My Golden Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day this year was extra special, as it fell on the day I actually became a mother.

My golden Mother’s Day, if you will.

Sunday, Jude turned five.  That’s a whole hand of age.

In three pushes, that boy transformed me into a mom, thus ensuring I could never again wear low rise jeans, leave the house without my purse, or wear underwear without a pantyliner.

I’m thankful most days.  Though, they are living breathing reminders that I am getting older, fatter, and more out of touch.  I can’t keep up with them.  They outnumber me, they figure out technology faster than me, and the shit they watch, it just makes no sense to me.

In fact, most days, children’s television leaves me feeling like I’ve been roofied.

Is that…a dinosaur singing about…poop?

But, Muno looks like a…vibrator…right? Like the bumped g-spot kind?

Why are we dancing?  These songs aren’t even real words.

Is my skin made of pudding?  Why does it look like you all have fangs?

And then, I wake up in bed with a pounding headache, wearing a bathing suit full of raw bacon, mismatched galoshes and a headband with Shrek ears on it, wondering why it’s so quiet and…smells like…smoke?

But, that’s motherhood for ya.  Always exhausting.  Always confusing.  Always full of vaginal discomfort and raw meat.

So, on this fifth year of his life, Jude has started to come into his own.

He’s a real person, with opinions and sarcasm and clear understanding of his private parts.

Every year, I ask him how he’d like to spend his birthday, and every year he tells me he wants to go to Chuck E Cheese.

And, I am left reminding him we will never ever go to Chuck E Cheese, which then leads to a half hour explanation about what staph, semen, and the shelf life of botulism is.

He’s completely crushed, but I went to one of those singing robot animal pizza places once, on my 8th birthday, and I haven’t stepped foot in one again.

You see, you were never supposed to touch the singing animals, but I was such a big fan of the hippo playing the keytar, I simply couldn’t help myself.  But, once I climbed up on stage to give him a hug, I saw that the back of his head was missing, and in it’s place was this blinking, killer robot, metal hippo skull, and I was so scared, I fell sideways from the stage, chipping off the bottom half of my front tooth.

I spent the rest of my 8th birthday in an on-call emergency dentist office with my mom, holding half my tooth in a small cup of milk, while my little brother got to stay behind with all my friends, using all my hard earned tickets to get a pair of x-ray glasses and Chinese handcuffs.

We don’t even have dental insurance, Jude is not going to Chuck E Cheese.

So, instead we spent Mother’s Day, the day where I routinely pit my children against each other in a dog eat dog attempt to let them woo me with gifts and public declarations of love until a pick a favorite whose only reward is a bag of M&Ms and the coveted spot next to me in bed while we watch the Top Model marathon, running around the house in bathrobes carrying light sabers, until we blew the candles out on his Star Wars cake, because yes, that’s right folks, we are offically done with birthdays.

Halle-fucking-lujah.

Andy, April 5th.  Wyatt, April 13th.  Me, April 28th.  Gigi, April 30th.

By the time Jude’s birthday on May 8th arrives, we are broke, and so fucking sick of cake, I secretly pray he asks me for birthday pie.  Or birthday burritos.  I mean, you can stick a lit candle in anything, really.

Except for vodka.  Learned that one the hard way.

Arm hair never really grows back the same.

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  1. Erika says

    So I have one thing to say. I think Muno looks like a herpes penis……… My daughter just turned one a week ago and good god she loves Yo Gabba Gabba.

    • Brittany says

      On the plus side, Muno now looks less like a giant singing dildo and more like a penis covered in herpes. So, thanks for that.

  2. says

    Did you try floating a votive in the vodka? Cuz I’m pretty sure that shit would work. And look pretty. And make your face look younger, because everyone looks better in candlelight.

    • Brittany says

      We DO look lovely in candlelight, don’t we? From now on, I am doing all my skyping by candlelight, as well as retaking my drivers license picture.

  3. says

    Did you try floating a votive in the vodka? Cuz I’m pretty sure that would work, and make your face look younger. Because everyone looks good in candlelight. (I’ve already written this once. Your comments section ate it. If it comes back and I look stupid then I can’t be held responsible and I think I should get a gold star for re-writing it… along with this stupid explanation.)

  4. says

    OMG, Laughing is the best medicine seriously. The giggles you give me are snot inducing. :)

    and Yo Gabba scares me , I will listen but NOT watch anymore, because I don’t need those images in my head. Muno looks like he’d hurt me. OUCHIE.

    • Brittany says

      Don’t bite your friends. Try it, YOU’LL LIKE IT. There’s a Party in My Tummy.

      Yeah, I’m gonna say listening is pretty much JUST as bad.

  5. Amy says

    You are making me happy I don’t have cable and don’t have to watch anything other then Super Why and that dumb Dinosaur Train.

      • says

        OMG There is a poop song. I didn’t let Lorelli watch Dinosaur Train for a VERY long time after that. I was just floored…Elmo would never have sung a song about poop. Neither would the MoonDreamers. Nor the Smurfs nor the Fraggles. Why did the dinosaurs have t ogo and do that?!?!?!

  6. Nellie says

    Wow, I was hyperventilating just reading off those birthdays and you guys aren’t even related to me! Don’t know how you do it but it all ends up turning out perfectly in the end, I’m sure.

    I always thought motherhood would be a piece of cake but then reality punched me in the face. It’s so not easy but so well worth it! We do what we can and as long as there’s a smile shining through our children’s tears, we’ve managed to get through another day that ends with love.

    Happy Mother’s and Happy No More Birthday Party Planning till next April comes around!

    • Brittany says

      Luckily, I’ve stop having birthdays at 30, so that should really free up some time for me, come next April.

  7. Maggie says

    Huh…I thought I was the only one that thought that some of the characters on that show resembled something sexual. Red the textured Vibrator. The Pink Butt Plug. Wonderful. Anywho….That’s a lot of birthday shenanigans to be had! Sounds like somebody likes some summer lovin’!

  8. Angel Penate says

    So everytime you were pregnant and counted down the due date, was like this?
    -First time was “Awe cute, close to our birthdays!”
    -Second time, “Shit, really?”
    -Third… “AWE FUCK!”

    • Brittany says

      I was 9 months pregnant for, like, two of my birthdays. It was a suckfest. A sweaty, uncomfortable, crotch hurting suckfest.

  9. says

    HA HA HA! As a relatively new Mom (William age 3, Matthew age 7 months) I got a chuckle reading about your five year old — ah, what I have waiting for me! I did not have a birthday party at Chucky Cheese as a child but my oldest son was invited to one and I of course had to go along a smy husband wisely bowed out claiming he had to work.. likely story. Let’s just say germ-a-phobes should NOT enter a Chucky Cheese EVER. It is where kid germs and rednecks go to meet and make out. ick.

    Anyhow, happy belated Golden Mother’s Day!

    Lena

    • Brittany says

      Seriously, if you have to go back there, do yourself a favor and have the doctor call in a round of antibiotics for you all, just so you have it waiting for you.

  10. says

    My nephew’s birthday party was Saturday. Cake, ice cream, candy & a moonbounce. You can do the math on that one. Turns out the birthday boy was the inevitable child to get kicked in the face in the moonbounce. Happy birthday! Here’s your black eye.

    • Alysia says

      Ha, that’s funny. Well, not really for the lil guy, but HA! That would so be me! But I’d get kicked in the nose and break it, AGAIN.
      Yeh, birthday man, welcome to my life. Except maybe, hopefully, you’ll grow out of it.

      And Happy Belated Black Eye Birthday!

        • Brittany says

          Heather Spohr mocks mental illness. I’m putting that on a t shirt. Or on the banner pulled by an old timey airplane.

      • says

        I hope trampolines are on your list too. Trampolines are the devil’s toys. For reals. A year ago my friend was jumping on a trampoline and her knee didn’t bend when she came back down. Shattered her femur. SHATTERED. She’s just now getting back to her normal routine although she’ll never be 100%.

  11. Alysia says

    Chuck E. Cheese is GERM TOWN! I mean, I’m not a complete germ-a-phobe, but Damn. I certainly wasn’t letting my child roll around in a pit of funk and, more than likely, shit. Hang on, I have to go wash my hands and then spit……

    And I too understand the birthday issue. My kids were born 3 yrs and 3 DAYS apart, March 20 and 23. Then add to that my brothers kids, March 17 and 19. So, just forget me getting my freaking nails done that month, of any year. Ya know, cause it’s all about me. Well, not really but I like to think it is. ;)

    • Brittany says

      Seriously. We don’t eat the entire month of April, outside birthday cake. I am thankful my utilities are still on.

  12. Jen says

    My kids birthdays are April 15 and April 21, thank God the 3rd one is due in June I need a month to recover. The last two years I’ve conned them into having one big birthday party. My 6 year daughter is too smart for this now and demands a girly themed party next year with only her friends.

    • Brittany says

      Ok, next year I am going to attempt this. It’s hard because now they are in school, and inviting all that chaos makes me pukey.

      • Alysia says

        Invite them to a park where there are swings and crap. Cause, you know, outside swings have to be a little more germ free than that other in door place, because of the wind blowing. Right? Sounds right. Well, except for bird poop.
        Then set out bowls of candy randomly on the grass, grab the kids and the gifts and haul ass. I think this would work, in theory, it works.

  13. Jamie says

    FYI, I do not even have my own kids yet, but when I watch my nephew he loves Sesame Street…
    What the F is up with Mr. Noodle, and his brother… Mr. Noodle?! Do they scream PEDOPHILE to anyone else?!

    Mr.NOODLE?!

    And the way Elmo says it makes me want to gag.

  14. Jen says

    Oh no, we didn’t invite school friends….I’m not crazy. We invited family close friends or friends from our Playgroup and it’s a come have food, piñata, cupcakes and parents stay or at least one parent does. We have the party outside in the back yard, we have a swing set slide outdoor toys, parents watch their own kids etc. Greatest idea ever as far I am concerned

  15. says

    I will trade you all of those April birthdays for my daughter’s on December 15th. October through the end of Christmas is pretty much just hell for me. It is 100% my most stressful time of year.

  16. Elizabeth says

    Oh my God, I refuse to go to Chuck E. Cheese anymore because I, too, lost my tooth (actually my 2 front teeth) in the ball pit on my 5th birthday. I had to leave my own party early because some stupid kid decided to hide under the balls and jump up at the exact moment I dove in, which led to a head-mouth collision. When I got home, my dad had to sit me on the toilet and yank the other front tooth out because it was hanging by a thread. So gross. Worst day ever.

    • says

      OMG. That is horrible. Especially the hanging by a thread part. Was the stupid kid’s head okay? Because if so, that just seems really unfair.

      • Elizabeth says

        He didn’t even cry, just rubbed the back of his head a little bit. He said sorry, but I don’t think he really knew how bad it hurt me. So yeah, never going back there again, and that was 20 years ago.

  17. says

    OMG – Every freaking post makes me laugh out loud. You have seriously hit Motherhood on the head! Thank you for this, I really needed it today!

  18. Suzi says

    I’ve got birthday season too, eldest daughter 3/3, niece 3/25, youngest son 4/3, mine 4/11, twins 5/17, neice 5/23 and this year we have graduation for the twins on 6/8 and our anniversary on 6/9 to hell with floating a candle in the vodka… It’ll be in my bloody mary!

  19. says

    Holy… cow…. What we use to do was my dad’s was the 28th of August, mine was the 4th of September and my grandmothers is the 26… or 28th…. damn, I’m bad, of September. We’d combine them when my aunt would come up from Virginia every year. I think once the kids get older… that could be an idea.

  20. says

    We have the same issue, but it starts in June and I am the one that is shit out of luck at the end of the birthday sweep. We have one a week for 6 weeks. June 12, 19, 26, July 4. 9, and {FINALLY} me on the 13th. It is starting to get a little better though. {This will sound harsh} My grandmother on 6/12 died 3 years ago. My sister on the 19th and I are estranged so I don’t have to worry about her. My step-dad on the 26th is most likely getting a divorce from my mother, so that will alleviate that one. My granny on 7/4 is my soon-to-possibly-be-ex-stepdad’s mother. That only leaves my cousin whom I don’t really talk to very often and then ME!!! :)

    Not that it’s all about me or anything. I’m a grown-up now and have realized that birthdays really don’t mean anything anymore. Except for you brittany, you get…A NEEEEWWWW CAR {said in my best bob barker voice}.

  21. says

    You are a freakin’ trip! I don’t think I would do well at all having to share my mother’s day with my kid’s birthday! I am way too selfish!!!! It does get better with the parties and all except for the sweet 16 one for the girl! We blew a wad of money on that one but the good part is that I didn’t have to be there for it!!!! I sent them all in a limo to the mall and the spa!!!

  22. says

    This made me about pee myself. I totally feel like I am tripping or something whenever I watch Yo Gabba Gabba! I mean seriously Muno is so a giant bumpy vibrator!

    August is our hell month. My son’s birthday is August 1st, daughter’s is August 27th, our anniversary is August 28th and now my niece’s birthday is August 23rd. And then there is September. In September, my birthday is the 10th, BiL is the 11th, Great Gma the 12th and Gma the 14th. Those 2 months are insanity!

  23. Lori says

    I swear Yo, Gabba Gabba has subliminal messages in it. It’s like watching 30 minutes of Willie Wonka’s boat ride.

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