Patriotic.

by Brittany on September 28, 2011

in Adorably Mental, Musings

This is  a totally true story, though I changed the name of the person involved so I don’t get assassinated or my voter card taken away, if they even do that, I’m not sure, but I think really stupid people vote all the time, so I should probably be fine.  Plus, wouldn’t the REAL punishment NOT being able to vote?  (I said that last part for my dad.  Michele Bachmann scares him.)

No one was ever super sure what my gifts were.

My dad always said he had a hunch.

(It took years for me to realize our dog totally couldn’t detect if I still had my hymen or not.)

School counselors would just stare at me as I sat across from their desks, they didn’t know what to make of me. Their sole purpose in life was to offer direction, but what could they say?

I wanted to be a reclusive author who penned fantastically hilarious memoirs from a non-terrorist cabin in the woods.

And also maybe be famous or a hair stylist.

But they didn’t have a pamphlet for any of those jobs in their office.

Eventually it was decided that I would go off to college, because what I lacked in math and science skills, I made up for in English and beer bong assembly (No seriously, I could open an Etsy shop).

By my fourth year, as evidence by my massive student loan debt and six failed internships, it was clear I had no idea what the fuck I wanted to be when I grew up.

Event Planner intern (I got drunk during a silent auction for blind kids and bought a piano) .

Intern at a Law Firm (it’s basically nothing like Elle Woods says it is).

Intern and summer reporter for an ABC News affiliate (fired for not having a pen for my interview with the driver of the Mc Donald’s Sausage Mobile.  Briefly in the early 2000′s they tried to bring the hotdog back. I don’t like to talk about it).

Radio Station intern, intern at a local newspaper, public relations intern. You get the idea.

While home for winter break, my grandpa, who was, at the time, still just moderately conservative, and not yet Plymouth Rock conservative, offered to put a call into a friend at the statehouse to see if they had a need for an intern.

And they did, but I turned down three Republican internships, and instead decided to work under the Democratic Ohio House Minority Leader.

I bought a bunch of cute outfits, and when I arrived at the Ohio Statehouse, I made the security guard ride with me up to the 42nd floor because I am afraid of elevators.  That guy totally hated me, but it was after September 11th, and nobody was allowed to hyperventilate and ask people to notarize your will in the lobby of government buildings anymore.

At the time, the Ohio Democrats were in the minority, and the entry way to their offices resembled the kind of third world hostel you see in documentaries about people who go on exotic wine tours only to have their organs harvested and sold on the internet.

I spent my entire spring semester in that shit hole, opening mail and answering constituent calls for Representative Forrester. I only actually saw him twice.

He was a tall black man, somewhat heavy set, with a sparse mustache and giant hands. He reminded me of a former athlete, but, you know, not a giant dick.

I had long since developed a distaste for two party politics, and the job was totally boring, but I refused to get fired from another internship so after everyone went home for the day, I sat at his big desk opening mail and watching Sex and the City on his gigantic TV, as I had drank and 3am pizza’ed away all my cable bill money.

It was during a rerun of the series finale when Representative Forrester walked into his office wearing a black tuxedo.

And fuck.

So tell me, Miss Buckenmeyer, did Carrie end up with Big, or not?

I am so sorry, sir. I thought everyone had gone for the day, and it’s so hot in my cubicle, fuck I am so sorry for using your desk. And for saying fuck in Congress.

It’s not a church, Miss Buckenmeyer, you can use curse words here when they are appropriate.

He got closer to me, totally busting through my personal space bubble, I seriously felt pee come out.

Are you going to make me have sex with you now?

Absolutely not.

Is it because I am white?

And then he just stared at me for, like, five minutes.  He didn’t look pissed, but I mean, he also didn’t look like he was about to go all Clinton on me.  Which, side note, statehouses smell like giant old libraries, and it’s a total turn on, so I can totally see  how that whole Monica thing happened.  The beret, however, unexplainable, nobody with a round face can pull off a beret.  Not even Gerard Depardieu, and he’s the national treasure of France.

I like you, Brittany.

Seriously?

I like you. How about tomorrow you come to session with me and then we can have lunch with some of my colleagues.

Um, alright? But, to clarify, you like me as friend right, not like, in a way that involves putting your balls in my mouth?

You’re funny and persistent. You should be a lobbyist, Miss Buckenmeyer.

Nah, I’m probably going to be a hairstylist.

Cat @Breakfast to Bed September 28, 2011 at 9:30 am

My best friend was a page for Ralph Regula near akron/canton. Your guy sounds way less douchy. Also, he totally wanted to put his balls in your mouth.

Lisa September 28, 2011 at 9:51 am

Thanks for making my hellish morning a lot less sucky. Too ‘effing funny!

Rachel September 28, 2011 at 9:53 am

OMG that is freaking hilarious!!! When I was in law school I interviewed for an internship with a federal judge. When I told my dad about the interview he said “You just make sure he understands he’s getting an intern, not some trollop.” You have to know my dad to understand how completely hysterical it was. I didn’t even know the word trollop was in his vocabulary.

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Monica ruined it for all of us.

Tawny September 28, 2011 at 10:27 am

You would have rocked a career as a lobbyist. I am glad you grew up to be you though.

AngieM. September 28, 2011 at 11:50 am

yup, he totally wanted to tea bag you….oh well. coulda, shoulda, woulda, right?

Kir September 28, 2011 at 11:57 am

this is why I really really really wish you would do a EMAIL subscription, because I am lazy and forgetful and could never, in a million years, remember to come here every day, BUT today I followed a TWEET and WOWZA, PERFECTION.

you are totally the Shit. :)

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Thank you! Come back more or give me your number and I will send you a text reminder….or crotch pictures from strangers walking in public places.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] September 28, 2011 at 11:57 am

And you saved the dress, yes?

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:56 pm

In a ziploc bag.

Kimberly September 28, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Wow was my internship totally boring and lame!

Stephanie September 28, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I seriously have the most profound girl-crush on you now. We could totally be besties. I can see it! LMAO

Susan September 28, 2011 at 12:40 pm

That’s like the best compliment from a congressman ever! It’s true, you would have been a great lobbyist, but then, there’d be this gaping hole in the internet….

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Unlessss…..I could have gotten on Al gore’s think tank and CREATED the internet.

Perfectly Single September 28, 2011 at 1:25 pm

That is f*cking awesome!! By far the best story I’ve read all day!!! Amazing (and definitely blog-worthy) things seem to always happen to you! I’m totally jealous!!!!

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:54 pm

I just over share:)

jeanette September 28, 2011 at 1:59 pm

You have the best life ever. And I do mean EVER!!! Plus you’re funnier than hell!

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Thanks!

GreenInOC September 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Good thing I work at home because I snorted loud and long about 8 times reading this!!

When is your book coming out?!

WebSavvyMom September 28, 2011 at 4:28 pm

–>That is the funniest thing I’ve read all day.

ShredderFeeder September 28, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Every once in a while politicians turn out to be human.

Every once in a while.

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Yes, non teabagging humans. RARE.

Mama P September 28, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Oh my god, so funny! Made me scare my kids because I started laughing so loud!

Jennifer September 28, 2011 at 8:00 pm

This is about 10 kinds of awesome. I’m so glad you decided to share this story.

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:53 pm

My dad is equally excited.

kelly September 28, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Wait so he reminded you of a former athlete but “WAS NOT a huge dick” or but “DID NOT HAVE a giant dick”? You lost me a little there…

(Damn your site doesn’t let me copy/paste your text- smart girl! People’d be copying this all day long!)

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Was not. I can vouch for nothing else.

Sarah September 28, 2011 at 9:10 pm

This is awesome.

And you would have been an excellent lobbyist.

(plus then we could have been neighbors)

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Is there a beer lobbyist? i would have liked to do that. And then taken my work home for us.

Ed Adams September 29, 2011 at 10:02 am

If he’d been white, you would have had balls in your mouth.

It’s always the white ones.

Well, except Jesse Jackson and Clarence Thomas.

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:44 pm

I find balls of all colors equally yucky. No offense. I am sure yours are lovely.

Mandy Fish September 29, 2011 at 12:24 pm

The beret still leaves me speechless. I think that was the real crime.

Brittany September 29, 2011 at 10:43 pm

And yet no one talks about THAT in the history books.

Sarah October 1, 2011 at 1:43 pm

my intership for a Republican senator in MN was not nearly as glamorous or fun as your’s!

meleah rebeccah October 1, 2011 at 5:30 pm

okay, seriously, I am laughing so much right now, I have tears running down my face.

Rae Ann October 4, 2011 at 9:14 am

I was on vacay last week and had to catch up on all my fav blog posts. I saved yours until last. Like whipped cream on a pie, darlin’. Very good stuff, although I pray that me laugh-out-loud responses do not get my system pulled for content control. I’d have to seriously work out an explanation for a couple of interesting pics re: male grooming.

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