Whenever I talk to Andy about my blog, he is all what blog? Or I have no idea what you are talking about? Or My name is Andy, and I am a giant fart face who thinks you need to do more crap around the house instead of writing embarrassing things on the internet that totally nobody reads because you are clearly mentally ill.
Well guess what Andy, people do read me.
Famous people, even.
And also? KY.
No. For real. KY loves me.
Remember how I told you about how my son Wyatt dumped an entire bottle of KY Yours&Mine lube on my bedroom floor, and then my dad slipped in it and almost died?
Well, KY was like, Brittany, it’s almost Christmas. No way in hell can we allow you to go into the holiday season without sex jelly. Please let us replace it.
A Christmas miracle.
It’s like my own personal KY Santa Claus…who looks oddly like my Uncle Dean, who played Santa every year when I was little, and we had to sit on his lap, and he smelled like burnt hair and jingled change in his pocket the whole time.
Only, KY Santa is better, because not only do they not drop things on the floor for me to pick up so they can look down my shirt, but, they also threw in some other fancy schmancy lube called KY Intense.
And I was like, wait, do I have to review this, because I suck at that, and they were like, noooooo. Enjoy!
Which was exciting, except, crap…KY Santa greatly overestimates the sex going on in this house.
Plus, I saw the commercials for this stuff, and when the people used it, shit exploded, and the last thing I want for Christmas is a geyser shooting out of my vagina. That seems intense.
OMG…now I get it.
So anyways. It sat in my car for 2 weeks, tossed in the cup holder amongst the twix wrappers and lottery tickets, and I had to thrice stop the boys from using it as hand lotion.
Then Andy made me bring it into the house, because he thinks having lube in the car is a criminal offense. Apparently.
So, I brought it in, and waited for the kids to ALL NAP AT THE SAME TIME OMG.
Ok, so here is the deal.
I am going to try to keep things clean here, because for Christmas, I am going to give my dad the gift of not making him pass out when he reads this.
I put on the KY Intense, but never got to use it in a sexual context. Because the gas guy came over to light my fireplace pilot (OMG this could be a porno!).
Ok, so, he lit my pilot, and then went on to talk to me for 800 hours about random shit because we went to high school together, and there is nothing on the planet funner than trying to sit in the living room reminiscing about high school with a quarter size dollop of sex lube between my legs.
So, on the outisde, I was all, totally, good times.
But on the inside, I was like OMG GAS GUY, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. I am not about to climax while you tell me about how you cheated off of me in Spanish. Jesus Christ.
By the time he left, the kids were up.
I was, however, not able to comfortably sit for like 30 minutes, so I cleaned the entire downstairs and made 3 batches of Christmas cookies.
Andy has never been so excited ever, and almost came on the spot. He wants 10 bottles.
In fact, the only thing making me finish this post and not sit on the couch and rewatch the Glee finale eating Christmas cookies, is the KY Intense I tossed on.
It’s pretty much like Red Bull for your vagina.
**I got free lube in the mail and I used it, consider this shit disclaimed.