First, before anything else, I have to say thank you to my amazing Doctor, Stephen, who I know reads this blog, and I am sure regrets, on an hour by hour basis, the fact that I have his cell phone number, but he looks past all my psychotic texts because we are friends and he knows it’s not my fault that I am an absolute hazard to myself. So thank you, truly, for helping me every second of every day, and for not blocking my number.
In nine days, I went from physically healthy to not. At all.
The biggest issue I have been facing is pain. I’ve never been in constant, debilitating pain that I didn’t understand.
When I was 18, I shut my finger in a solid oak door, and it hurt for 2 weeks, my nail fell off and my finger smelled like dead animal. I understood the process, the pain made sense.
This was different.
So, basically, we all agreed (by we, I mean, me, my doctor and my percoset bottle) that I am having pain. But, no one quite understood why it’s getting worse, or why it’s moving around to fun areas like…my liver.
Since things were taking a turn for the worst, and the ER reports where sketchy at best, having been written by doctor at 4am who was either completely wasted, or just finished having sex with someone, I was sent for some further scans of my liver and ovaries, the Monday after Christmas.
Which basically meant I spent the whole holiday fearing the worst.
And guess what, cancer has like the highest google page rank, ever. Even when I went to look up relief for more obscure symptoms, the first thing to come up was always OMG YOU MOST LIKELY HAVE CANCER CLICK HERE IF YOU LIKE CRYING IN THE SHOWER AND YOU NEVER WANT TO SLEEP AGAIN.
So that, coupled with the obvious issue of being in a lot of pain that was slowly taking over different organs in my body, was a recipe for mental disaster.
Now, getting your liver scanned comes with the fun perk of having to fast prior to the test.
Why did you write the phrase “remember your liver” in all caps, with ten exclamation points, in black sharpie, on the back of the gas bill and tape it to the fridge?
Because Andy, I am fasting for my test, and I always end up stumbling out of bed, into the kitchen, in a slumbery haze, drinking orange juice straight from the container, and that would ruin everything.
Can we leave the sign up then, it grosses me out when you do that.
Andy is a sissy about backwash.
So anyways, I made it through my fast, went in for my scan, and even though I know the technicians aren’t supposed to tell you anything, I figured, I could small talk her enough to get a reading on whether or not she felt like she was looking at something not good.
I was like, oh hey, so this is my liver, then? And, she was like, yup. And I was like, wow, livers are so cool looking, do all livers have those spots? And, she was all, uh huh.
She was a brick wall.
I had a three hour gap between scans, a time which I was to use filling my bladder and, you know, holding it. Which should be a cinch for me, considering I make it to the bathroom in time almost never under completely normal circumstances, so I imagine this whole, hold 32 ounces of fluid inside me for over an hour when I am hunched over in pain, was going to go awesome.
And by awesome, I mean, everyone’s going to get wet.
But, I did it, and when I waddled into the exam room, laid on the gurney, and she pressed the ultrasound wand to my stomach, and I didn’t squirt urine on the wall across the room, I was so proud.
Until she told me she told me she couldn’t see what she needed, and asked me to go empty my bladder so she could do the scan transvaginally.
I was furious the whole six minutes I was peeing.
So, I come out of the bathroom to find her all, are you allergic to latex, and putting this giant condom on this 14 foot long wand, that was not at all awkward shoving into my vagina with her right next to me, so that she can then take over and move it around inside me.
It was one creepy guy with a mustache away from a porno.
A fetish one, because the pain of her being in there, coupled with the force of her jabbing around, made me realize OMG THERE IS STILL PEE INSIDE ME.
So, instead of focusing on the screen and trying to get her to tell me things, I spent the whole 20 minutes trying not to pee on her hand.
I was so thankful when she was done, and just as I was heading into the bathroom to put my pants back on, she informed me she had to redo my liver scan, because the woman who had done it that morning got confused about what organs look like, and accidentally scanned my gall bladder. Not my liver.
Could this day get any better?
Andy picked me up at the door and I cried the whole way home.
I knew something was not right with my body, and I just really wanted answers so people would believe me.
A few hours later I got the phone call.
You aren’t going to believe this, but I know why you still so ill.
Really? Is it really bad?
Well, you still have two fluid filled cysts on your right ovary and it’s enlarged, but the cysts are non cancerous, so we’ll watch them. And, you have Fatty Liver Disease-
Seriously, with the fat stuff right now?
No, it’s a disease that effects the lipids in your liver, you can get it from drinking too much, ahem, but aside from discomfort, as long as you don’t have Hepatitis C, it’s not a huge deal. (Mental note, google symptoms for Hepatitis C) But, the crazy thing is, that moron who messed up scanning your liver this morning, she saved you, turns out, your gallbladder is littered with gallstones, we need to get that out right away. It’s why, after your cyst burst, you kept getting sicker and in increasing pain. We’re lucky she caught it.
It’s like my blind cousin Rich threw darts at a picture of my body and was like, LET’S MAKE ALL THESE ORGANS EXPLODE! (This is relevant because he has anger issues, and also likes to set things on fire.)
I meet with my surgeon today. I am so glad to have answers. Answers that, while totally surprising, are not as bleak or unfixable as we feared.
I don’t know who intervened. God, prayer, fate, a mislabeled Ultrasound Tech Anatomy & Physiology book, whatever, but, thank you.