Denim is a natural fiber. If by natural, you mean, made out of assholes.

by Brittany on April 1, 2010

in Am bitter, Chubby Girl, incoherent rant

Today I turned the air on.

Which pissed Andy off because it’s, like, 68 degrees here today.

But, I didn’t care, I needed the bedroom to be cold.  I was trying on jeans.

And, that is way easier to do when I am not all sweaty and sticky.

Because nothing can make or break my self esteem more than a pair of jeans.

After I had Wyatt, carrying the weight of two back to back pregnancies, I wore a size 20.

Two.

Zero.

I couldn’t shop at The Gap.  I cut the tags out of all my pants so Andy couldn’t see them, you know, on the off chance he would start folding the laundry and be all, OMG why do we have Chris Farley’s pants here?!

When I would buy jeans, I would ask for a gift receipt, so the cashier wouldn’t know they were for me.

It was hard to hate my body after the hell I had just put it through.

But, I cried every time I had to button my pants.

So, I starved myself, and popped Adipex pills like they were candy.

I was jittery.

My heart physically hurt.

My mouth was a dessert.

I spent my days feeling like I was drugged out on Peyote.

But, I lost 68 pounds.

Size 12 jeans.

Totally worth it.

And now, post Gigi, I find myself, once again, battling my pants.

Not the stretchy ones.

Those are fine.

The other ones.

The skinny ones.  The boyfriend ones.  The low rise ones.

How do real people, people who are not a 14 year old Jonas brother, wear these pants, and, like….do stuff?

Like, sit down, or bend over, or eat KFC indian style on the kitchen floor because you had a bad day and your husband hung up on you when you called him repeatedly to see if it was ok to use his electric shaver on your bikini line, which was actually a moot point, because you already did it before asking, and now you are paranoid because he said no, and you are totally convinced it smells like vagina, so you keep spraying it with Country Apple Body Splash from Bath and Body Works and OMG IT”S NOT WORKING NOW IT SMELLS LIKE APPLEY VAGINAS!

Yeah.

So, today, in my 50 degree bedroom, I tried on jeans.

With the Kardashians turned up loud to drown out the grunting, and no underwear because panty lines make me feel fatter.

But, then I got totally paranoid again, so three of the pairs I am returning smell like Appley Vaginas.

Which, in my opinion, is fucking adorable.

{ 107 comments… read them below or add one }

Sadie at heyMamas April 2, 2010 at 6:35 pm

Dude, we are so on the same page except skinny jeans are my mission (just wrote a whole post about it) but I didn’t just have a kid AND I don’t ask about his electric shaver, I just do!

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Brittany April 3, 2010 at 8:22 am

They MIGHT be secretly my mission too, but until that day comes, I am gonna act all asshole-y about them.

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Brittany May 15, 2012 at 5:05 pm

You are so amazing Brittany! I mean some of these exact thoughts go through my head and you have the eloquence and the guts to actually put them in print. I’m in awe.

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Melissa April 2, 2010 at 9:39 pm

I don’t even know what to say other than my god, I love your blog.

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Lisa April 3, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Real people should not wear skinny jeans. That is one of those articles of clothing that is truly “just because they make it in your size, doesn’t mean you should wear it” articles of clothing. Like denim miniskirts. And tube tops. The only people who look cute in those things are size 00 to size 2 teenaged girls with small feet and no boobs. Everyone else looks like a monster. Even Ugly Betty. (That’s right, I noticed and did not approve.)

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Nikki Mohamed April 3, 2010 at 5:25 pm

I’m finally excited about my 16′s sliding down. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve
actually lost weight or it’s because they’re those low-riding “(Y)-generation”
jeans and are designed to slide down and show your entire rectum to the world.
I figure having had my last of 5 just 9 years ago, I’m entitled to at least 5 more
years of blaming it on pregnancy. There’s nothing wrong with Appley-vaginas.
Fishy, however, is grounds for discussion with your gynecologist.

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Brittany April 4, 2010 at 10:54 am

My 16′s slide down TOO! I am convinced it’s because of the stretch in the denim. While I GET why it’s a good thing, what it really means is that after an hour, my jeans won’t fit anymore and my ass will look saggy.

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Nikki Mohamed April 4, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Thanks, Brittany. You just shot my big balloon of weight-loss hope right outta the friggin’ sky. Thank you for your honesty??

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Brittany April 4, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Ok what I MEANT to say was, while I am SURE your’s slide down because you are super skinny and I hate your guts, MINE slide down because the stretch likes to trick me, so just when I THINK it’s because of weightloss, I pull them out of the dryer and it’s like PSYCH!

But, yes. Your’s is TOTALLY due to weightloss.

Peggy April 3, 2010 at 7:56 pm

Hey you need to go read Candice’s (Life According To…) post about the new german scent – goes right along with appley vagina!

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Flitryss April 3, 2010 at 8:45 pm

I’m not gonna lie, My first thought was “She lost 68 pounds. Google those pills!” Then I didn’t. Jeans can go to hell. For years shopping for them made me cry. I would go all over, and whether I was at Target or Nordstrom they were never “Right” … some okay, but I never loved a pair of jeans. I wore skirts as much as humanly possible. You and I wear the same size and I’m just going to tell you right now that after fighting with jeans for so long, I went to Torrid (they go 12-26) and even my “I only wear designer jeans” (not that there’s anything wrong with that) friend complimented a pair of jeans I got from there. They carry See Thru Soul which I used to buy at Nordstrom before I realized that the ones at Torrid were cut for women rather than freaks of nature with bodies like my nine-year-old. Now I wear jeans almost every day. Of the 4 pairs in regular rotation, 3 are from there and the other is the curvy boot cut from Ann Taylor Loft.

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Brittany April 4, 2010 at 11:14 am

I am in 16s, and I am DYING to be comfortable in wearing jeans everyday. I wear them out and about, get home, and instantly take them off the second I walk through my front door.

I need a jeans happy place.

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rach April 3, 2010 at 10:44 pm

holy shit, I totes live in jeans even tho they make me cry sometimes, and the vagina vs electric razor scenario has def happened at my house. awesome.

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Steam Me Up Kid April 3, 2010 at 11:44 pm

I use my dead dad’s beard trimmer. Only for the long stuff though.

Is that weird?

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Brittany April 4, 2010 at 11:15 am

Um, if by weird you mean a fitting tribute to a great man who had excellent taste in electronic hygiene equipment, then…yes.

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shauna April 4, 2010 at 10:16 am

OMG So glad I stumbled over here … absolutely one of the best damn posts I think I have ever read … and FYI, while I am lucky enough to be able to wear boyfriend jeans- skinny jeans- whatever … I can not eat KFC Indian style (or even sit in on a backless bench) with out my ass crack peeping over the top of my jeans. Totally sucks. Just subscribed to your feed- hope you can stop by my place when you have the time!

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Sophia's Mom aka The Wannabe WAHM April 4, 2010 at 10:49 am

LOL! Chris Farley’s pants!!!
I used my hubby’s electric shaver too! He was pissed. Ended up buying a new one and giving the old one to me for my lady parts.

And I HATE skinny jeans. They are NOT meant for real people.

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MJ April 4, 2010 at 4:31 pm

CRACKING ME UP!! I too am on a jean search —-and actually made a date to do it tomorrow with one of three girlfriends in the world I would trust to see me wiggle my dimply ass into jeans without laughing (too hard) and who will tell me the truth about how they look. And best of all who won’t judge me for needing to be drunk to try on jeans.

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elle April 5, 2010 at 7:51 am

dude! i’m in my twenties, sans kids, and even i want to set myself on fire every time i put on jeans.

or anything for that matter.

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Alexandra April 5, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Dude, you read my mind. Am mid-twenties, and jeans are the bane of my existence. I hate being around the bf when trying to get my jeans on after they are washed and having to squeeze my bum into those damn things without crying and still being able to breathe. I actually googled those pills. If I had health insurance, HA! and got to see a Dr. I would totally get them, just so when summer comes around I look relatively normal instead of insane alongside all these size 00′s! Damnit! Honestly for once in my life, I would really like to walk on a beach and not be shy. I have decided to ride the MS 150 to Erie, and have been riding. I am hoping that the challenge not only gets me in shape but makes me look better in jeans. Now if I could just get people to sponsor me, that would be awesome….maybe by July, I will have ridden 150 miles for a good cause….and fit into atleast a size 12 (10 if I hit my goal) am a 14/16 now. Not a big difference,….but you know baby steps…..very tiny ones!!!

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mel April 5, 2010 at 9:15 am

I ate my weight in Portugese sweet bread yesterday as a farewell to most foods I love because I hate my denim situation so much right now. I HAVE TO START EATING BETTER *cries*
It’s gotten so bad that when my size 14 comes out of the dryer, I literally have to put my one foot up on the bed and stretch each leg individually. Nice visually eh? it’s SO MUCH FUN…sigh

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mountainmomma18 April 5, 2010 at 12:50 pm

I would rather wear my favorite jeans until the literally fall off of me then go jeans shopping- giving birth was less painful, and my epidural didn’t work. I hate all of this low rise crap because I am tall with long legs and a long torso and no waist, so half of the time low rise jeans would mean flashing my girl bits- fun times seriously

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Tirzah April 5, 2010 at 10:51 pm

Jeans, all jeans hate me and my fat ass…so I can totally sympathize with you. I was pretty stocked when I discovered that Old Navy’s plus sizes actually went to plus sizes and didn’t stop at an 18 or 20, instead they go to 30. Yes, 30! Of course the first time I ordered jeans from them I ordered too big figuring that it was too good to be true but I was wrong, oh heavenly day!

Also, “appley vaginas” totally made me snort. haha

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Annah April 6, 2010 at 8:45 am

I can happily say I am a (very tight) size eight jeans now….. but DAMN, I miss those cupcakes. Matter of fact, think I’ll have one today. lol

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Sarah April 6, 2010 at 8:59 am

I work at Condé Nast. You know, the fashionista empire? For the record, I am the furthest from a fashionista and still don’t know how they let me in the door in my Old Navy shirt and Gap denim maternity pencil skirt that should have been retired three years ago (sorry, I don’t care that my son is almost three. It’s the most comfortable thing in my closet). Anyway, I work on the floor with Lucky magazine and am surrounded daily by girl-women who prance around in the skinniest of skinny jeans. Low-slung boyfriend jeans, rolled up with mile-high gladiator sandals and more often than not, full on tights that are worn as pants. I battle daily with my self-esteem as I pass by them in the hall. But for the record, they always frown, and they never, ever say “hi.” They are clearly starving, poor things. And while they may look great in their jeans, they’re not very happy. And though I fit firmly in my size 10′s despite my resolution to lose the baby weight, I am happy. And I thoroughly enjoy eating sandwiches. They can have their jeans.

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Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife April 6, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Laughed out loud! Thanks for sharing!

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Jennifer April 7, 2010 at 9:13 pm

OMG!! You FREAKING READ MY MIND!! I hate jean shopping… I’m convinced that Old Navy and the Gap DO NOT make jeans for women with any kind of curves. The last time I went shopping for jeans I nearly cried in the fitting room. WTF?? Boyfriend jeans?? Sweetheart jeans?? Fuck that! How about “Proud Mama Jeans” that don’t make me look like I’m 102! I hate my body post-rats–I mean children, and I’m determined to do something about it. I’m tired of the Old Navy jeans I cried over showing off my ass-crack every time I sit or bend over.

Thank you, Brittany, for this LOL!! I really needed it. At least I know I’m not alone in my insanity!

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Kid Icarus April 15, 2010 at 3:42 pm

God – The use of a good man shaver on the vag is just the ticket! You’re nice though, you spray…I don’t. I pretend it never happened and put it nicely back in the drawer where I found it. EEEEEEEEEK! Joke’s on him!

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Brooke April 22, 2010 at 11:59 am

I just peed a little in my pants when I read this.
This is bad for numerous reasons… the most important of which being that I am currently at work.

Super!

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Steph May 13, 2010 at 3:20 pm

No matter what size I am I want to cry when shopping for clothes. I was just over 120lbs before I had my kids, got up to 200 with both and am finally wearing around a 7/8 but I still look in the mirror and want to throw up whatever I ate for dinner.

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Danielle May 20, 2010 at 9:09 pm

Glad to find out I’m not the only one!
Thanks for writing, loved it!

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Jacquie November 11, 2010 at 10:27 am

I’ve had countless conversations with my girlfriends about the horror of jean shopping. No matter what shape/size you are it’s a nightmare. I want to meet this “average” jean size woman and punch her in the twat. I’m pretty skinny but I’ve got big ol booty and am mildly vertically challenged – all jeans that can fit around my butt are 3-5 inches too long. My girlfriend who’s body I covet can’t find jeans that’ll go below her ankle. MEN also have this problem! During one such conversation one of the boyfriends joined in and talked about how he always had to buy the pipe leg jeans because his thighs are so big even regular fit jeans wore like skinny girl ones.
And I wear a different size depending on what brand/cut I try on. Sometimes I’m an acceptable size, sometimes I’m a size bigger. I end up leaving the store confused with what’s left of my self esteem dragging behind me wondering if I’ve gained weight since the morning. Because I woke up and put on a happy-inducing size and then when I showed up at the store I suddenly can’t fit into that number anymore. The best diet plan I can think of is to go jean shopping every day – I end up so upset and disgusted with my usually loved ghetto booty that I refuse food for the rest of the day in hopes of appeasing the denim gods.
The most hilarious thing about the entire size situation is that I find girls who are heavier than I to be EXTREMELY beautiful. I drool over them and wish I could look like they do. And on the flip side when I see the “corpse” girls I want to vomit and make them a cheeseburger. Society has ingrained a size/number obsession in me that’s so extreme the moment I walk into a department store my definitions of beauty fly out the window and all I know is that I MUST fit into the tiniest jeans possible.
Don’t be defined by a number! There’s plenty of skinny bitches out there who are going to look at you and be jealous of how gorgeous you are. (Like me!)

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Julianne April 18, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Brittany,

I started reading your blog recently and I absolutely love it. I right click on every link you post and open a new tab and just keep reading and reading and reading. I think my google reader is going to explode. Every time I look at it, no matter how much I read, it always says 1,000+ items. GAH! I’d just like to say that I find you amazing, gorgeous, hilarious, sexy, and real. I love your writing style and wish that my blog posts came out of my head nearly as well written as yours do. Alas, this is not the case, but being a curvy girl that has worn every size jean from 8 to 18 in her 22 year old life, I wanted to tell you that you are inspiring and heart-breakingly, pee my unbuttoned-as-I-sit-at-my-desk-at-work jeans, genuine and funny.

P.S. Your message is exactly what my sister and I tell each other every day, and I want to get involved and help in any way I can. I don’t have many resources, but I’m crafty and resourceful! I’d love to write for you! If you’re ever looking for a law school drop out/pastry chef who currently works as a copy editor to do a post for you, you’ve got the right girl. Read my blog and e-mail me!

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