY.” I love my long term boyfriend and it makes me feel awkward. I just see it echoed in mom blogs a lot (including here) and wonder what the deal is.

        Sorry, man. I probably look really confrontational. But, really…I check your blog every day, laugh for hours, quote your funnies. I’m a fan.

        • Brittany says

          Hey it’s cool. I can’t please everyone all the time, but I try hard to make no secret I adore me some Mr. Gibbons.

          And he adores playing the straight man to my brain. It was totally in our vows;)

        • says

          Question for you (NOT trying to be confrontational, for reals): how long have you been with said boyfriend? Do you live together? Are you 100% completely happy with him?

          There’s no such thing as the fairy tale. I’ve lived w/ my man (now husband) for five years and let me tell you, there are times you must vent. Sometimes it’s online, sometimes it’s to friends over a beer, sometimes it’s to him. This is normal and healthy and doesn’t mean anything other than everyone has their faults. It’s not being disloyal, it’s being real and open and honest.

          I think Brit does a fantastic job of depicting what every marriage goes through, and she makes us laugh while doing it.

    • Brittany says

      I thought the same thing except I don’t let him comment on my blog while he’s driving. Or sober.

  11. Gabriella says

    Eff that. Where else would she “bash” her husband if not here for all of us to read? I’m tired of this new age “Husbands can do no wrong” business Ive been hearing way too much of. If they don’t like it they can start their own blog and bitch about us (because you KNOW they already do).

  12. Kristi says

    My husband wants a tiny a goat. He wants it to use the dog door and sleep in our bed. My answer is um, no. Now if we won the lottery and the tiny goats could have their own tiny house, I might consider it.

    • says

      For some reason, the picture of a tiny goat using a dog door made me bust up laughing. I can’t get over the mental image. You win today.

  13. says

    Please, like Andy reads the blog. If he is anything like my husband, he ignores it as much as possible, since he gets the live version in his home 24/7. And considers himself lucky for it, I might add…that is me talking, by the way, not my husband. I don’t think he uses the word luck and 24/7 in the same sentence with wife! 😉
    Keep it up girl, I thought it was hilarious, especially since this post provided me the inspiration to play the fake lottery game with my family the other night, and my husband was a total buzzkill about the whole thing.

    • Brittany says

      We actually only communicate through this blog. He wakes up all WHAT’S GOING ON TODAY? And then I sigh heavily and give him a link to my latest post.

      I’m just kidding, he has no idea I have a blog.


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