I am over MySpace.
I never use it anymore.
I now default to Facebook for my need to spy on the lives of others and pass judgment on ugly babies and closeted gay husbands.
Plus, the emo blog posts and grainy cell phone pictures of my half naked teenage cousin remind me, I am way to old for MySpace.
I am pretty sure I hit the age where my milkshake stops bringing boys to the yard. In fact, it’s less of a milkshake, and more like one of those yucky Ensure shakes old people drink to stimulate bowel movements. You know, the things they call a shake, but is totally just thick flavored old people milk.
Ok, I have to stop talking about it.
I’m getting all gaggy.
Regardless. I want out.
But, it turns out, MySpace? Impossible to quit.
It’s like the Taliban.
Or that stupid gym I joined that won’t refund my money even though I won’t go because they deliberately make me feel fat, plus they stopped serving everything bagels.
Oh! Or that stupid BMG Music club thing…my mom is still pissed the 12 Salt N Pepa and Spin Doctors cassettes I got for 99 cents went on to ruin her credit rating.
I keep trying to quit, but to do that, you need to confirm the I fucking quit this shit link they email you. But, the email they have on file for me is no longer in service, as in, along with MySpace account, I have also outgrown my firstname.lastname@example.org email address, and it is now rendered inactive. So, I can’t check it. Ever.
So, I tried to change my email, but to do that, you need to confirm your new email address in your old email account.
WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE OMG YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES.
So, I emailed to ask them to change it, and they were like, dude, we will totally change it, just confirm this here link in your old email address, and your new one will then be active.
I KNOW! I AM FUCKING JABBING MY EYES WITH HOT POKERS, TOO.
And, I was like, listen, I can’t access my old email anymore, is there anyway around this, I really want to close my account, can you please just do that for me?
And MySpace was all, quit!? Why would we make it easier for you to quit? We need to keep our numbers high, and bodies are bodies, even if you have removed your entire profile and are merely just a faceless box with a status message that says “MySpace can eat my sac.”
And that? Pissed me off.
I mean, I have the freedom to lie about my political views and post photoshopped pictures of myself on any social networking site I want, and if I want to stop doing that, I should totally be allowed to.
So, I emailed them back and was like, Ok MySpace, you win. I am totally staying, but can you maybe tell me how I can use all your new features to make my profile more appealing to underage children, specifically minorities and children who don’t speak English, but totally look like they like to party?
And then, they must have sensed the urgency of my previous emails, and passed them onto that MySpace Tom guy or something, because they canceled my account, like, 10 minutes later.
I am a mother of three, and I can’t spend an entire afternoon fighting with MySpace.
Plus, there was an Ace of Cakes marathon on, and I can concentrate on petty shit when I need to take my underwear off to watch cake shows all day.