My 10 year high school reunion is 2 months away, and with that date hanging ominously over my head, it’s hard to come up with a post that doesn’t touch on how incredibly old I feel these days, and how that aforementioned oldness is effecting my life. I would like to think that I am still as awesome as I was in my youth, but a quick glance in the mirror punches me in the balls and tells me otherwise.
I’m not as awesome.
And tired looking.
Like those dirty hookers you see at the beginning of a Law & Order episode.
That is me.
But, with old age comes alcohol tolerance, oh and um…wisdom.
More like Celebrity Jeopardy wisdom, than say, like, real Jeopardy wisdom.
But still, totally considered wisdom.
And, it’s with this wisdom and confidence, that I am totally going to share with you now, all the totally relevant and awesome life lessons I have picked up along this strange trip they call life.
1. Always travel with a bottle of wine. Two if you are going to a funeral. Three if you are visiting my mother. Pack it in your carry on, wrapped in the emergency Spanx and jeans you packed just in case your luggage gets lost.
2. You don’t have to like being outside. It’s hot out there, and there are animals.
3. It’s ok to wear a maxi pad, even when you aren’t on your period, and especially if you are going running or to see a super funny movie.
4. There are some things you will never fit in to. For some, it may be the PTA. For me, it’s my skinny jeans.
5. Breakfast is always better for dinner.
6. There is totally nothing wrong with remembering the trips you have taken based on the names of the streets you vomited on at 4am.
7. Your pee is way less hot and gross than other people’s pee. Especially when it’s touching you.
8. If you hear a weird humming sound coming from my bedroom, don’t go in there. Especially if you are my father. Or my priest.
9. Don’t cut your hair after you have kids. It’s not easier. You look like your mother.
10. It’s totally ok, if in your whole entire life, you have only learned 9 things, but because you have serious anxiety and OCD issues, you feel the need to have lists with 10 things on them because it makes you way happier and less stabby.