Sunday I fly out to Wisconsin, and thus starts the annual cycle of fear.

I’ve talked way too many times before about my fear of flight, but it didn’t occur to me, until recently, how my fear of flight was effecting others.

Color me selfish, y’all, but it turns out, people hate traveling with me, so much so, that they’ve sat down and intervention’ed me about it, like, via skype, with like…webcams.

Because I needed to see their faces of concern apparently, when they say things like, we’re afraid you’re going to bring a plane down. Or, you’re why trains still exist.

So for starters, it isn’t even my fault I hate flying, it’s the airplanes. Of all the ways airplanes could travel, in the sky seems like the stupidest decision yet.

What, airplane, you think you can just get a running start then stay suspended up in the air by science?

Maybe science should stop dangling people’s lives in the air, and instead focus on more important things like making cancer go away, or finding giants we can ride on, because that, I would do.

andre the giant transportaion

It’d still be faster than a car because their steps would be huge, so like, getting to California is a four day car ride, or, like, twelve giant steps. And, it’d be safer because we wouldn’t be floating, we’d be riding in a giant Baby Bjorn, and unless the giant was drunk, which, let’s face it, it takes a lot to get a giant drunk, amirite, it’s basically the safest way to travel.

I’ve tried lots of different things to fly without incident. I’ve tried drinking, but I can’t seem to get drunk enough to stop being afraid, but not so drunk that I don’t end up asking old men to motorboat me in that little room where the flight attendants make the cookies.

I’ve been on Xanax for years, and while it helps take the edge off, it makes flying alone difficult, because I can’t be trusted to board or de-board planes successfully in my medicine cocoon.  Plus, it doesn’t stop my habit of asking the unlucky person sitting next to me if it looks like the plane is pointing down, or if they believe God has a plan, or if they think Rich Girl by Hall & Oates is an appropriate song to play at my funeral, to which they always say no, and I’m like, you don’t know anything about me or my old man’s money, so mind your own God damned business, asshole.

This year, for my birthday, instead of surprise parties or presents, my friends have gone in together to get me hypnotized so that I’m no longer afraid to fly.

I don’t like this idea. My great-grandma’s nursing home used to have these holiday parties for the residents and their families.  I always hated going because it smelled weird, and all the food they served felt like it had been pre-chewed.  The usual entertainment was a local high school choir, or some hack magician, but one year, they had a hypnotist. At first, I thought it was going to be cool, but then he tried to hypnotize this old guy, but it turns out he wasn’t hypnotized at all, he was unconscious in his wheelchair from a stroke, and we all had to leave and he died.

Now, I’m not so crazy to think that every time someone gets hypnotized, an old person dies (though I haven’t seen the data stating otherwise), but how is it am I the only one afraid to lay in an unconscious state on a strangers couch?

My friend, Meredith, who concocted this whole scheme, has promised to go with me and not laugh, mock or videotape me.

Unless she accidentally gets hypnotized also, and then we both end up naked and on Craigslist. I’m going to wear two pairs of Spanx that day, you know, as like a deterrent.

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  1. says

    I’ve been hypnotized and you aren’t completely knocked out. Just relaxed. It is actually pretty cool. Plus it is worth a try. What if it works? That would be awesome.

  2. Kristin says

    So…I’m not really sure why the giant is only wearing a speedo. Also, the giant would totes have to get his chest hair waxed cause I wouldn’t want to have that chest-fro all up in my face. Otherwise – BRILLIANT!!

  3. says

    See, I think I’d prefer a Giant Baby Sling instead of a Giant Baby Bjorn. Sometimes when I spread my legs like that I wake up the next morning and I’m sore…I can only imagine how sore I’d be after Giant Travel to California.

  4. Andrea says

    When I was a kid I had warts on every single finger around every fingernail, which are not cool things to have as a kid. They were seriously the ugliest things in the world. My doctor had my Mom take me to hypnotist to try and get rid of them since that would be less invasive then burning them off (ouch). My hypnotist had a wooden hand with painted fingernails, which seriously creeped me out as an 8 year old. Any way, the hypnotism worked. All the warts disappeared and haven’t been back since. Moral of the story (since warts and flying have absolutely NOTHING to do with each other), hypnotism works. So good luck! I hope you get a less creepy hypnotist than I did!

      • Andrea says

        She had me visualize little white sharks attacking (white blood cells?) my warts and my hands being bathed in a healing light. It’s been almost 20 years since I had it done so that’s all I remember. She taped the session so that I could listen to it every night before I went to bed (still have the tape just in case they ever come back). Eventually they just went away. Pretty magical if I do say so myself!

  5. says

    I’m afraid to fly too. But I’m also afraid of being hypnotized over it. I mean, what if you’re in a flying situation that would actually require you to be afraid? Who will be worried then???

  6. says

    Wtf airline are you flying where you get cookies???

    That’s all I really got out of this post. Which is your fault. You should know better than to use the word “cookies” in a post. After that, everything else is blah blah cookies blah.

      • leanne says

        There was an airline that used to — Midwest Express (but they changed their name and I have no idea what it is now). And they would indeed give you warm chocolate chip cookies. It was AWESOME.

  7. leanne says

    Okay, I totally wanted to focus on your post, and I sorta did… because I get the part that flying sucks. Giants all the way! But… my brain is still on the part about you flying to Wisconsin. Wisconsin! I live in Wisconsin — Madison, specifically. And you picked a perfect time to visit… the weather is gorgeous, believe it or not. And not the kind of gorgeous when it finally hits 40 degrees and you start seeing guys walking around in shorts (because they totally do that here). No, the real kind of gorgeous… temps in the low to mid 70s. Not cold. Not hot and humid. Perfect. Your welcome :)

  8. Heidi says

    My guts are literally achy from the giant with the baby carrier… like, every muscle in my body laughed! LOL

  9. says

    This post totally made my day! And please don’t ask me if the plane is pointing down b/c I’m liable to think it actually is and I just haven’t noticed it yet (along with the entire rest of the passengers) and start to panic. I’m that gullible/afraid of falling out of the sky from 30,000 feet.

  10. says

    I’m curious to know how this goes… I am quite skeptical of hypnotists ever since my friend did NOT get hypnotized at Six Flags in front of 100’s of people…

    ps- I love that you always draw yourself (or any other person) as a horse!! :)

    Good luck!

  11. Heather says

    I’m sure this is easy to say from where I’m seated right now…but I’d kind of love to be your random seat buddy. I have no flying fears and your antics sound like they could be awesomely funny and a good story for all of my friends. And seriously, where the hell are these cookies coming from??? Virgin? Quantas? KOREAN AIR???

    • Heather says

      I should ammend this comment to add that I’ve kind of become sort of a surly flyer in recent years. You know, since they started charging for bags, groping, and breathing motherf***ing air. In conclusion, sitting next to you sounds like it would give me more of a return on my dolla bills.

  12. says

    I love the giant idea. But your face nuzzling in his naked chest hair? Not a fan. He’d have to wear a shirt or I wouldn’t ride.

  13. Anna says

    Is the giant modeled after Andre the Giant? If so, AWESOME! And the Speedo makes more sense if viewed as wrestling trunks.

    It must suck to have anxiety about flying. The worst I’ve had to deal with is some claustrophobia on a trans-Atlantic flight. That and getting airsick if I don’t take Dramamine.

  14. victoria says

    A few years ago I went to this like group hypnosis thing because it was supposed to make me stop wanting to eat food all the time and then I’d magically be thin or something… anyways, it sounded really cool when I read about it in the paper. But then I was like, laying on the floor of this conference room with all these strangers and was like sleeping or in hypnosis or whatever and the guy made us say over and over what food we wanted to stop eating and I don’t know what was possessing me at that moment but I remember choosing muffins. For realsies. I mean, can you imagine? All the food in the world to stop eating so I can be thin and I don’t think to say “sweets” or “chocolate” or “carbs” or something genius. Nope. Just muffins. But hey, it worked. And I lost like 3 pounds by not eating one of those huge muffins from the coffee shop every day. Too bad I needed to loose like 80 pounds, but whatev. :)

  15. says

    Love the giant transportation idea, and I love the drawing even more!Lol! I never tried hypnotism, but actually I want to. I’m just so curious how it feels being hypnotized. Anyway, i seriously hope it works for you.

  16. Kat says

    dude, I’m so afraid of flying and no one gets it. everyone gives me statistics and shizz… I firmly believe that an ambulance will get to me faster and have more luck saving me if I crash in a car than in a plane. just sayin’. I want to go to another continent, turns out that requires FLYING over an OCEAN so… :( sucks to be me. or married to me. whatever. anyway, I’ve also always been worried about hypnosis but intrigued at the same time, so please, please, please tell me how it goes. ’cause I’ve got issues that need fixing and i don’t much care to talk them out. anyway I love you, though this is my first time (I think) commenting, so keep being you and my life will be that much more educated/updated/joyful/etc. :)

  17. says

    OMG. I didn’t even THINK about what would happen if I get hypnotized as well! And that’s funny about the Spanx! Shaun calls them my chastity belt! HA!

  18. Katie B says

    Oooh OOh, isn’t it funny, all the Wisconsinite’s are out now. i am in Wisconsin too, over in La Crosse.

    I have seen the hypotism thing at a bachelorette party I went to. My friends soon to be mother in law was the victim, I am pretty sure, i will never look at her the same and I can say the same for my friend. AKWARD.

  19. Laura says

    If you’re coming to Kimberly-Clark in Neenah, I’m just down the road. I used to work there before my current freelance writing gig. Any chance you might do a blogger meet up? We’re a fun bunch in Wisconsin. Good luck on the flight!

  20. Leigh Hynes says

    Hilarious, and I know exactly how you feel because I feel exactly the same. Only I have to fly to Wisconsin from New Zealand! Fear flying completely and utterly. Valium helps slightly but not enough to ward off the effects of remarks by do-gooders trying to make you feel at ease, nor those smart arses determined to make your life more miserable byu telling you the plane may well crash. On my way in August, wish me luck!

  21. says

    Good luck, safe flight, happy travels.

    PS: I can totally relate because I can’t fly either. And I cannot be trusted within my Xanax medicated cocoon or drunk while on a plane.

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