Heaven hates teabaggers. Which, fyi, is totally a real word, spellcheck.

Lately the boys have been teabagging things.

Like, the arm of the couch.

The pug.

The dining room table.

Gigi’s forehead.

My elephant statue from Pottery Barn.

Not in a gross, sexual, in your mouth kinda way.  More like the OMG THIS IS HILARIOUS LOOK AT WHAT I AM PLOPPING MY BALLS DOWN ON MOM MOM MOM LOOK LOOK!

It’s fun.

But, I worry that while I understand that they are just being boys who are enjoying some passing fascination with their balls, what if they do it somewhere that’s not home?

Mrs. Gibbons?  I think you need to pick up the boys from our playdate, they are trying to teabag my daughter.  And my 13 year old cat.  He’s blind.  He can’t even defend himself.

Hi, Mrs. Gibbons, we’re going to need you to come in for another meeting, Jude is putting his testicles on the statue of St. Francis of Asissi, again, P.S. YOU ARE GOING TO BURN IN HELL, JESUS HATES YOU, OMG.

Because, that, folks, would be my life.

me:  Andy, you got to talk to them about putting their privates on stuff.

Andy:  I am in the car.  On my way to the Detroit plant.  With my bosses.

me:  Just tell them they aren’t allowed to teabag things until they are married.

Andy:  Well we both know that’s not true.

me:  Way to make it about you, Andy.  Our kids are going to assault innocent animals and Pottery Barn sculptures, and probably get expelled from St. Moneybags, and you are still giving me shit because I don’t like hair in my mouth?

Andy:  *annoyed sounding sigh*

me:  Ok, I’ll talk to them, but I remember when my mom gave me the private part talk, and it freaked me out so much, I literally put a piece of scotch tape across my vagina, so that nothing could get in there, and I wouldn’t go to hell.  And, I kept it on there for two whole weeks, I wouldn’t even bath, and my mom finally found out, and I had to go to the doctor.

Andy:  Um, because you are a psycho?

me:  No.  Because I had an allergic reaction to the adhesive.  Apparently she knew something was up because I spent 14 days itching my crotch.

Andy:  Ok, I’ll talk to them.

me:  I’ll put you on speakerphone.

Andy:  I mean, when I get home.

me:  But, I’m almost out of bleach wipes!?

Andy:  I gotta go.

me:  I’m going to hide the scotch tape so they don’t put it on their pee holes.

Andy:  Hmm.  You might be mentally ill.

me:  Your FACE is mentally ill.  And also, there is nothing fun about 10-14 days of steroid cream.

Andy is so lucky he married me.

I’m pretty much an encyclopedia of helpfulness.

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  1. says

    OMFG, I’m laughing so hard that tears are falling out of my eyes and of the original post wasn’t enough, every comment with what whoever’s son has done just makes me laugh harder! Problem is, it’s past 1am here and I need to go to sleep but I can’t because I’m so worked up! So thanks, y’all!

    SO glad I’m an only child and that hubby and I are childless…never/don’t have to deal with that stuff.

    (giggle)

  2. Hilary says

    Once again, Hilarious! You guys should pitch yourselves as a reality show to HBO or Showtime or one of those channels that lets people swear and show full frontal nudity. Because when you’re talking about teabagging, you gotta have creative license to be reals, you know??

  3. says

    When my husband shaves his goatee at our bathroom sink (after he gets out of the shower. Naked.), he oftentimes teabags the counter. I now make him put a towel underneath. Who KNOWS how long this travesty was occurring before I caught him?! GAG.

    • Kevin J. Hines says

      PUH-LEASE! I assume when you married your hubby his balls came/w the package (no pun). Lemme speak for the guys here: I’m sure you’ve had worse shit on your vanity than your husband’s (I assume) freshly showered ball sack. Time to grow up, girls…

  4. says

    I think it is so funny when little boys are learning about their “parts”. Since my kids are older I will share about my sisters little boy. His new thing is to go around saying, ” My wiener doesnt know what my butt’s doing and my butt doesnt know what my wieners doing”. Gotta love them. Cause you know they didnt get that shit off Sponge Bob.

  5. MJ says

    OMG! I love the conversations between you and Andy. They are exactly like what my hubby and I would say if I didn’t hide the crazy and he weren’t scared of me. I (mostly) hide the crazy from him. And I garner the fear. Every once in a while I cut my eyes at him with a totally psychotic expression (sort of like the one really hateful cats give you when they are considering the fact that if they were bigger than you, you would so be lunch). The mean ass look is critical to garnering the fear. It works on my 6-year-old (male) too. My 4-year-old daughter freezes, narrows her eyes and gives it right back to me. And then I laugh because I am training her without meaning to. Someday she will garner the fear in her family too. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

  6. says

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with teabagging. I teabag stuff all the time…I haven’t admitted to my blog readers yet that I have a penis, but I feel comfortable talking about it on this platform. You seem open and accepting. If the nuns at St. RepentOrGoToHell would relax and just TRY it, they’d see that putting their penises on things is actually really fun.

  7. says

    First of all, I thought teabagging was something totally different, something involving balls in one’s mouth. Now I wonder what the hell one has been doing all these years. (See that? I used “one” so as not to implicate myself. It totally worked.)

    Secondly, I had a boyfriend who would rest his balls on my head while I was sleeping all the time, and now you tell me THAT has a name. All these years I thought it was our *thing*. I’m so naive.

  8. says

    I came to read this post because I thought that is was gonna be some snarky response to those crazy Tea Party people. But no. You actually wrote about the verb To Teabag. And now, I’m going to wait and watch my two young boys who already try to pull their penises as far away from their bodies as they can, “watch this, Mommy!” and know that teabagging is where they’re headed. Just when I was wondering what the next development leap I had to look forward to was gonna be. Awesome.

  9. says

    Yep, I have a son too. I haven’t officially used the word ‘teabagging’ for his ‘lets-whip-out-my-penis-isn’t-this-the-funniest-thing-in-the-whole-world’ antics, but I will now. Maybe it will make my husband do something about it.

  10. says

    I keep thinking that I can’t laugh any harder at your posts and then you post something new.

    Also next time I am coming over I am totally not letting my kid outta my sight, because that totally isn’t a conversation I want to have with her yet.

  11. says

    OMG. If my child ever teabags any one of the pugs, I will die. Right on the spot.

    Can you share a transcript of Andy’s talk? It might come in handy. Just in case.

  12. says

    OMG I think I just died and went to heaven. Where have you been hiding all my life? I cannot stop laughing. My sons think it is hilarious to rub their butts on everything in my house from candles to plants and helpless porcelain Michael Jackson figurines. But they have not yet figured out teabaggin. THANK GOD. And if and when they do…I am so blaming you. And your hilarious blog. Damn you.

  13. says

    oh, LOrD! I am soooooo glad I have girls! I thought it was bad enuf that my nephew called his brother a big, red, hairy penis in front of my girls, and now they are obsessed with the word penis. But, no….yours is worse!

  14. superkez says

    so i just showed this to my boyfriend, which i thought was only right, since i woke him up with my snuffled snorts last night when i read it the first time. his response; “wow, those boys are pioneers. most of us don’t get into teabagging until our teens.” totally serious. jeez.

  15. Kevin J. Hines says

    FYI: Boys have been depositing their sacks on other dudes’ chins as long as boys have had sacks. It’s a guy thing, trust me, but harmless (except for ball-sweat odor). It’s what boys do…

  16. says

    Not only was this a really funny post, but I kept getting confused and thinking maybe I wrote it (except that my boys are way too young to be teabagging anything), because I am often saying things that lead my husband to (lovingly, I’m sure) call me a psycho…and adding ‘your FACE is ____’ is pretty much my comeback to almost anything he says to me. Love it.

  17. alyssa says

    OKAY, SO. I just found your blog, and this was the second post i have read. LET ME TELL YOU, i have been JUST DYING WITH LAUGHTER! BAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “Your face is mentally ill” hahahahahahahahahaha. omg.

    and let me tell you. i have seen some real shit.

    I have a 14 year old brother, and a 14 year old cousin who both live with me.
    THEY scream EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE THINGS such as this in EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE PLACES! I am almost in stitches every single day… they have moved on from teabagging to much worse things….. I pray for you. haha. :)

    Thank you for making my day.

  18. says

    OMFG!!!!! I am sitting here trying to see what I am typing and can’t thru my tears of sheer laughter!!! I SO love your honest take on life with BOYS in the house. And dear Lord, please don’t let MY boys get this habit…. I’m happy with them just dancing naked in front of the plate glass front door window! LOL!

  19. says

    OMG, I now know why almost 17 years ago, I was praying, just praying for a little girl! I had no idea that this went on! I guess you learn something new everyday! Oh little boys and their “toys!”

  20. Lori says

    I have 2 sons. My second was a sign from God not to have more kids. He didn’t teabag anything, but he did cram a BEANbag between the cheeks of his butt, show it to The whole preschool class, and announce he had lipstick in his butt. No clue where that came from.

  21. says

    “Your face is ______” = best comeback EVER. I use it for absolutely everything, because I’m super mature.

    Also, tell Andy to shave. There is no reason for hair there.

  22. Josh says

    Hysterical. But one question is left unanswered: from whom did they learn to teabag? I think we all know, and methinks he needs to explain himself in a post…..

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