Andy cannot stand my face these days.
I honestly can’t blame him, I’ve been positively miserable to live with.
I’ve been all yell-y and angst-y and irritable.
I’m not really sleeping, I feel like one eyebrow is more arched than the other, and I have this weird mole on my arm that I can’t get into the doctor about, and I’m pretty sure it’s cancer.
I don’t know what level of concerned to be about stuff, so I am choosing to be all the levels of concerned, all at once. It’s a Code Velociraptor.
Which, as you can tell, is a super bad situation to be in.
Usually, in times such as these, the only solution is to either voluntarily go into a medically induced coma, or start my period.
But my period has been so insane lately, probably because the Moon follows Al Gore on twitter, and they are both inconveniently pissed right now, that I have no actual idea, aside from the sudden desire to eat an entire bag of Funyuns, when it’s coming.
So tonight I was chatting with my producer Matt, and he has a young daughter. Now, as I am sure you can imagine, like most men, Matt can’t wait for his daughter to start her period so he can avoid eye contact with her at the dinner table after lecturing her about how flushing tampons down the toilet destroys septic systems and you don’t want a guy in rubber suit fishing bloody sticks of cotton out of a giant underground pool of human waste.
No? That was just my dad?
Anyways, like most conversations I ruin with my awkwardness, I told him about how I hit puberty at 8, and how I thought I started my period once but it was dog period, and then how I had to change in the stall during gym, because I was the only one in 3rd grade with boobies.
He was obviously horrified, so I suggested that maybe he purchase a bear for his house, so that when it charged at his daughter, he would know she was going to get her first period.
While this makes perfect sense to all of us, Matt felt that was too bloody (pardon my pun) of a solution. (read: Matt is afraid of bears.)
So if bears are out, the next obvious route is a shark, but how?
I call it the Menstruation Tank™, and how it works is, if the lady in your life is being crabby and hard to read, make her get in the tank, and if the sharks circle her ovaries, you know it’s just PMS and she’s about to start perioding soon. If they don’t detect blood, then you’re probably just an asshole and didn’t notice her cute haircut or forgot it was your wedding anniversary.
This also works if your period is late and you think maybe you might be pregnant. This would have been so super helpful in high school.
Do not use the Menstruation Tank™ if you are allergic to sharks, you are a hemophiliac, or you are part seal. This is all common sense.
Due to the outrageous cost of sharks, I’m going to put the Menstruation Tank™ on Kickstarter. Fingers crossed you’ll be standing like chum in a tank full of period-detecting cold blooded carnivores in no time!