Merry Christmas to…well mostly Andy.

This year for Christmas, Andy and I decided that we would forgo getting each other traditional presents, and instead buy some new furniture and a new TV.

The furniture being my gift, although I apparently have to let everyone use it.

The television, even though we have a perfectly fine 46 inch flat screen hanging on our wall right, being Andy’s. I’ve learned to stop questioning his need for electronics.  It must be similar to the way I need steamed pot stickers or Tyra Banks shows.

So, Christmas morning, we watched our children tear into gift after gift, as we sat empty handed (you know, except for joy, or whatever I’m supposed to say here), until I stealthily pulled a box from behind the couch. A gift for Andy.  From the kids.

You see, I’m a way more thoughtful person than Andy is, especially on important days like the birth of Christ.

Of course, Andy has to be a giant douche and surprise me with a new laptop, from the kids.

I got him headphones.

Moving on.

We all know I spent last week drunk ordering furniture, which came a few days ago and…ugh.

Apparently what happened was, Andy ended up selecting and ordering the set, because I got distracted by a giant white statue of the back half of a male horse.

Andy, I want this for my office.


But, it speaks to me.  I feel inspired by it.

I’m not spending $300 for you to explain a giant white horse penis to our children.

Why is it always about race with you?

While I was busy mourning the loss of my statue, Andy ordered a sofa and chair. A gigantic black fake leather sofa and chair. I’m sure you’ve seen it before in, like, every guy movie ever made. You know, there’s this bachelor with some sleek apartment, probably with a Foosball table, a bar, a drawer of condoms and roofies, coasters with naked women on them, mirrors above the bed…and shiny black leather couches.

I call them Chris Angel couches, because I imagine they are made from his skin, and shined up with that stuff he puts in his hair.  Plus they smell like Axe body spray and magic.

So now, in my very brown living room, I have black furniture that is so large, my feet don’t even touch the ground, and we had to remove the door framing just to get it in.

I imagine if they had at least been David Blaine couches, they would have just appeared in my living room, like, submerged in a giant fish tank all, did I just dazzle you with my illusion? And I’d be like, I’m sorry, I was watching a rerun of Ghost Whisperer why are all these cameras in my house?

What, you don’t like them?

I didn’t even say anything.

But, I can tell, you have that I just stepped in dog shit face right now.

What, you think because you bought un-returnable floor model fake leather black couches from the Yao Ming collection, that I’m mad? This is just my normal face, Andy.

You can’t even tell they’re fake.

I had pants made out of this in 1997. I wore them to a Spice Girls concert.

Ohhhh, like Dirty Spice?

Is this you coming on to me right now, because Dirty Spice doesn’t even sound sexy, it sounds like you’re telling me I smell like a homeless person.

It was tense Christmas.

Facebook Comments



  1. says

    I’m so sorry about the furniture… (It’s as awful as you say/think it is!)

    That being said, a laptop from the “kids”… Squee!

    Happy New Year!

  2. Melissa says

    I hope you can return it. I am stuck with an ugly off white pleather sectional that is not only ugly but super uncomfortable requiring every one in my family to fight/cram onto the only other comfortable couch in the house. I feel your pain girl.

  3. says

    So basically he got you drunk so that he could buy the couch HE wanted and not really to relax you and make it easier to shop like he said.

    I’m trying to think of something that can follow “it’s not that bad,” but I’m at a loss right now. I’ll get back to you.

  4. says

    Okay, I’m going to fix this for you. Is Andy reading this? Go away Andy!

    Alright. Here’s what you do. While Andy’s at work, you suddenly remember that all important errand you forgot to run. Grab the kids, hightail it out the door, and, this is the important part, *accidentally* leave Poppy in the room with the new furniture.

    Now I don’t know what stage she’s at on the Destructive Puppy Chart. I’d say to take out just the furniture, you need her at a Level Orange. Yellow might not do it, and red … well, you want to have a house to come home to. In fact, to hedge your bets, you could also *accidentally* drop some bacon between the cushions on the couch.

    Trust me on this. Winston once ate a $1400 sofa/chair combo.

  5. Dawn says

    Well…at least they repel vomit, right? If only because they are so horrid that even the kids wouldn’t sit on them.

  6. Nellie says

    This is pretty much what my husband did when we were newly married – reeled me into (or suckered me in with a distraction of some sort, I’m sure!) purchasing black pleather couch and recliner with 2 massaging seats built into the couch and reclines. We still have them, 7 years later and I still detest them. If and when I come into money – maybe David Blane will magically appear with it for me? I will be purchasing the living room furniture and will not fall prey to the pleather or any of my husband’s request/suggestions….the couches will be my domain even if they end up looking like shit, at least they’ll be a step up from what we have now! 😛

  7. Cas says

    Seriously think Andy owes you something in return…. like that giant statue…to make up for the mindfreak couch….

  8. Andrea says

    Ugghh. Well, Your couch is almost as bad as the year that my mom thought it was a good idea to get my Cabbage Patch Kids underwear for my birthday. I was 12 and thought I was too old for such things. Then, she had me open said gift in front of all of my “cool” friends at a sleepover. WHAT THE HELL, MOM?! I still remember this day with tons of shame.
    At least you got a laptop. You need to get the statue, and then place it where he has to look at it every day. Repeatedly.

  9. liza says

    my kids are grown up.. last summer got off-white furniture and OH. .MY.. GOD: AWESOME (sorry but you have wait it out a few years for off-white) also, I had a friend in high school whose mom kept a ‘statue of david’ on the coffee table….very educational.

  10. Robbie says

    Steve and I decided to gift one another in the same manner. The deal was made to get a new TV and he would get rid of his 1990’s CD twin-towers and maybe, the place would start to look like his fiance lived there too. Instead, he decided on his own accord, that this new shiny TV needed 3′ tall speakers to accompany it. Yes, there were actual tears when UPS dropped off this lovely package from Crutchfiled. Honestly, the decorating has been the biggest hurdle in our cohabiting.

  11. says

    I lived this pain last year. When I stupidly allowed my husband to pick out furniture for our teeny tiny living room if he promised he’d stop asking for a blow job every two seconds.

    What did I get for my efforts?

    A giant oversized incredibly hideous brown leather sectional the colour of Godzilla poop/baby shit which doesn’t even remotely fit in my tiny arse living room and a husband who only asks for blow jobs every THREE seconds now.

    So awesome.

    Welcome to the shitty ass furniture club courtesy of the VIP passes our husband’s gave us.

  12. says

    Okay, ima help you out here. Is Andy around? Go away Andy!

    Alright. Here’s what you do. While Andy’s at work, you suddenly remember the oh so important errand that you forgot to run. Grab the kids, hightail it out the door & (this is the important part) *accidentally* leave Poppy in the room with the furniture.

    Now it’s important for this plan that she be at the right level of puppy destructiveness. Code orange is good. Yellow probably isn’t enough to take care of the furniture. Code red … well, you do want to have a house to come home to. And you can always hedge your bets by burying bacon between the cushions.

    You would be amazed how much damage a puppy can wreak on your furniture. Winston ate my $1400 sofa & chair.

    You’re welcome.

  13. hdj says

    Don’t worry – this will be ruined in a couple of years, if not sooner. Just make sure your kids actually go to the couch to vomit. And I’m pretty sure dogs are more into chewing pleather than real leather.
    I always have issues with purchasing furniture – it’s a lot of money and what if it’s not just right? We just moved and I’m going through this right now – trying to find the balance between how much and what I like. Thank God my husband has no interesting in being involved in any of these decisions. Of coures that makes it like 18734 times harder to actually make a decision.
    And, Andy – seriously? You realize that once you’re married, having an opinion about or picking out furniture is gay, right? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Your man card needs to be revoked for this. When you lose your man card, you also lose man privleges – like sex. Until you buy your wife the back end of a horse so that YOU can explain the horse penis to them.

  14. Vicki Jane says

    Thanks Brittney, am feeling a WHOLE lot better about the tapdancing stuffed duck that sings Singing in the Rain…

  15. Gaylin says

    I dated a guy who had pink furniture . . . Yes, he was straight. Pink couch, chair loveseat, his rationale was that it was free, so the colour didn’t matter. It was also uncomfortable and too big for his living room. But that didn’t matter, it was free. At least it matched his lamps in the living room, they too were pink and free.

  16. victoria says

    Um… Craigslist? I hear it’s a great way to get rid of things you don’t want. Plus, I think you could sell the furniture, too. And you’ve got a 50/50 chance of not being murdered by the people who contact you. I’m not sure if this counts as a win?

  17. Jen says

    Think of it this way… there is no reason why the you, Andy or the kids have to ever be careful with anything. Paint, markers, vomit, etc. You might want them to live on it during the next bout of flu. Just saying.

  18. Jen says

    Oy vey. Pleather is never good. It’s sweaty. On the bright side, I bet you can wipe it down with some clorox wipes and it will retain it’s Chris Angel-like sheen.

  19. Lesley says

    Bummer on the furniture. What is it with men and obscenely overstuffed furniture? Maybe Poppy’s nails will pop it? Maybe a bunch of throw pillows will help? Whatever you do, tie a rope on Gigi’s ankle so you can pull her out if she gets stuck.

  20. says

    I had those pleather pants! They were from Express and they ripped at a New Year’s Eve party. I had to wear my boyfriend’s shirt wrapped around my waist the entire night. Then I returned them the next day. They were obviously defective!


    • Hollie says

      I was waiting for someone to throw out the Nagel comment. If it hadn’t happened by the end of the comments, I was gonna make it. This just goes to show that the 80s were not our fault….It was all the men’s fault!!!!!

  21. Lisa D says

    But just think- you can clean it with windex.

    On second thought, I third the bacon in the couch+the dog idea.

  22. Lisa says

    That must be one gigantic chair because I imagine you tall. You seem tall. (Of course, I think Sarah Jessica Parker looks tall, well at least her face does, and then you see her in full screen with a regular sized person and she’s barely over the height limit for midget)

  23. says

    I need to learn not to read your posts at work. I look really dumb trying to stifle so much laughter in front of cardiologists with God complexes.

    Also, in that picture, you look younger than me. And I wasn’t even legal drinking age until 7 months ago.
    …that came out as almost not a compliment, but I swear, it totally was.

    Good luck with your new 1997-pants-furniture!!

  24. says

    Ok, I’m going to confess something that my husband wishes I would say to ANYONE. We have a small furniture store, and people always say “Your home must just be beautiful!” What they don’t know is that I only get the furniture that NO ONE wants, or if I am lucky enough to say, get a beautiful bedroom set for our 10th wedding anniversary, he would sell it right out from under my sleeping body. Which he did. I sometime leave the price tags on things just in case he sells it. I FINALLY got a kitchen table after he sold ours 6 months ago, and just the other night he told me he needs to bring back two of the chairs BUT he promises to replace them. Someday.

    I know this doesn’t help you with the fact that your husband bought you furniture that you don’t like, but I wanted you to know that you’re not the only one whose furniture pisses them off sometimes.

    Thanks for the laugh!


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