Lost in Translation

I feel like I should ask you to go to Korea with me.

Well, this sounds like it’s about to get heartfelt and romantic, go on.

It’s just that I know you are afraid to fly.

There’s lots of things I don’t like to do but do anyways, Andy.  Like fellatio. The end goal is sometimes worth the hell it takes to get there. I think that’s a quote from the Bible…or Gary Busey.

The end goal of fellatio being…love?

No, you watching House Hunters International with me without complaining.

Do you want to go to Korea with me?

Are you only asking me because now you are thinking about blow jobs?

No, I am asking you because I love you and I feel like if I don’t, you’ll burn all my belongs while I am gone.

I won’t burn all your belongings, I’ll sell them.  That’s just good business sense.

Right, until you realize you are afraid to have garage sales because you don’t want strangers to ask to use our bathroom.

Fine.  Can you make me an eBay account before you leave?

So are you not coming with me then?

I don’t think I could stay drunk for an entire 14 hour flight.  I mean I could try, but I don’t trust that I wouldn’t use the airplane phones and drunk dial all my ex-boyfriends.  Is it possible you could write that off as a business expense?

No.

Then I guess I need to stay behind to watch the kids and pack for Disney.  Just be careful, and no prostitutes, our marriage vows are internationally protected by the U.N. and heavy antibiotics give me a rash.

Noted.

Oh, and stay away from the border.  I am not close enough with Lisa Ling that I could confidently say she would break you out of North Korea for me.

Got it.

It’s probably for the best.  I’d be bored all day while you worked, unless Bill Murray was there making liquor commercials, then I’d leave you.

I take it there’s a clause in our U.N. backed marriage vows?

Do you think I’m prettier than Scarlett Johansson?

I think you’re prettier than everyone.

Sounds like somebody is trying to get some fellatio without spending the next hour spooning and helping me decide which of the three Northern Italian villas I like best.

Boys hate cuddling and real estate.

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  1. brittany says

    Ahh! I can’t believe you passed up an offer to go to Korea. I am j-e-a-l-o-u-s. I would love to go there. I’m on this Korean drama kick and I am completely smitten with the culture.

  2. Bridget says

    You guys are the best…. I could never make the flight either…. I’m nervous just thinking about it!
    And packing for Disney… who wouldn’t wanna do that?! ;)

  3. Doreen says

    Heading to Korea myself in a couple of weeks. Already have House Hunters International DVR’d and wish I was going to Disney. Are we living parallel lives in different universes? Weird. (me, I mean. I’m weird. Just sayin’)

  4. says

    I would TOTALLY find a way to stay drunk for the 14 hour flight, because after making it back and forth to Korea, you might be able to get out of giving fellatio – forever!

    And House Hunters might be one of the best shows ever.

  5. says

    Brittany, you are hilarious. I wish I could meet you in person and attempt to stay drunk for 14-hours. Trading sexual acts for reality shows is a common thing in this household. Thanks for making me laugh so hard I almost pee myself.

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