Carrie, if you are reading this? I am sorry. And also, your husband sounds totally hot.

I’ve been places, people.

I’ve seen things.

24 hours ago…I could not describe to you the inside of the room someone would need to go into to produce a sample to test to see if their vasectomy worked or not.

Now I can.

I didn’t start out there.  I started out in the car.  With three kids.  Eating donuts and waiting for daddy to come out.

But, he was taking forever.  The natives were restless.

So we went inside.

All of us.

And, after I out-mean faced the lady at the desk (yeah lady, I do have all three kids with me, here, in the hallway of jack-off rooms, I’ve had a morning, get off my shit) she gave me his room number, and we crept down to Collection Room B.

It was quiet.  I don’t know what I expected.  Moans maybe?  Lots of shifting around?

Nothing.

tap. tap. tap.

Me: Hunny, listen, are you done yet because we still have to go to the party store?

Um…no?

Me: Right, no rush, but the boys are getting super restless.  Oh, and we went through Tim Horton’s and got donuts, we saved you some, they are in the car.   I had a bagel, though.  I think the cream cheese was bad, it smelled like vagina. *baby giggle, baby giggle* Oh listen hun, the baby is saying hi!  Hi papa. Hi daddy.  Hurry up papa, mama’s got a super busy day planned today, and she has to go to the party store to find some Jesus-y stuff for the Baptism.

Me: She is just adorable.  I could eat her up.  Yeah, so anyways, as soon as we are done here, I have to zoom over to order the cake and get some decorations.  Do you think a crucifix pinata would be weird?  I mean, I think the boys would have a good time with it, but is it tacky to beat Jesus on a Cross with an old broom stick handle?   I feel super awkward about it.

Carrie?

New Voice: Brittany? (Coming from the room behind me.  The room that, oh, I AM NOT STANDING IN FRONT OF AND WHISPERING INTO)

Am now figuratively peeing my pants.

So, I grab the kids and run into Collection Room D (D! FUCKING D!) and shut the door.

Annnnnddddddddd, I’m crying.

I just spent 5 minutes whispering into the door of a complete stranger about beating the son of God with a stick.  A stranger who was, um, that’s right…beating off into a cup!?

Oh hi creepy jerking off guy, let me help turn you on with Jesus talk and baby giggles, because, oh yeah, I’m a fucking lunatic!

So, there I am, death gripping the baby, my heart is racing, and thank God my husband has his pants on, because explaining to two young boys why daddy can touch his junk in public, but they can’t, is not on my shit to do today list.

Traumatizing everyone within a 50 foot radius of me, though?  Is.

So, my husband and I decided to make this a homework project, gathered our kids and the 9 billion hot wheels they managed to strew about (NOBODY TOUCH ANYTHING OMG THERE IS SEMEN EVERYWHERE), and we went back to the car for donuts, chocolate milk, and gobs of Purel.

And, because you are dying to know, my husband wouldn’t let me buy the Jesus pinata.  He said it’s a taste issue, and also, God hates pinatas.

Which is ridiculous.

Everybody likes Now & Laters.

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  1. says

    Man, if I was your husband, I’d be pretty mad at you. Sure, you may have been waiting two hours, but that means he was too, and to hear all that stuff when he might have just finally found a way to escape the pressure of the clinical setting and clock-watching nurses, might be legal grounds for murder. Or at least Extreme Pissiness.

  2. says

    Britt, this fucking cracked me up. Hope all goes well with Saturday, that you got the menu sorted out, and I’m with A… tacky to beat Jesus even in the name of baptisms.

  3. says

    The “natives” get restless everywhere, including the post-vasectomy jack off office. The lady at the desk needs to get a grip.

    And about the pinata, I heard that God loves pinatas and now & laters, just not hitting. So if you could orchestrate an interpretative dance around the pinata through which the children (and other participants) will the candy out, I think it would be perfectly appropriate.

  4. says

    Thank you for the laugh. I needed it today. That is so embarassing. He probably realized it wasn’t his wife early on but you just kept talking so he wasn’t sure what to do.

  5. Amy says

    Whew, thanks for finally writing again. That was some funny shit and believe me I can see myself there. Of course, I’m not sure that baby giggles are much of an aphrodesiac, so yeah.

    Anyway, awesomeness abounds. But, I feel like a crack addict and I’m not sure when the shakes are going to set in, so not so long next time, okay?

    :-) keep on keeping on.

  6. says

    “D” and “B” DO sound so much alike and I’m glad because this post had be crying laughing. My GOD that is hilarious!!!!!! And I needed that today, so thank you, thank you, thank you.

    P.S. I cannot picture a bunch of kids beating at Jesus with a bat. But maybe that’s just me… ;-P

  7. says

    “thank God my husband has his pants on, because explaining to two young boys why daddy can touch his junk in public, but they can’t, is not on my shit to do today list”

    I’ll be laughing about that for the rest of the week!!!!

  8. says

    I seriously am laughing to tears here. Never been to your site, but you have a loyal follower from here on out. I just read it to all my coworkers. Thank you for making my night!!!!!

  9. says

    FOFLMFAO – at work. Reading this. Damn-near pissed myself laughing and having to try and explain to my coworkers that I’m having a coughing fit even though it’s *TOTALLY* obvious that I’m laughing because, well, I still am.

    I took my “sample kit” home for target practice after I was neutered. (Well, not neutered, I still have them, but like congress they’re kind of useless now.)

  10. says

    Best laugh I have had in a long time. I got guilted into “being there” for my husband during his little procedure — stupid doctor said he was there for me when I delivered the babies and I should “be there for him” yeah we had a TV in my delivery room and he was watching the Bears Game.

    Great piece. TY for the laugh.

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