Road Poetry

by Brittany on February 27, 2012

in Travel

In case you missed it, we’re on the road.

Driving from Ohio to Florida, because we just really enjoy doing that with three kids 5 and under.

We’ve decided to escape for a week or so, which sounds way more romantic and mysterious than… Andy was going to lose his vacation days, my house is messy, I would like to not be there for a while, hotel smells are fun!

I have been documenting our trip on Instagram, and have shared some of the fun on twitter and Facebook, so follow me to keep up and see if this ends in rehab.

I’ll also be updating here, because Andy loves nothing more than when he climbs into bed to try and have intercourse with me and I yell, STOP TOUCHING ME WITH YOUR BREATH I’M TYPING STUFF, while on vacation. (I call it foreplay.)

Today, I’m going to share with you some photos from the road, as well as some poetry I felt inspired to write. What can I say, I guess listening to all that Bob Dylan has finally rubbed off on me.

road  1

Eighteen Wheels of Ambiguity
Sometimes they are mean and don’t let me over when I realize I have no
idea what I’m doing and I’m going to miss the exit with the Cracker Barrel.
Sometimes they are nice and honk to tell me cops are ahead and then
mouth SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS when I pass.

Everyone is Sleeping
I’m driving in a bath of soft sleepy breathes and highways.
Sometimes I want to make wishes on the highway lamps like stars.
Other times I want to slam on the brakes and scream really loud so
everyone wakes up thinking we’re about to die in a fiery car wreck.
Until then, beef jerky.

You have a couch and a refrigerator in the bed of your pick up truck.
Will dress your new home with it?
Did it belong to your mother’s mother?
Are you confuse about what RVs are?
Is there a dead body in the fridge?
Endless possibilities in the bed of your red truck.

Boiled Peanuts
Boiled peanuts, what are you?
Boiled peanuts, you look adorable?
Boiled peanuts, OMG why are you liars, you taste like vomit.

In Queue at McDonald’s on a Chilly Winter Day in February After Finding Out They Are Out of Sweet n’ Sour Sauce and Ice
I don’t like old people very much.

Hotel Room Andy
It’s fun you use the top cover of the $59 hotel room.
It makes my heart smile when you say simple things like, “I think they use starch on the sheets, that’s fancy.”
It’s not starch. It’s semen and dead person liquids.
Sleep tight, little man.
Sleep tight.


{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

jill February 27, 2012 at 8:41 am

I think my favorite poem is “boiled peanuts” closely seconded by “hotel room andy”



Ron Morse February 27, 2012 at 9:32 am

I love “Everyone Is Sleeping” – always wanted to do that on a trip, but my wife would kill me! Enjoy!


Annie Y February 27, 2012 at 9:32 am

Hotel Room Andy is my favorite by far.
You should be that awesomeness on a t-shirt.


Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 27, 2012 at 9:37 am

Never ever never touch the comforter of hotel room beds. Unless they’re fancy duvet covers, they don’t get washed. I worked at a 4-star Disney hotel and they only washed their comforters once a week.



Rachel February 27, 2012 at 11:38 am

From here on out, I travel with my own bedding…


Linda February 28, 2012 at 10:57 am

I worked in the resort hospitality industry for way to long, and know for a fact that the comforters in those condos were washed once a year (in the spring or fall) and their blankets maybe twice a year; unless they were stained with blood. I know, super gross.

Also, always wash the glasses in the room before using them, because sometimes housekeepers will clean them with windex to make them shiny. Yum!
Now you know why I left…


Julia February 27, 2012 at 9:41 am

Since you probably don’t want to have a traumatic maxi pad experience like your last stop in GA at a rest stop in Pinehurst, go the few extra miles to Cordele (where the rocket is on I-75) they have a Cracker Barrell, is the Watermelon Capital of the World, AND my parents live there, they would totally let you use their bathroom. Especially when I tell them that I know you from the internet! That’s legit right?


Amy February 27, 2012 at 9:44 am

Where in Florida??? If you’re headed towards S. FL, check out Butterfly World in Coconut Creek… its a butterfly garden on steroids.


Kathy February 27, 2012 at 11:10 am

Hotel Room Andy rocks, hard!


Jennifer February 27, 2012 at 11:27 am

Actually it is a whole ton of bleach to kill the semen and dead person liquids, but then no fabric softner.


Erin @ Miss Lifesaver February 27, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I should pin this page so I can reference it during my poetry unit! :)


Cindy G February 27, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Love, love, love Hotel Room Andy.

Have you ever seen 4 Rooms? If not, you must. My husband and I stayed in a motel during our road trip. After 13 hours in the car we got to our room and he jumped on the bed. The middle sunk down, the sheet pulled up on the sides and there were these nasty ass murder looking stains on the mattress. Since then, we are always joking about the dead whore in the bed. We changed rooms.


Beckey February 27, 2012 at 3:18 pm

What is a boiled peanut? And a cracker barrel? SO many things I don’t know about. I arr soo dum


Kathy February 27, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Boiled Peanuts are mostly sounthern, they are not like traditional roasted peanuts as they are not cooked before. These are the ” raw” nut ( resembeling a pea) and are boiled with salt or cajun spices.

Craker Barrel Old Country Store and Restaraunt is a homestyle ” country” resataraunt and general store where you can buy countrystyle wares.. usually found off of the interstate! Its very yummie and homey!


Mandy February 27, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I like how so many of your poems have that “Ah-ha” moment at the end, like in haiku. You should totally be a poetry professor.


Dorothy February 27, 2012 at 5:26 pm

HELL YEAH about the boiled peanuts. They taste as I imagine an asshole would taste….


LibraryGirl62 February 27, 2012 at 7:46 pm

I LOVE “Everyone is Sleeping” . I thought I was the only one :)


Fiona February 27, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I think the Hotel Room Andy one is my favorite. The Boiled Peanuts poem is a close second. Will update once I try boiled peanuts.


Denise2Teach February 27, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Ummm boiled peanuts are one of the 3 major food groups in the south. The other 2 are Coca Cola and anything battered and fried. Love me some salty smooshy nuts.


Loukia February 27, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Boiled peanuts is my favorite. Also, you’re a brave, brave woman, to take this road trip. Godspeed.


MaryLauren@My3LittleBirds February 27, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Had to come visit after Amber sang your praises : ) And I had to comment when I saw the words “boiled peanuts.” They were the peanuts of my youth.
Have a great time in FL.


Jen February 27, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Why do you eat at Cracker Barrel? That’s just gross Brittany.


Brittany February 27, 2012 at 10:01 pm



Jen February 27, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Kids also eat their own boogers…I don’t think this qualifies them to choose dining locations.


Brittany February 27, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Imma have Wyatt call you so you can tell him that in person.

LouisianaMeredith February 27, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Boiled Peanuts is EPIC!!

Hotel Room Andy is CLASSIC?

Why don’t you have book deal already, for fuck’s sake????


Amy February 27, 2012 at 10:11 pm

I agree…boiled peanuts = disgusting vomit.

Good luck on your trip!

PS. I love you.

PPS. I wish I had your life.

PPS…oh wait. I think I do.


meleah rebeccah February 27, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Boiled Peanuts = HILARIOUS.


And – good luck with the rest of your travels!


Kristen February 28, 2012 at 3:12 am

New favorite.

Mostly because it made me laugh so hard, my Andy kept going, “WHAT is so funny?!” And then I tried to tell him, but I couldn’t, because I was laughing too hard.



Jen February 28, 2012 at 1:25 pm

All I’m going to ask is, “where’s the dog?” driving cross country with a Great Dane puppy and children sounds delightful. Well, maybe, it sounds like a recipe for rehab.


Jennifer C. February 29, 2012 at 1:11 am

Destination Orlando I assume? We’re about 3 hours? southwest of there on the gulf side. No Mickey Mouse but we do have beaches you can walk along and collect shark teeth. It’s about my favorite thing to do here. Hope you enjoy your trip!


Liz February 29, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I spend way too much god damned time on the road and in hotel rooms. You make me fucking laugh.


Nikki March 1, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Laughing so hard. Hotel Room Andy is by far my favorite but I can’t help but love In Queue at McDonald’s on a Chilly Winter Day in February After Finding Out They Are Out of Sweet n’ Sour Sauce and Ice, for I share your sentiment.


Alysia March 20, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Hotel Room Andy is Great.

And I am from the SOUTH and please, let me just say….
Boiled peanuts are nasty. The smell even makes me vomit. So please, please, please do not judge the rest of us that live here by Boiled peanuts.

That is all. Thanks. N good night.


Marise March 21, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Brittany, you are my new favorite poet!

Sorry Robert Frost.
You just got beat.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE BOILED PEANUTS (the poem, not the real thing, those r like sewage and puke put in a blender and mixed together) and Hotel Room Andy was hilarious.
The whole breathe on me thing? I STRAINED SO HARD not to laugh. SO HARD.
Didn’t work.


Lexi March 25, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Hotel Room Andy… Bahahahah!


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