I invent things.

Andy cannot stand my face these days.

I honestly can’t blame him, I’ve been positively miserable to live with.

I’ve been all yell-y and angst-y and irritable.

I’m not really sleeping, I feel like one eyebrow is more arched than the other, and I have this weird mole on my arm that I can’t get into the doctor about, and I’m pretty sure it’s cancer.

I don’t know what level of concerned to be about stuff, so I am choosing to be all the levels of concerned, all at once.  It’s a Code Velociraptor.

Which, as you can tell, is a super bad situation to be in.

Usually, in times such as these, the only solution is to either voluntarily go into a medically induced coma, or start my period.

But my period has been so insane lately, probably because the Moon follows Al Gore on twitter, and they are both inconveniently pissed right now, that I have no actual idea, aside from the sudden desire to eat an entire bag of Funyuns, when it’s coming.

So tonight I was chatting with my producer Matt, and he has a young daughter. Now, as I am sure you can imagine, like most men, Matt can’t wait for his daughter to start her period so he can avoid eye contact with her at the dinner table after lecturing her about how flushing tampons down the toilet destroys septic systems and you don’t want a guy in rubber suit fishing bloody sticks of cotton out of a giant underground pool of human waste.

No? That was just my dad?

Anyways, like most conversations I ruin with my awkwardness, I told him about how I hit puberty at 8, and how I thought I started my period once but it was dog period, and then how I had to change in the stall during gym, because I was the only one in 3rd grade with boobies.

He was obviously horrified, so I suggested that maybe he purchase a bear for his house, so that when it charged at his daughter, he would know she was going to get her first period.

While this makes perfect sense to all of us, Matt felt that was too bloody (pardon my pun) of a solution. (read: Matt is afraid of bears.)

So if bears are out, the next obvious route is a shark, but how?

The Mestruation Tank

I call it the Menstruation Tank™, and how it works is, if the lady in your life is being crabby and hard to read, make her get in the tank, and if the sharks circle her ovaries, you know it’s just PMS and she’s about to start perioding soon.  If they don’t detect blood, then you’re probably just an asshole and didn’t notice her cute haircut or forgot it was your wedding anniversary.

This also works if your period is late and you think maybe you might be pregnant. This would have been so super helpful in high school.

Do not use the Menstruation Tank™ if you are allergic to sharks, you are a hemophiliac, or you are part seal. This is all common sense.

Due to the outrageous cost of sharks, I’m going to put the Menstruation Tank™ on Kickstarter. Fingers crossed you’ll be standing like chum in a tank full of period-detecting cold blooded carnivores in no time!

 

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  1. says

    For traveling purposes (i.e. space and also all those pesky airline rules about liquids on planes) you should probably invent a smaller version, on the side. Inflatable tub + piranahs. Smaller & more compact. Think about it.

  2. says

    I’m with Daisy. I always seem to get that bitchy period while traveling. Like last week, in the middle of Magic Kingdom. Yeah, love those theme park bathroom tampons. Perhaps I could have a travelinng piranah and stick it is the Nickolodeon hotel pool and then I would have known. And it could have taken a bite out of some of those totally misbehaved kids. Or at least scared them into being good.

    Brilliant invention.

  3. megputo says

    Good God woman. Forwarding this post to husband. (it’s been a rough few days) And thank goodness Daisy is all over the travel size version. You ladies are GENIUSES! Or GENII! (or whatever the fuck the plural of genius is these days)

  4. Kristin says

    So I had to go back and read the “dog period” post and I’m pretty sure that, “Because waking up to find a little girl standing next to your bed covered in spoiled ranch dressing and dog period is something you never want to experience twice…” may be the best line ever written. Ever. Followed closely by “Have you ever thrown up so violently that your tampon shot out of your body like some kind of Nerf dart gun?” Oh sweet baby Jesus woman, you blow my mind daily with your hilarity! I am completely smitten with you – yup, head over heels in girl-love :) (In a totally non-creepy way) BTW, I love Code Panda – there is never a bad time for pie….

  5. says

    My husband does this thing where he senses my period is coming and starts SINGING everything he’s saying. It’s so annoying. But it lets me know I’m getting my period, so that’s nice.

    • Brittany W says

      Ha, thats so weird. My hubby just always always wants some. Like, can’t keep his hands off of me, and I have to hide in the bathroom. He’s like a freakin horny little dog or something and I have to beat him away with a stick, bc I am just so bitchy and I swear to god if you grab my ass one more time, I will rip your hands off and beat you with them….he loves me lol.

      • Hollie says

        My hubby is the same way ^^. Until he finds out that I’m perioding….then he hides. I just need a menstrual hut. Some Native Americans used to use them because they thought women’s spirits were stronger than men’s when she was bleeding. I want a 4-7 day vacation every month! Maybe I can get my hubby to build me a shed out back……

      • says

        My husband gets all horny when I have my period too. Also, any other inappropriate situations. “You’re sad and depressed and can’t stop crying? That’s hot! How about a blow job!” “You were up all night with two puking kids? Sexy! Let’s go ‘take a nap!’” UGH!
        Anycrap, I love how you also added the horse in there!

        • Johanna says

          My neighbor’s husband tells her when she is getting her period and he is always right. It’s creepy.

  6. Hollie says

    My husband is more attuned to my period than I am, also. I think it’s just weird. And I really need the travel size. Oh, wait…. I don’t need it because all I have to do is get ready for a trip and I start my period! Yes, that is right. Mine had never been “normal.” Sometimes its 4 weeks, sometimes its 5 weeks, just whenever. And it is never the same length of bleeding. That 7 day cruise that we took, i started on the plane and bled (heavily) for the whole 7 days! Camping, period. Honeymoon in Hawaii, period (even though I had one two weeks before!). that long 8 hour drive to visit my mother-in-law, the heaviest day of my period. Maybe if I just sit at home, and never go more than 5 miles away I wont ever have a period again?? Maybe its worth a try…….

  7. says

    You are like the modern day Ben Franklin. He was the one that invented kite flying, right? Or was it lightening? I can never remember but I’m sure in like 100 years people will still be talking about Brittany Gibbon’s menstruation tank.

    Also, I like that your horseface girl has crimped hair.

  8. Rachel says

    Oh how I have missed your blog!! Stupid emergency oophorectomy-causing cyst!! It did feel good to laugh again!!!

  9. says

    I love it – sometimes, I don’t know if I’m being bitchy because of PMS or because something really pissed me off. This works for both sides of the relationship!

  10. Michelle says

    I’ll sound like a commercial but there is an OTC medicine for PMS that has thus far prevented anyone from dying by my hand while I’m PMSing. Its called premysyn PMS, pink and white bottle. Helps with cramps, bloating and Irritability. The others , like midol, are just for cramps and bloating. Some days I take premysyn when I just wake up bitchy or sobby and I’m not PMSing.

  11. Marissa says

    My husband writes down when I have my period and then will always announce when I’m close to my period. It’s like he panics and then gets all hot and bothered and drops one liners about how we should be in the bedroom.

  12. says

    I like how you trade marked the Menstruation Tank. This is too funny. Men have no idea how to handle the monthly little red friend (I really need to stop calling it that.) Just wrote a post about going in for a procedure and why men as gynecologists don’t quite get how it feels down there.

  13. Laura says

    That reminds me of the time a few years ago when we were on vacation in Florida. I happened to be breast feeding a six month old baby and also had a CSI-style period. My husband surprised our family with an afternoon “boat cruise” that turned out to be a 3 hour snorkeling trip. Yes, we were in the middle of the ocean, anchored off a coral reef, and I was leaking shark bait fluid all over the place. I was homicidal. Have you ever tried to nurse a baby on a fishing boat while wearing a swimming suit? He couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go near the water. I was a human chum bucket. I’m surprised sharks weren’t actually jumping in the boat to get to me. Of course, karma being the bitch that she is, he spent the entire time spewing chunks into a bowl due to severe sea sickness. Of course, browsing through our family scrapbook of reprogrammed memories, you’d think we had the time of our lives.

  14. Amelia says

    A) I, too, have a phone app to avoid surprises. My Days, for Android. After the Birds, most useful app ever.

    2) I frequently point out that I *do not* get PMS. I am just less willing to put up with people’s shit for 4 days a month. My lack of tolerance does not excuse your asshat-ness, right?

  15. says

    I used to be able to know when to buy the necessary bales of cotton. But the friggin’ Change has seemingly started, so now it’s anyone’s guess what day the bloodbath will start and how long before I need a transfusion. While your detection methods are patent-worthy, I am afraid my skin would shrivel like a prune’s from all the time I’d need to spend in the tank.

  16. says

    Jeez, where to begin?
    1. First time here. Definitely won’t be my last.
    2. My 8 year old has boobies too. It scares me.
    3. I’m not supposed to flush my cotton ponies into the septic tank? I figure I’m giving the ex-cons some job security with the increased tank-pumping.
    4. My husband would definitely buy one of your shark tanks…he needs it. My periods are clock tower shooting spree worthy.
    5. But the other 23 days of the month? Let’s have pie!

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