In eight whole days….I turn 29.
I am going to save my drunken age induced spazz out for another time, and instead, focus on the other part of birthdays.
Gifts.
I am not sure what age I am supposed to stop expecting gifts for my birthday.
My mom doesn’t expect gifts for her birthday.
Oh save your money, I don’t need anything, it’s just another day.
But ma, look, I got you that stand mixer thing you wanted.
That is way too much money, return it and spend it on the kids. Really, just seeing you all is enough gift for me.
I’m not returning it, just fucking take it, stop being ridiculous.
I’m not going to take stuff from you when you yell at me.
I’m not yelling, Jesus Christ mom, it’s a birthday gift, take it.
Fine, but next year do not get me anything, I am serious.
Fine. Maybe just a prostitute with a huge dick.
Brittany!
Or a coffin.
Congratulations, you ruined my birthday.
When does that happen? The not wanting a gift thing?
I have three kids and I still want a birthday gift. Especially from Andy.
I don’t get anything nice, ever. I just bought underwear from the clearance rack at Walmart, and I have been using Andy’s travel size Old Spice deodorant from his ski trip 4 months ago for over a week because I hate justifying $8 on Secret Clinical.
So, on April 28th? I want presents.
Presents I have no hand at all in buying, therefore, no guilt.
Except, and I truly hate saying this, in general…Andy is a horrible gift giver.
Usually, his gifts consists of ideas of gifts I might want, that he then writes in a card that he got at the gas station, the morning of my birthday, when he ran up there to get condoms and doughnuts.
Like….Thanks for being a wonderful wife and mother, why don’t we look online tonight and order the {insert random object I saw on the internet one time and must have said I liked, but totally don’t remember} that you said you wanted, you totally deserve it!
And then it never happens.
On very rare occasions, Andy defaults to go-to girl gifts. Like smelly lotions, candles, or spa certificates.
The latter being something I loathe.
I have had two massages in my lifetime.
For the first one, I was 20 and hungover. I am pretty sure I was passed out for the entire experience, and to this day I am shocked I didn’t end up pregnant or missing my wallet.
The second time was after I had Wyatt. It was miserable. The masseuse was 90 lbs, and I think I spent the entire experience tucking flabby parts under the hand towel she laid across my vagina and praying to God I didn’t leave butt sweat on the table.
My body is just not built to be naked while strangers rub it.
Especially when it comes time to flip onto my back…because then this* happens:
This is me. On my back. No bra. Andy must feel like a fucking priest when we have sex, because I am as flat as a 12 year old boy.
Armpits are the new nipple.
But, if people would just let me leave my bra on (seriously Andy, you can lick them all you want, my nipples stopped feeling things 3 kids ago), POOF, boobies!
Girl parts.
Besides, this year I want a trip to Upstate New York. Or maybe a prostitute.
Either way, I’ll have crabs.
*These grainy photos were taken at 3am with my Blackberry while I laid in bed wondering where my boobs went. I couldn’t sleep and the only thing on TV was George Lopez and that show about little people who make chocolate.
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Are those teeth marks?
Since I’m a few months away from turning 39, I sort of don’t have tons of sympathy on the age thing. But the boob thing I can totally relate to.
Oh, and I absolutely want gifts. Although we will most likely be “too poor” when the time actually comes around.
wes doesn’t even bother with cards anymore. and ditto on the massages. ick.
You should definitely come to upstate New York. Like somewhere near Saratoga Springs, or Albany. I live here! Then we could go out together, get drunk, and talk shit about skinny girls! 😉
The curse of big boobs. They droop.
Girl… you can totally have MY boobs… 36DD’s and even after 3kids they are still hanging in there. I swear they weigh 10 pounds a piece!
Why the fuck is your hubby buying condomos? Didn’t he get a vasectomy? OH…wait. So THAT’S why you’re saying you’re going to have crabs…..STDs are total bullshit when they come from your hubs.
laughing….esp the part about having no feeling since having the kids.
Omg LMAO that was too funny! My boobs do the same thing… Damn gravity!
I’m totally laughing at Andy’s gift giving issues because I can totally relate. Only, when my husband gives me a birthday gift, it clearly has “BUDGET FRIENDLY” written all over it or is a totally random gift that he thinks is super fantastic. Case in point: I’d been bitching for months about how I need a new black purse. I’d looked high and low for a black purse but couldn’t find one that I liked. On my birthday, my husband wakes me up in the morning with the big silly grin on his face that says “I know I’m gonna get laid for this one!” and hands me a big Coach box. I was excited because I thought, for once, he may have gotten it right and maybe I could stop my search for the Great Black Hope. What was inside? A WHITE (in December, no less) Coach purse that he got off of a website called http://www.clearancecoachpurses.com (obviously a total bullshit website) that I’m pretty sure was either fake or reconditioned. It wasn’t the fact that the purse was the opposite of what I’d been asking for and/or fake, it was the fact that he sought out a website with that name in the hopes of getting me the bargain of a lifetime present. Oh well……speaking of boobs, mine are now leaking since my newborn is looking to be fed so this milk cow is off to the pasture. Happy birthday, Brittany!
I want to know what kind of bra that is. It is magic and I need one.
You’re awesome. And you’re only turning 29? OMG. I’m soooooo old next to you. I’m turning 34 this September. BARF.
You’re almost 29 AND you have huge breasts? Those ARE the present. Your skin is still where it’s supposed to be and your boobs droop because they’re huge, not because they’re old and saggy. All I can says is fuck you.
Oh, and Happy Birthday!
Ok, so, I’m the creepy stalker who has had this page open on my computer since you wrote it. There’s a reason, I SWEAR. Actually, there are 4 reasons, 2 of whom are at school right now and the other 2 are destroying my house but I WILL COMMENT DAMMIT.
I’m flat as a board, and now the teeny bit I did have is saggy, which EW. And OMG. And I suddenly totally understand plastic surgery. So just imagine when I lay down…NUTHIN’.
Happy Almost Birthday! Mine always suck, too- they did since I started school because it’s usually on the first day. Then I married my husband ON my birthday, so, yeah. I had my first good one last year because I wrote down a list of exactly what I wanted him to do and made him carry it in his wallet. I hate forgoing the surprise aspect, but it’s either that or have sucky horrible birthdays forever!
Oh, and I think the not-wanting-gifts is a generational thing. My mom does that, too. But she gets pissed if we don’t get her anything. ::facepalm::
What miracle bra is that????????? Tell us please please please please please!
OMG Girl, you are my hero! AND, just for the record, having boobs after 2 kids isn’t a pretty sight when laying flat either because they become underarm appendages. Not attractive.
My husband’s birthday is also the 28th! I hate getting him gifts. I seems he likes only uber-expensive things. He actually asked me for an iPad…areyoufuckingshittingme?! He hates unwrapping things, he hates cards…and my family looooves to give gifts and cards. I constantly beg them to just please! Give him gift cards or money so he can go on Amazon or some other nerdy shopping site and buy what he wants!
DUDE! massages = amazing.
you get to drool on a bed that isn’t yours and get felt up and feel all good and shit.
and for what it’s worth, you can get away with the boobs laying down thing, because i’d say 99% of women would like their boobs to look as good as yours in a bra.
actual stats.
One of these days, I want a good birthday gift. Just before I die, please god?
I’m weird with people touching me, but the local holistic hippie spa in my town is “ladies only” ( which should probably creep me out even more…) This nice old lady does massages & my mom treats me sometimes.. It’s ok.. I went at about 37 weeks pregnant, and uh.. well.. I didnt pee, so, I figure after that, she can handle all this ((gestures down))
Give it a whirl, everyone should get rubbed down by complete strangers occasionally!
hey brittany, nice tits.
I always wanted to say that to a girl.
BTW, I will be turning 35 and my boobs *only* look like boobs in a bra. Otherwise they look like tennis balls in tube socks. or, side fat under my arms.
Glad I’m not the only one who’s boyfriend/ husband fails on her birthday. I grew up in a family where birthdays were a big effing deal! Special breakfast, gifts, decorations, being picked up from school and taken to lunch, etc. My boyfriend, on the other hand, maybe gets me some flowers. Every year, without fail, he finally gives me a gift about 2 weeks late.
I used to feel weird about getting massages, but have you seen the waiting room at Massage Envy? Yeah, I’m sure the massuese (sp?) has seen it all.
Well, since you don’t have to use condoms anymore, will you even get a card this year? I guess he’ll still stop for doughnuts.
I have told my husband that 4 seconds after we’re done with babies, I am getting a boob lift. That? Is the gift that keeps on giving.
Wait!!!
I can’t get past the condoms. You guys still use condoms. tell him for your birthday to get snipped snipped….It will be the best birthday present you ever get. It is the gift that keeps on giving 🙂
If I recall, I think Andy *did* get the old snip snip.
YUP! He got it last year after the baby, this will be my FIRST BIRTHDAY sans condoms.
I just want to know… What the hell bra is THAT??? Your boobies look fan-freaking-tastic! I would like to find such a miracle worker for mine….
I usually tell my husband what to get me for my birthday. This came about after he gave me the most hideous, atrocious candle sticks ever to made in human history (My taste : simple and elegant, his : Versailles and heavy on the gold please). So I gave up the surprise part for ever. This also includes christmas gifts. Small price to pay for peace of mind really.
My mother is 63, she always says she doesn’t want anything, but trust me, she is still happy when she gets her present. Or she is just good at faking it.
So I’m 29… and I’ve been an A cup since I was 18. That’s right. An A cup. I had faith when I was 18 that you aren’t technically done growing until 25… but no, looks like I was done. I’m usually fine with this ironing board, but now I’m jealous. Thanks. Gravity or not- wear your leopard bra with your white tank top and live it up woman! Oh and buy yourself a “birthday girl” pin- people may give you free stuff! Happy almost 29th- it’s a blasty blast.
Gosh, I wish I wasn’t reading this at work because I surf w/o pictures when I’m goofing off. That way, it doesn’t look quite as much like goofing off as it really is, you know? Anyway, I turned 36 this year and I still wanted a bday gift. I told my man exactly what I wanted, showed him where to order it from, and, guess what? I got it! Sure, it wasn’t a surprise, but it was a great gift! So, do you really want to take your chances with a “thoughtful surprise” or do want to get something you really want? Since you are sacrificing womanly rights to pretty-smelling deodorant, then you totally deserve a really, really great birthday gift. Now go tell your man what to get you and be specific!
SEE I gave myself the gift the keeps on giving….a tummy tuck and a breast lift!
I don’t know, I’d kind of be satisfied with condoms and doughnuts.
“Armpits are the new nipple.” That made me howl with laughter!
I feel ya, my boobs hang so low now they look like cake decorating bags. Dumb babies and nursies.
P.S. My husband sucks at gifts too. A couple of years ago for Mother’s Day I got a rice cooker. Say what?
You are my hero for posting actual booby shots… at 3am none-the-less.
Am pretty sure you (in the collective sense) never actually stop “wanting” gifts but as a mother myself I’d be giddy if my kids just didn’t pee or spit up on me for my birthday. A gift seems too much. Everyone else however is a totally different subject.
And I have to politely disagree with you on the girly spa appointments. I will pay almost any sum of money to be left alone in a quite, child-free zone for an hour plus. And if you want to throw in a massage, pedi/mani, facial or any kind of body toning/washing/scrubbing I will gladly oblige. I’m relaxing just thinking about a spa treatment.
When all else fails, blog about your “list of things I want”. I have found this works wonders for the husband as well as the in-laws!
Wow had no idea you were such a baby. I am almost exactly ten years older than you because I just turned thirty-nine!! And by the way, your boobs look awesom in the second pic but seriously where are they in the first pic?
Sadie at heyMamas
My husband is about as bad as yours on presents! His fall back is always jewellery, which I never wear.
Hmph. At least you have breasts. Mine were sucked dry after the second kid, and now resemble fried eggs.
And 29??? PUH-LEASE, you’re a spring chicken.
Happy Birthday!
I knew I loved your blog for a reason. (I mean, other than that I think its the funniest thing that’s ever been written).
Turns out, that you and I, sisters were born on the same day. Same year. We’re soul mates.
But not in a weird internet stalker way.
Happy Birthday! I hope Andy gets a good gift this year. Seriously. Are you not freaking the fuck out about turning 29? I sure am. How did I/we get so old?
LMAO! So funny. I found your site…wow – don’t know how. A 2:32 in the morning sort of surfing the net for “work” sort of not sleeping way. Anyway, have Andy contact me. I’m a Gift Detective. No – wait! I’m THE Gift Detective. I’m serious. Check out my site if you don’t believe me. 😉 And then, make Andy bookmark it! Present problem solved!! (my specialty!)
I hope you have a tremendously Happy Birthday with no massages, girlie lotion, candles or a crappy IOU card from the gas station.
~ Alyna
I just stumbled across your blog and I’m dying laughing. I swear, we are soul sisters. I feel like I’m reading my mind.
Have a fantastic birthday! You’ll probably have to suck it up and buy your own damn gift. Just wrap it, give it to Andy, and tell him to give it back to you to open.
I usually come home with a shopping bag full on my birthday and show the hubs what he got me. 🙂
Ohmigawd! My boobs disappear when on my back too! I don’t think your first shot is wide enough cause, if you will notice, all the boobage that you used to have up front has slid around to the sides and you are now twice as wide.
That’s my story anyway.
hahhhahahah…i have been laughing out loud for the last half hour after stumbling upon your website and drinking a bottle of reisling and enjoying your blog…
you are hilarious and real and probably in some way related to me (in soul) because what you say and how you say it is HILARIOUS
i am 27 and getting married in four months and i can only hope to be as cool and funny as you after a few years of life and marriage…
thanks for the laughs!
Ok. i have to admit ya’ll got some crappy gifts. BUT, an ex of mine bought me the weirdest, most awful Bday gift of all time. He gleefully arrived at my house on my 34th birthday and proudly presented me with a lovely flourescent colored toilet seat lid covered in hideous fish.It was cushioned, “padded”, covered in plastic, and it pinched my butt the first time I sat on it.I tossed that sucker in the trash the second he left. The idiot was ever so proud if himself. Hmm, i wonder why he was an ex??
Lucky for me, my husband gives me the best gifts. When we were too poor to buy anything he wrote me a heartfelt letter listing all my virtues and how he was lucky to have married me. Then, in his truest fashion, he spent the entire day talking and acting like he was an 80 year old dirty-minded old fart who kept yelling “Let me see your boobies little girl. I have a present for you in my pants and it’s not a toaster!”