Girl Parts.

One of the things I remember the most about the first time I shaved my bikini area, besides OMG this is taking forever my arm is dying and seriously if this drain clogs I’m just going to set the house on fire because I’m not explaining this to my dad, was that when I went to the bathroom immediately after, the pee went everywhere. There was nothing stream-like about it.

It was as if suddenly, without any hair, I had no idea how to get pee in the toilet.

But, I figured it out, obviously, because that’s what you do.  It’s your job to figure out how to go to the bathroom despite new and extenuating circumstances.

I’ve taught myself to pee in a corn field, in a Diet Coke can, and I’ve even managed to make it through three post labor bowel movements without becoming a cutter or doing my OJ Simpson attack scream.

But, teaching other things to pee is a completely different issue.

In college, Andy came home to find me holding our very first puppy over the tub as it peed because it was cold out, and I just don’t have any sense of follow through.

Potty training the boys was miserable.  The only saving grace being the fact that penises, much like hoses and that gun thing you used for Duck Hunt, can be aimed.

But, it seems, somewhere between the boys starting preschool and Gigi deciding that she would instantly remove her diaper after she peed or pooped, I’ve forgotten how to potty train children.

It’s so different with girls.  The pee just goes everywhere, and you have to wipe everything every fucking time, and she’ll only sit on the potty if I have at least 10 of her dolls in there, lined up against the wall to watch, and it’s just not going well.

Honestly, I’m concerned she’s a bit of an exhibitionist, and I am 16 years from finding her on some porn site, peeing in a room full of paying Asian businessmen.

I have good intentions, I’ve bought a few different kinds of potty seat options, and I ask her constantly if she has to go potty, but by noon, it’s mostly just us sitting on the bathroom floor eating M&Ms with our pants off.

I’m not great at math, but if I had to put a number on it…


I’d say it’s going about zero percent awesome.

(This is the part of the story where you either help me or buy me a drink.)


Facebook Comments



  1. kathleen says

    I’m with Sarah, stopped putting diapers on my little one, even let her go without panties around the house, she didn’t like pee running down her leg (or slipping in it) so would run to the potty, sometimes hit sometimes miss, but she got the hang of it quick.

  2. Nicci says

    Better bribes. Candy didn’t work for my daughter but little pet shop creatures did along wot super glittery stickers. Four pee stickers gets a petshop pet one stinky gets a pet. Plus absolutely no pants, no underwear, etc. Sucked for a few days but then she really got into earning te bribes. Although it was always when we eventually had to explain that u don’t get bribes for peeig forever (although THAT would be awesome)

  3. sarah says

    My 2 year old daughter takes her diaper off too, but refuse the potty. Therefore she naps and sleeps in zip up footie pajamas that are on backwards and have the feet cut off. She can’t reach the zipper because they’re on backwards so she can’t get the damned diaper off. I don’t know what I’m going to do when it gets HOT out…probably cut the sleeves so its short sleeved/legged. You might think this is drastic, but one smeared poo incident was enough!

    • Christine says

      OMFG, I was already laughing after the post, but then reading this comment I just lost it. I’m sitting at my desk with a box of tissues and tears just streaming down my face as I laugh uncontrolably!!

    • hdj says

      Me too! Best damn money I ever spent. I had actually picked the weekend where I was going to do the Dr. Phil thing and take her to the bathroom every 20 minutes until she got it. She had one accident because I waited more than 20 minutes and after that, we were good – because of daycare. Her teacher got a massage for that.

  4. halcuri says

    We’ve been potty-training my daughter since she was two (she is FINALLY trained at 3 years, 2 months). My husband and I have patented the let-them-figure-it-out method of parenting. It lets us basically sit back and watch old episodes of Survivor while the baby figures out how to feed himself by hunting for old Cheerios under the couch. We really didn’t have a plan with my daughter. It didn’t bother her to hang out in a dirty diaper. She hated being put on the potty more than twice a day. I kept getting frustrated until our pediatrician said that we had no control, she was going to do it when she was ready. That was awesome. It took all the pressure off. Now, my sweet pea prances around in her big girl underpants and uses the toilet consistently. Just let Gigi do it in her time – and that way, you can spend more time hanging out and eating M & M’s and less fretting about putting her on the potty on a rigid schedule.

  5. Jamie says

    Brittany, here are some of the articles I mentioned in my facebook post. I would appreciate this FOREVER if you would use your voice to help share her story. Thank you for even reading this!

    Alaina on the Today show:

    The ‘Support Alaina’ facebook page:!/pages/Alaina-Giordano-Should-Not-Lose-Her-Kids-Because-She-Has-Breast-Cancer/127024814041233

    Alaina’s fundraising page:

    Time magazine article:

    Local news publication that featured the story:

    Mommy blog that featured the story:

  6. Jamie says

    OOPS, I meant to send that to you in a message. Please dont feel obligated to share, but it would be VERY appreciated if you felt moved enough to share this story!

    Again, this person is my cousin, and I read your Blog every day! (This one mostly, but I look you up on Aiming low and Curvy Girl Guide too)

  7. says

    I’ll buy you a drink. And even though I don’t drink, I think I might have one with you. I have a stubborn FIVE year old who refuses to poop on the potty. And trust me, I’ve tried every trick in the book.

    My pets come already trained – compliments of those poor families who can’t keep their animals. Why can’t children come trained?

  8. says

    We have two of those frog potties in green.

    So, I have twins.
    one was sooo ready when she turned 2.5- that she did it on her own. ANd hasnt looked back. Of course, she sometimes wipes back to front while I scream in horror.

    The other one, well..
    Not 100% ready even at 3.5. She REFUSES to poop in the toilet. Only in a diaper. She will pee 90% of the time in a bathroom (10% on the floor, in her pants, on a slide whatever).. but not poop.
    I figure she will grow out of this.

  9. From Belgium says

    Oh thank God mine isn’t the only one who will for sure end up on a porn site! N°1 just figured out how to remove her pants or skirt, take off her diaper and then run about butt naked. Here, you can have my wine…

  10. Wanda says

    Okay, the reason I’ve been creeping your page for the past 15 minutes is cuz I”m trying to find the post about the moroccan oil and now think I’m going CRAZY, but I KNOWWW I saw it at one point!! lol

  11. says

    Buy you a drink!! my vote. …shoot, we could drink till WE start missin the potty.

    Actually, with you, I’d probably laugh my pants first.

  12. leanne says

    I’ll have to buy you a drink. ‘Cause I don’t know how much help I would be. I’ve got sticker charts up the wazoo for my little girl. And the Dora underwear is there just waiting for her to be trained so that she can put them on. And I’m wondering what sort of incentives/bribes to try next because this whole potty training thing makes mama crazy. I’m so ready to be done. And some days I think of just putting her in underwear and seeing what happens.

    And I keep trying to remain calm and telling myself that we all get potty trained eventually. Um, right?

  13. Erin says

    What worked with my two girls was letting them pick out “big girl” panties, then giving them a big girl panty countdown! 10 days til the big girl panties, 9 days…etc etc..worked amazingly both times!!!

  14. Erin says

    oh and scratch the damn pull-ups…what’s the point of those? If they pee themselves, they STILL don’t get all gross, and as girls I am POSITIVE this is a huge part of training, so it teaches them nada!

  15. katie says

    My daughter is newly out of diapers too. Her favorite new trick is taking her pants off & MAKING the dog lick her butt….so we’ll have a drink together with our porn star daughters

  16. jessica says

    I am no help at all. My almost 3 year old daughter has no interest whatsoever. But seriously, Gigi is wearing the cutest shoes EVER! Where did you get them? Love.

  17. Summer says

    Ok, so this is what I used when my daughter was 2:

    It’s basically an article that summarizes the Potty Training in a Day book that some others have commented about. Hey save yourself the money! lol. It worked for us, maybe not in 3 days exactly, but she was mostly trained within a week. It also has worked for a couple of my friends I’ve recommended it to. She still uses pull-ups at night. We also used M & Ms as rewards, a Pony Ride as the big reward when she finally got the hang of it, and told her she needed to pee pee and poop in the potty because it went out to feed the fishes and they were hungry…. actually that one’s kind of gross but it worked. Good Luck!!

  18. says

    I’ve potty trained a whole lot of others peoples kids… Potty Boot Camp (you can google it) is SO the way to go. Oh, and having someone else do it – kids totally don’t listen to their parents. And when it comes time to get rid of the pacifier? Tell her the pacifier fairy came and took all of her pacis away and left her a toy (and uh, make sure to completely destroy all the pacifiers in your house or you’ll SO give her one anyway the next time she’s screaming and then, really, what was the point of buying her that toy?)

  19. brittany says

    I know a few people have suggested letting kids go without a diaper. It totally worked for me when I was little. My mom let me run around naked for a day, I couldn’t stand the feeling of pee running down my leg or having to stand in it while I waited for my mom to clean me up (I may have even had to help clean up the mess (you know not actually help clean the pee up but stand there and give my mom towels and wait with her until it was cleaned up or something..I think…who knows I was little and may not remember right). Buuut as the story goes, I was pretty much potty trained in a day, give or take. I’d say it’s worth a try.

  20. Michela says

    Get her a flashlight to play with while she sits on the potty chair :) She can shine it all over the room, so that maybe light is all you get all over the place. :/ My kids would go for chocolate though. Never too early to create little chocoholics.

  21. Michela says

    ……oh, I let my oldest go without a diaper. Um, just let me say it didn’t go so well with us…..

  22. says

    I read “Potty Training 1-2-3”, (by people who’s other books I would never read/condone,) but man, it worked. So you don’t have to buy it, here’s the system in a nutshell: Their whole thing is that putting the emphasis on peeing or pooping in the pot gives too much control to the kid/or makes going in the pot a power struggle. They suggest emphasizing keeping undies dry. So you do a big push (go to the store on a special trip for special treats, give them soda and other yummy, enticing beverages so they pee all day, same as the “Potty Train in a Day” kinds of methods) and then 1.Do the whole pee process with a doll first, modeling for the kid: have a dolly get a drink, check her undies- they’re dry?- everybody gets a treat! Yay dolly! Have the dolly feel the urge and pee in the potty, everybody gets a treat. Then… 2. Every 15 mins or so, check the trainee’s undies and if they’re dry, they get a small treat, if they pee/poop, a bigger treat. You can do it! (And as the passed-on wisdom goes, they’re all potty trained by kindergarten (mostly), so don’t sweat it too much.)

  23. says

    I’ll be buying you a drink…
    Eventually, I put my daughter in daycare. It helped. Mostly. She’s 5 1/2 and still won’t poop in the toilet. Good luck, kindergarten teacher. Here are some of the more terrible tips I got from other mothers:
    “You have to be patient.” No, I think I’d rather strangle her.
    “She’ll do it when she’s ready.” That’s like saying “it’s always the last place you look.”
    “My kids potty trained themselves.” Great, I’ll try that one!
    “Did you try a rewards chart?” Duh? How stupid do you think I am.
    “I got you a book.” Great, is it for me to read while while my kid shits her pants?
    So, I don’t have any advice. NOTHING worked for me. I spent days locked in my bedroom crying because I COULD NOT clean-up another puddle or throw-out another pair of underwear. It makes you feel like a terrible mother. But you’re not. You just have a tough kid. I still believe my daughter’s problem was (is) pure manipulation. It’s much easier to have Mommy do everything for you. Wish I knew the answer. Sorry!

  24. says

    I am one who advocates for early potty training like around 18mths or so, I say do it before 2 cause that is when they become little terrors with their own new opinion on everything! and if you can get them before they become stubborn you are ahead of the game:)

    My son was done by 24mths and my daughter by 20 1/2 mths. I bribe with M&M’s and did not do Pullups they are crazy, once they have a pretty good handle on things move to panties and do NOT go back they will decide peeing down their legs sucks way more than stopping what they are doing and running to the toilet real quick. Also if you are gonna do it you gotta stand your ground no waffling.

    Oh but just wait til you have to sit her on her first public toilet! it is great 😉 I may have had a slight panic attack the first time we were out at the park and Abby told me she had to poop. i did go out later and get one of those fold up potty seats to keep in her bag you can sit it on top of the toilet to make it a little less gross plus those damn things are huge for a little bitty girly bottom.

  25. says

    Lorelli has those same little house shoes. They are so cute.

    As for potty training…L was in cloth diapers so it happened a bit early. But I would have her go to her potty every time I had to go potty…and trust me..thats a lot. I pee OFTEN! We would go potty first thing in the morning. Then right after breakfast. Then an hour or so after that, etc etc. I just took her in every time I had to pee and sat her down on the potty. Usually when she heard me peeing, she would pee. And oh yeah…I would turn on the faucet, too. Just to make it work. I don’t know if it helped, but I like to think it did.

  26. Stephanie says

    Holy crap. I am going to start potty training my baby girl next month and you’ve just scared me to death. My vote is in favor of the drink…I think I am going to need one too!

  27. Kristin Aigner says

    I did fabulous princess underwear under pullups (“you don’t want to peepee on Cinderella do you?”) and I prayed her answer was no..I couldn’t handle pee all over my house and furniture. And she was not impressed by reading on the potty so I bought an I spy game (pillow thing with pellet and tiny trinket filled window). And we played I spy instead. Sounds bizarre and is fun to explain her potty game when we give as a gift but it worked. As did candy bracelets as the fab treat for success. I also hated spending all day in the bathroom. Potty training totally blows!

  28. Lynn says

    Everytime I went to the bathroom she went with me. I’d take her diaper off and make her sit on the potty even when she didn’t go. I had her in undies all day from 18 months. She had accidents and I had to clean pee from my carpet, poo from the undies, but she got it. We switched to pull-ups for nap and nighttime around 22 months. She was really bad about not wanting to poop on the potty; talk about pull your hair out. Even when she was going pee on the potty on the regular she still wouldn’t poop on the potty for 8 MONTHS. Finally I bribed her with hot wheels she loves em and they are only $1. Everytime she would poop on the potty she’d get a hot wheel from the store. On her 3rd birthday we took away pull-ups all together. She’s been in undies since, bedtime and naptime, hasn’t had an accident yet 5 months later.
    Bribe with better toys is the key I suppose.
    Good Luck

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