Lost in Translation

by Brittany on September 9, 2011

in According to Andy, Marriage

I feel like I should ask you to go to Korea with me.

Well, this sounds like it’s about to get heartfelt and romantic, go on.

It’s just that I know you are afraid to fly.

There’s lots of things I don’t like to do but do anyways, Andy.  Like fellatio. The end goal is sometimes worth the hell it takes to get there. I think that’s a quote from the Bible…or Gary Busey.

The end goal of fellatio being…love?

No, you watching House Hunters International with me without complaining.

Do you want to go to Korea with me?

Are you only asking me because now you are thinking about blow jobs?

No, I am asking you because I love you and I feel like if I don’t, you’ll burn all my belongs while I am gone.

I won’t burn all your belongings, I’ll sell them.  That’s just good business sense.

Right, until you realize you are afraid to have garage sales because you don’t want strangers to ask to use our bathroom.

Fine.  Can you make me an eBay account before you leave?

So are you not coming with me then?

I don’t think I could stay drunk for an entire 14 hour flight.  I mean I could try, but I don’t trust that I wouldn’t use the airplane phones and drunk dial all my ex-boyfriends.  Is it possible you could write that off as a business expense?

No.

Then I guess I need to stay behind to watch the kids and pack for Disney.  Just be careful, and no prostitutes, our marriage vows are internationally protected by the U.N. and heavy antibiotics give me a rash.

Noted.

Oh, and stay away from the border.  I am not close enough with Lisa Ling that I could confidently say she would break you out of North Korea for me.

Got it.

It’s probably for the best.  I’d be bored all day while you worked, unless Bill Murray was there making liquor commercials, then I’d leave you.

I take it there’s a clause in our U.N. backed marriage vows?

Do you think I’m prettier than Scarlett Johansson?

I think you’re prettier than everyone.

Sounds like somebody is trying to get some fellatio without spending the next hour spooning and helping me decide which of the three Northern Italian villas I like best.

Boys hate cuddling and real estate.

Elly Lou September 12, 2011 at 10:09 am

Wow. I’m not sure I love House Hunters enough for all that.

Brittany September 12, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Regular House Hunters? No.

But, I do love me some international.

Cat @Breakfast to Bed September 12, 2011 at 10:09 am

If you went to Korea and he pissed you off, you could always do the fellatio thing after eating kimchee.

Brittany September 12, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Ok I am obsessed with kimchee, but I can only eat it if I forget about how it’s made. VOMIT.

Ed Adams September 12, 2011 at 10:32 am

I hear they have excellent fellatio in Korea.

Just sayin’

Peach September 12, 2011 at 10:37 am

i must disagree, i have a flight to India this winter and i certainly plan on being drunk for the duration. it is possible!

Brittany September 12, 2011 at 3:17 pm

The tricky part for me would be passing out and sobering up before we land. I’d need a vodka IV.

Liz September 12, 2011 at 10:40 am

Andy and Brittany: the New Lucy and Desi

<3

Carrie September 12, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I was going to say this! You two are hilarious, I could listen to you banter ALL DAY LONG!!!!!!!!

Brittany September 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm

My hair is turning red. It’s a sign.

We need a show, and also, I am totally down with sleeping in twin beds.

Jennifer September 12, 2011 at 11:23 am

I’m pretty sure he means it when he says you are prettier than anyone. But I’m also pretty sure you know that.

Brittany September 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm

HE BETTER MEAN IT.

ahem.

(or else)

brittany September 12, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Ahh! I can’t believe you passed up an offer to go to Korea. I am j-e-a-l-o-u-s. I would love to go there. I’m on this Korean drama kick and I am completely smitten with the culture.

Brittany September 12, 2011 at 3:08 pm

I honestly don’t think I could make it on that flight A. sober, or B. without someone eventually shooting me.

tanya September 12, 2011 at 3:52 pm

awwww…. how sweet was that?!?! :) I wish I had my own ” Andy”. Super jealous. :)

Mandy Fish September 12, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Maybe you two could film an International House Hunters: Korea?

K September 12, 2011 at 11:09 pm

My boy loves cuddling and real estate.

Maybe he’s gay?

Sarah@Crazy Love Gamble-Style September 13, 2011 at 3:08 am

I love to travel if given the opportunity but I also LOVE getting “time to myself” even if that only means after the kids are asleep. I would still get the vodka IV though, I think it will come in handy anyways.

Bridget September 13, 2011 at 9:46 am

You guys are the best…. I could never make the flight either…. I’m nervous just thinking about it!
And packing for Disney… who wouldn’t wanna do that?! ;)

Doreen September 13, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Heading to Korea myself in a couple of weeks. Already have House Hunters International DVR’d and wish I was going to Disney. Are we living parallel lives in different universes? Weird. (me, I mean. I’m weird. Just sayin’)

meleah rebeccah September 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I would TOTALLY find a way to stay drunk for the 14 hour flight, because after making it back and forth to Korea, you might be able to get out of giving fellatio – forever!

And House Hunters might be one of the best shows ever.

Rebecca September 15, 2011 at 9:46 am

Brittany, you are hilarious. I wish I could meet you in person and attempt to stay drunk for 14-hours. Trading sexual acts for reality shows is a common thing in this household. Thanks for making me laugh so hard I almost pee myself.

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