One of the things I remember the most about the first time I shaved my bikini area, besides OMG this is taking forever my arm is dying and seriously if this drain clogs I’m just going to set the house on fire because I’m not explaining this to my dad, was that when I went to the bathroom immediately after, the pee went everywhere. There was nothing stream-like about it.
It was as if suddenly, without any hair, I had no idea how to get pee in the toilet.
But, I figured it out, obviously, because that’s what you do. It’s your job to figure out how to go to the bathroom despite new and extenuating circumstances.
I’ve taught myself to pee in a corn field, in a Diet Coke can, and I’ve even managed to make it through three post labor bowel movements without becoming a cutter or doing my OJ Simpson attack scream.
But, teaching other things to pee is a completely different issue.
In college, Andy came home to find me holding our very first puppy over the tub as it peed because it was cold out, and I just don’t have any sense of follow through.
Potty training the boys was miserable. The only saving grace being the fact that penises, much like hoses and that gun thing you used for Duck Hunt, can be aimed.
But, it seems, somewhere between the boys starting preschool and Gigi deciding that she would instantly remove her diaper after she peed or pooped, I’ve forgotten how to potty train children.
It’s so different with girls. The pee just goes everywhere, and you have to wipe everything every fucking time, and she’ll only sit on the potty if I have at least 10 of her dolls in there, lined up against the wall to watch, and it’s just not going well.
Honestly, I’m concerned she’s a bit of an exhibitionist, and I am 16 years from finding her on some porn site, peeing in a room full of paying Asian businessmen.
I have good intentions, I’ve bought a few different kinds of potty seat options, and I ask her constantly if she has to go potty, but by noon, it’s mostly just us sitting on the bathroom floor eating M&Ms with our pants off.
I’m not great at math, but if I had to put a number on it…
I’d say it’s going about zero percent awesome.
(This is the part of the story where you either help me or buy me a drink.)