I think we balance our friend and parent hats really well.
That’s not to say we aren’t shit at canceling at the last minute due to sitter issues or fevers or projectile vomit or sometimes absolute exhaustion and a lack of clean pants, but when we are present, we’re fucking awesome.
We don’t pull out our phones and show off pictures of our kids, we don’t tell poop stories, we only give updates when asked.
It’s not because we don’t adore our children, because we do, they are the raddest people we know.
It’s just that we don’t get out much, so when we do, we take advantage of the fact that we momentarily don’t have to debate the kids private school options, illnesses, dental appointments, or who touched who first with whatever thing they picked up that supposedly had something super gross on it.
We were never really barflies, and we feel guilty dumping our kids with my mom every weekend.
Most of the time we just have people over to hang out around a bonfire, or occasionally we’ll go out solo while the other stays behind to tend to the herd.
It usually looks something like this…
So, you’re really gonna go out tonight?
Yeah, you said you didn’t care, right?
Totally, no, go have fun with the boys, you hard little worker bee.
Just, like, have your phone loud enough you can hear it ring, in case something happens.
And, maybe call to check in lots, so I know you are safe, and so you know I am not, like, injured and unable to reach a phone.
And then he leaves and an hour later, after the fourteen missed calls he never heard, he gets a voicemail from me all, ANDY GIBBONS FOR EVERY MINUTE YOU COME HOME BEFORE 10 O’CLOCK I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU HOWEVER YOU WANT OMG HURRY I AM LOSING MY MIND.
So, we try to have a lot of couples with kids friends, but they are hard to come by. We have two right now that are like family to us, and a few nights ago, we auditioned another.
It’s a really weird process with so many factors to take into account.
Do we get along with the adults?
Do our kids seem to like each other?
Is anyone over the age of 4 breastfeeding?
Is the mom a lot prettier than me, a little prettier than me, or are we about even?
Do they visibly carry guns?
Does one of the kids look like he/she likes to start fires or harm animals?
Are they going to try and encourage us to join their sports league or cult?
Do they use phrases like “liberal media” and “O’Reilly?”
Everything seemed to be going great. We were at a Don Pablos, which is the perfect place for family blind dates, as it’s loud enough to fill awkward silences, they serve unlimited chips to keep the kids happy, and they have alcohol there.
The family had three children around the same age as ours, and they were getting along well enough, in between the spurts in which they all ignored each other entirely as they played on their iPods.
The parents were around our age, maybe a touch older, and the wife was only a little bit prettier than me according to my internal beauty scale, so aside from the fact that she was wearing a zip up hoodie because she is one of those delicate flowers that can barely tolerate the harsh icey blows of an air conditioner on a day with a 108 degree heat index, we seemed to be moving in the right direction.
By the time the food came, the wife had persuaded our waitress to close the air vent next to our table, and before she dug into her bean burrito, she felt comfortable enough to remove her jacket, which was about the same point in which I started to get armpit sweat stains on my shirt and my hair started to frizz up from the heat.
Andy saw it before I did.
I only know because he does this thing when he is trying to distract me from seeing something he knows I will freak out about, like when someone wore the same dress as me at his military formal, or they sold out of Harry Potter tickets with only two people in front of us in line. He pretends to poke me in the eye by accident.
Jesus, Andy what the hell is wrong with you!?
And, as I covered my watering, burning eye with my hand until it re-acclimated to the light, I saw it. Her shirt.
A picture of Casey Anthony’s giant head with flames around it. Across the top it said, “Guilty as Hell.” And along the bottom, “#JesusIsWaiting.”
On the plus side, she knew what twitter was.
On the other hand, as a rule, Andy almost never let’s me wear shirts with words on them in public, which is why I was sitting in Don Pablos in GAP tank top and flower broach, and not my fitted t-shirt that says CRUNK across the chest .
Is it too soon to wear Cafe Press Casey Anthony t-shirts on blind couples dates, because I feel like it is?
I obviously wasn’t going to say anything, but in my head, I was immediately glad we took swinging off the table from the start, because I am now 90% sure these people have at least one painting of Jesus hanging in their bedroom, and plush versions of the crucifixion on their bed.
We sat and ate our pseudo-mexican food and made small talk about the crazy heat and upcoming shit fest that is Ohio State football, as I mentally kept time in my head, planning our moment of escape.
And then, like an angel from heaven, Wyatt spoke.
Dad, why do you have hair all over your pee pee?
Andy loses consciousness, and while the other dad laughs, his wife is clearly in shock, either because Wyatt had the gall to say this out loud, or because at some point, he’s clearly seen our genitals, I totally can’t tell which. I give her a wink and mouthed, I got this, all reassuring like.
Sweetie, when you get older, you get hair on your pee pee, that’s how God works.
But even his butt has hair.
I know, gross right? But that’s what happens when grow up, you get really hairy, unless you are like mommy or have alopecia.
Ha ha ha, he should shave his toes like you.
Excellent point Wy, we’ll talk about this later at home, ok?
By this time, they seem to be slowly gathering their belongings, holding their credit card and giving almost any waitress who walks by the get my fucking check right now face.
You know what, we got this one.
Are you sure?
Totally, Andy, the kids and I had so much fun, we should really do this again really soon.
Oh, absolutely, we hate to scadaddle on out of here, but the kids have day camp really early and…
No problem, we totally get it, have a great night, I’m sure we’ll chat super soon.
Gigi crawled over next to me and dipped her chips in ketchup before stuffing them in her mouth.
Our kids are so cool.
I know, right?
Do we have to see them again?
Fuck no Andy, they were freaks, I don’t need friends weirder than I am.
Thank God, do you want another margarita?
Yes please, and another basket of chips.
Back to the dating pool we go.