Cleanliness and Godliness and Drunkeness.

by Brittany on September 7, 2011

in Adorably Mental, may or may not be a medical emergency, Musings

Growing up, there was a girl in my class whose house was full of garbage.  She didn’t have a ton of friends, and my mother, being the bleeding heart that she was, often volunteered me at summer day camp to stay the night at her house.

The first time I slept over, we watched scary movies on the couch in her living room, and when I reached between the cushions to grab the remote, I found a slice of old pizza.

I never peed there because there were fruit flies in the toilet and I was deathly afraid they fly up inside my vagina and lay eggs.

By the time I woke each morning, my bladder was bursting and I was 90% sure there were mouse bites on my leg and something stole my left shoe.

The last time I was ever made to go there, she tried to kiss me on her giant trampoline, so I told her I thought I started my period and called my mom to come get me.

There was just no way I could consider lesbianism under those conditions.  Had the show Hoarders been around in 1990, she would have been on it.

I can trace almost all of my germ fears and obsessive compulsive tendencies back to being in her house.  The rest stemming from growing up in a house full of animals and a father who saved everything.  To date, he still has every bank statement since 1983 and a large box labeled:  VHS Repair Kit.

You know, just in case the only thing to survive the apocalypse is a VCR.  Which actually makes sense, it’s the cockroach of technology.

Thank God I kept all my Police Academy Videos.

I could never be a Hoarder.

I throw everything away, even important things like bills or uncashed checks.

Once a week I go to the kids rooms with a garbage bag to sort through their toy boxes, purging out the Happy Meal toys and items they’ve lost interest in.

I do it in an attempt to keep a somewhat clean house.  Growing up our house was never guest ready, which wasn’t a problem until I started dating and would spend the time I should have used waxing my upper lip and slathering on Electric Youth perfume, vacuuming up after pets and lighting a million candles to counter-act the wet dog smell.

Much like homeland security’s rainbow color death threat chart, I keep a tally in my head of the different levels of clean I try to keep every area of my home, except my closet, which is a disaster depending on if I was able to button my jeans easily that morning or not.  If yes, you can probably see the floor.  If not, there are clothes and blood everywhere, and it smells like marijuana.

Guest Clean:  This means, at any given moment, if you come over to my house unexpected, it will probably be somewhat picked up inside.  None of us will have underwear on and we’ll be watching Project Runway, but there won’t be trash anywhere and you can pee on my toilet without getting larvae in your anus.  If you are friends with me, and I like and trust you, this is how my house looks when you come over.  It’s not that I don’t try as hard because I don’t like you.  It’s because I am lazy and comfortable enough with you that you can see me without pants on, watching reality television and eating Cheetos from the bag on the couch.

Mother-in-Law Clean:  This is only slightly above than Guest Clean, as to not make her think we are trying too hard.  The difference being I have panties on, and we take more care to hide our financial statements, sex toys and voodoo dolls.

Priest Clean:  This is a biggie.  I have only had to do this twice, but it’s at least a day worth of scrubbing and me physically removing the vibrators from the home and driving them to a rented locker at the train station.  It’s not that I think he will snoop through my drawers, but I feel like he’ll walk in and an alarm will go off.

Korean Boss Clean:  For the first time ever, I spent Labor Day weekend getting my home Korean Boss Clean.  Andy was hosting every important person from his company in our home for a BBQ, and those fuckers can drink.  Like, imagine that one time you drank a lot and made out with a homeless guy in front of the YMCA in college because he looked like the cute brother from Hanson, and then triple it.  That’s how much they drink.  I love them, and they are so fun, but I have to get my house clean enough that when they get us shit faced, I can trust that they can accidentally open any drawer or drunkenly stumble into any area of my home, and it will be spotless and free from bugs or kid pee, while at the same time, making it realistic enough to maintain that Andy doesn’t make enough to hire a cleaning lady, so please don’t ever stop giving Andy raises.

The only level I have yet to reach is Dateline’s Chris Hansen Clean.  But, that’s basically just Korean Boss Clean with the added work of wiping my computer hard drive and erasing the naked pictures of me off my cell phone from that one time I tried to sext with Andy, but got distracted and ended up sending him a list of crap I needed him to get from the store on the way home from work.

{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristin September 7, 2011 at 11:00 am

Chris Hansen Clean!! I love it! Your posts are the highlight of my workday.

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Cat @Breakfast to Bed September 7, 2011 at 11:06 am

Christ, I love you. I am a clean obsessive. I always try to keep my house “clean for company” as I call it. My husband on the other hand is totally ok with “Hoarders” or “Clean House.” Not good. I have been doing a “deep cleaning” series on my blog because I am so obsessed. Especially my kitchen. And my bathroom. Oh, and my DVDs.

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 8:45 am

I bought some super nice leather CD cases, and put my DVDs in there. No more boxes, takes up less room. LOVE IT.

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Cat @Breakfast to Bed September 9, 2011 at 9:04 am

That is genius, because you don’t really need the jackets/liners because the DVD’s are printed with them!! Love it.

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 9:56 am

I also have different cases for different things, like a Kids Movies case, A Series Case (that houses multi-disc series like Sopranos and SATC and Arrested Development, etc), and we have a small Holiday one also.

Cat @Breakfast to Bed September 9, 2011 at 10:16 am

that is a beautiful thing.

Tish September 7, 2011 at 11:07 am

You are my Mr. Clean Twin!!! I am cracking up. I don’t know why I’m such an anti-hoarder but I’m the EXACT same way lol. I fear dirt. I loathe it and I am quite proud that you have levels of clean. I shall adopt these levels if you don’t mind.

GENIUS!

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 8:46 am

Feel free, I think we should color code them. Or at least assign each one an animal mascot.

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Tish September 9, 2011 at 11:06 am

Oh my…Could we do both?!

Guest Clean: blue
Mother-in-Law Clean: RED!
Priest Clean: green
Korean Boss Clean: orange (ya glad Kim jong il isn’t coming for dinner!)

The mascots are a bit trickier…

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Lisa September 7, 2011 at 11:07 am

You are one funny girl. I get such a chuckle when reading your posts. I always need to make sure I empty my bladder before reading. 3 kids later my kegel isn’t the stronget…:)

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 8:46 am

Why thank you!

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Tish September 7, 2011 at 11:12 am

PS This should make your heart swoon: http://www.bforbel.com/2011/09/extreme-organizing.html

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Grumble Girl September 7, 2011 at 11:16 am

Those are EXACTLY the standards I use when I clean my house too. And Hoarders makes me feel good about myself. That is all. xox

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 8:51 am

It’s like free therapy I can attend without a bra on.

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Daisy September 7, 2011 at 11:46 am

Wait. You forgot JenBShaw clean. For me it is above Korean Boss Clean but last time she came I was frazzled so I was only at Priest Clean AND IT WAS A SAD SAD DAY.

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 9:57 am

I will never be JenBShaw clean. I’ve given up so when she comes over, I just get her too drunk to notice.

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Jennifer September 7, 2011 at 11:56 am

I’m pretty messy, but my house growing up was the opposite of yours. I was never allowed to have pets and you could eat off the floors at any point during the day… accept maybe when she was actually mopping them because that would be weird. My house isn’t necessarily dirty, but it is super messy. I keep promising myself to do better.

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 9:58 am

We’re just acting out in different ways. OUR PARENTS SCARRED US. We should win free therapy.

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Ed Adams September 7, 2011 at 12:26 pm

I’d settle for “Serious Injury Avoided” clean.

I can’t walk through my house without tripping over or stepping on some toy of the kids and nearly breaking my neck.

Is that too much to ask for? I think not.

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 9:58 am

Cars, Legos, Star Wars weapons.

I’ve almost committed homicide after stepping on those.

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Laura September 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm

omg Legos are the worst! They’re awesome toys but they KILL your poor unsuspecting feet!

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Clare waterfall September 7, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Hilarious! Flies flying up vaginas… and larvae crawling into anus… thanks for that insight!

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Beckey September 7, 2011 at 12:50 pm

“There was just no way I could consider lesbianism under those conditions.”
Hilarious.
I had a friend in high school whose house was FULL of stuffed bears. Teddy bears were everywhere. Her house also smelled like cat urine and Big Macs. Everytime I went over there I was haunted with bear-nightmares and a craving for McDonald’s.

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Justin September 8, 2011 at 11:30 pm

I imagine the scents of cat urine and Big Macs to offset each other, thus making the house smell, I don’t know, normal. That said, the thought of cat urine is causing me to gag to the point a Big Mac can’t cure. I feel for ya.

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 9:59 am

I….don’t even have a proper explanation for what my brain is telling me that smells like. Just picture me laying on the ground here, twitching.

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lisa September 7, 2011 at 1:10 pm

i watch “hoarders” because it makes me feel like freakin’ martha stewart!

but on the other hand, i was able to go out to my hidden hoarding room- the garage- and found a single piece of paper i needed- FROM 11YEARS AGO!

prof you should never clean too deeply!

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:01 am

We have one messy room. I don’t go in there. Unless I need to dig through old pictures to find a skinny one of me in high school before my boobs fell down.

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WebSavvyMom September 7, 2011 at 1:16 pm

–>Our house is always guest-ready because my husband and I pick up after ourselves constantly. However, he’s a PURGER which is 180 degrees from a Hoarder. He purges constantly, at least once a week. I’m convinced if I sat still too long, I’d be in the bag going to the thrift store. As a matter of fact, I have four bags of clothes, one of toys and a high chair in my car right now.

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jess September 7, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Oh my god I had the same friend. Every floor surface in their whole house had sculptures made of petrified dog poop and it always smelled of pee and I think I got fleas from sleeping over once. But they had cable and I didn’t so I maintained the friendship for quite some time. there are sacrifices you make when it comes to MTV and Nickelodeon when you’re 8.

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:02 am

Oh.

My.

FLEAS!?

I can’t even stop dry heaving right now.

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bellawriter September 7, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Whenever my house is super clean, all of a sudden the DH decides we need something new and usually expensive. Like a blue ray system with surround sound speakers. All because I am finally feeling better and cleaned my house. So, it has to stay a *little* bit dirty to save our bank account.

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Erin September 7, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Is this your way of saying that you want to come and clean my house? I’m definitely not a hoarder, but I’ve got way too much stuff and get weird emotional attachment to things and then try to keep them when I should just throw them out. So – uhh..you’re more than welcome to come clean if you want to.

Beer is in the fridge. Dinner’s in an hour.

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:02 am

What kind of beer?

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Cindy September 7, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Love this! Now, where can I get a voodoo doll?

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:03 am

You have to make them or they don’t work right.

Do you have a collection of the person’s hair ready?

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Anna September 7, 2011 at 6:08 pm

I am with you on all of this! I have hoarding grandparents on both sides of the family, so I throw everything away, even things it turns out that I might need at some point. I also like to keep the house Guest Clean, but my husband could walk past a pile of laundry coated in dog hair and not even see it.

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:04 am

Andy is the same way. In fact, last week, I collected the dirty socks he left next to the bed for a week, and then I stuffed them all in his pillow case.

He doesn’t leave them around anymore.

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Book4MyDaughter September 7, 2011 at 6:31 pm

I almost didn’t make it through this post—between the laughter and the shock at the fact that your mother made you sleep over someone’s house who lived like that. Poor you! It’s no wonder you fear clutter! I’m traumatized by the description (which was painted beautifully, by the way), I can only imagine your actual memories of it!

It’s a great post! Thanks!

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:05 am

I have PTSD about it. On the plus side, staying there and not peeing was like the best kegel exercise ever, so I went into sexual activity tight as a whistle.

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Crystal September 7, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Exact opposite of me. I’m not a hoarder per say, but I am a slob. I have a king size bed. One half is where I sleep…the other half has books, my laptop, clothes, empty cigarette packs and empty Mt. Dew bottles at any given time. I have empty tampon boxes lined up on a shelf for absolutely no reason. They mean nothing, I just can’t be bothered to remove them. Clothes EVERYWHERE. In baskets, on the floor, on the bed, on top of the dresser. I’ve always been a slob and always will be…I need a neat freak husband.

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:06 am

Go get some liquor, a box of matches and some take out. I’m coming over.

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NodToStyle September 7, 2011 at 7:40 pm

how is it fair that you just keep getting funnier and funnier?

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Mary Poppins in Heels September 7, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Wow, I completely relate to the MyPantsWon’tZip closet. I keep a pair of jeans I wore in eight grade and a small vile of blood in my closet just so I have an excuse to light one up. You?

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:06 am

Oh yes. When I have a tight pants day, it’s like animal sacrifice up in there.

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Nickie September 7, 2011 at 9:26 pm

I aim to be a purger. But I’m not there yet… I guess that means that I’m on the hoarding spectrum. Chris Hansen clean is right up there with Jesus coming over for dinner clean… I’m with ya!

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:07 am

Yes, except I would like to think that Jesus would be cool with the naked pictures. Wasn’t everyone basically naked in Jesus times, anyways? Or am I confusing that with something else? Like pornography?

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Lindsey September 7, 2011 at 9:42 pm

I have never been in a boarders house but I can imagine. You were a good friend.

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Jessica @FoundtheMarbles September 7, 2011 at 9:42 pm

That was hysterical. I have to ask my husband to read the post and find out which one he thinks I am!

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:08 am

So which one were you?

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Jenny B September 7, 2011 at 9:45 pm

I love this post, there’s so much authenticity in it. My in-laws are hoarders and I often wonder what it was like for their kids. Also, the levels of clean… Funny but true! I do it too!!

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Nacia Walsh September 7, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Wow I haven’t actually chuckled out loud (cuz lets face it no one ACTUALLY lol’s that much while reading something) in a long time. I think you might have had sleepovers at my house as a kid…sorry for trying to kiss you. I too now throw out everything b/c my mother til this day refuses to. Because really how many 2 cent happy meal toys does one kid need?

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:10 am

The Happy Meal toys are INSANE.

And they aren’t the cool ones like from when we were kids. Like the big plush holiday Muppet toys, or the stuffed Berenstain Bears.

Wendy’s is the worst. Audio Books!? Thanks for nothing.

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Chasing Joy September 7, 2011 at 9:49 pm

OMG You are too funny!!! My house is barely guest ready. Definately not new friend’s first visit clean. New follower here from#commenthour

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Sarah September 8, 2011 at 1:04 am

Food Hoarders makes me want to vomit. Remember the lady with the rotten fridge full of food? They should sell that video and label it “Hoarders; The Diet. Think of this lady’s fridge, and you’ll never want to eat again.”

http://www.parentingwithpinot.com

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:11 am

DUDE. To then watch them EAT the liquified/maggot egg filled food? I fast for days!

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Mama Spaghetti September 8, 2011 at 1:42 am

Love the different standards of clean! You are too funny!

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Melissa K September 8, 2011 at 2:25 am

I am like this too. I have unfortunately become too tired from work and applying for MBA programs that my new level of being okay for people to come over is “no dirty underwear on the floor clean”.

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Tinne September 8, 2011 at 7:27 am

What frustrates me is that no matter how many times I clean the house there is always one stray babysock lying about and my mother in law is always the one to find it…

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Laura September 23, 2011 at 1:37 pm

oh that blows!

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Sarah September 8, 2011 at 2:01 pm

OMG this is hillarious. Visiting from comment hour and will definetely be following!
I can totally relate about hiding your special items before the visit from the in-laws! Just yesterday my toddler found a whip in my closet and was playing with it. Mind you, this was part of my Catwoman Halloween Costume!
Also love the story of your failed sexting experience!!
Sarah @ made in usa challenge

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Brittany September 9, 2011 at 10:12 am

A WHIP!? You are probably the coolest person ever!

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meleah rebeccah September 8, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I cringed while reading about your experience in that Hoarder house. YIKES. I could never live like that either. Clutter overwhelms me.

Your various types of cleaning methods are friggen hilarious!

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MillenialMonstr September 9, 2011 at 12:48 pm

What a brilliant post! You tell an excellent story, the visuals were just too funny! So glad to have found your blog though #CommentHour!!!

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Meredith September 11, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Dude. I once had to get my house 20/20 clean. And I thought they were coming once. NO! Those fuckers kept coming back over, and over, and over.

I finally called Molly Maid before I had a nervous breakdown.

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Meredith September 11, 2011 at 8:58 pm

BTW, I come over all the time. Your house seems way clean. Do you not consider us friends?

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Diane @ Ohdiane September 12, 2011 at 11:56 am

Whoa! what a scary experience. Love the different levels of clean. I think we keep our house mostly at Guest level clean. Too lazy to raise it up a notch!

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Sarah@Crazy Love Gamble-Style September 13, 2011 at 3:00 am

I feel like you totally gave me permission to not clean as much when my in laws come to visit, I don’t want them to think I’m trying too hard! Why couldn’t you of told me this BEFORE this last weekend?? My husband made me feel a little better too, he said “they are getting old, they probably can’t see the dirt!” Yay!

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Dawn September 21, 2011 at 7:49 pm

God this made me laugh so hard- I grew up in a really dirty house, and turned out equating “clean” with “love” since my depressed mom didn’t pay any attention to us at all and the kids with CLEAN houses had involved, caring parents. That pretty much means my house is definitely never as clean as I would like it to be. We have three dogs and five kids and two full time jobs so…yeah. Add to that my husband has a hard time throwing anything away (and I do mean anything. three year old junk mail, half an old doorknob, clothing from high school….gah. It’s bad.) and my head just about explodes on a daily basis. I really try not to panic unless it’s at DEFCON four…otherwise I pop a Xanax and just move the dust around til I feel better!

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