Waiting rooms and Mennonites.

by Brittany on July 19, 2009

in Marriage, may or may not be a medical emergency, Stuff my husband won't let me talk about

Oh hai, vasectomy check-in admissions lady.

It’s 7am.

I got dressed in the dark to be here today.

My hair is a rat’s nest and I am wearing a leopard print bra under my white wife beater and some juicy sweatpants.

Not that it’s your job or anything, but a little advance warning would have been nice.  Like, you know, before I walk into a waiting room, full of Mennonites, and women in bonnets gasp and grab their crosses, and the men folk cover the eyes of their small Mennonite children, because I’m dressed like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends!?

But, it’s cool.  I’ll just sit here, being an abomination, reading my Twilight (!) book and discreetly trying to smell under my arms to double check my deodorant situation while people in homemade jeans and aprons glare at me in disgust.

Not like I haven’t had that happen before.

Sidenote:  These people make their own jeans?!  That is like the hardest thing ever!  I remember when I was little and my mom thought my jeans were too long, she would just cut them and hem them with whatever jacked up thread was in her sewing machine.  I looked like a giant tool.  If these Mennonites were smart, they would send a Mennonite jeans maker to be on Project Runway, ’cause you know those bitches always freak out when they have to do menswear, ’cause pants are hard as fuck, and these Mennonites would own that shit.

Where was I, oh yes, vasectomy.  So, I was waiting on that…until I remembered I had his post surgery required jock strap in my bag.  Which was super fun pulling out while I was looking for my lip gloss.

What’s up folks, it’s me, Hester Prynne, I am here to sleep with your bearded husbands, burn your villages and toss gigantic jock straps at your dead burning corpse.

But, at least it got me out of the waiting room long enough to jog my jiggly ass to the pre surgery prep area, where I found my husband, pale as a sheet, his first IV ever in his hand, with big navy hospital socks pulled up to his knees, kinda like the ones Holly wears on Girls Next Door.  It seriously would have been super sad and scary, if it wasn’t absolutely hilarious, trumped only by the fact that his surgery nurse was, oh yes, one of his mom’s oldest friends.  So, not only did I get to snicker 3949547593 times when the lady came in to double check  he was going in for sterilization (how Minority Report does that sound!?), but I also got to chuckle, that this lady, the one who has known Andy his whole entire life, was going to have a front row seat to shaving his balls.  I mean, he doesn’t even let me shave his balls!

It was bananas.

But, then they wheeled him back, and I got teary thinking about, in just a few short minutes, having babies would be done for me.

And I just, like, lost it.

No more peeing on sticks, or baby kicks, or picking out names.

I suddenly felt old and menopausal.  That part of my life was, unquestionably, over.

I mean, assuming his two post surgery semen samples met the sterilization quota.

And, while the thought of my husband having to fill tiny cups with semen made me smile, I was still sad.

So, I wandered back to the waiting room to wait for them to call my name.  The Mennonites were eating McDonalds.  It smelled super good.  I love McMuffins.  And hasbrowns.  And pancakes.

Mrs. Barefoot?

Oh my God, my mother in law showed up to his vasectomy, how creepy is that!?

No wait, she means me.  Why is my mouth wet?  Hold on, he’s already done?  You wiped away our fertility faster than it takes for Henry the pug to get his anal glands expressed at the vet?

As I walked down the hallway to the recovery room, my ovaries played Taps.

It was weird seeing such a strong man lying all covered up in a hospital bed with his legs spread open.  He looked so young and delicate.  I teared up again, put my arm across him, and told him how amazing he was, and how much I  loved him, and the kids loved him, and that I would wait on him hand and foot until he felt better.

Then he woke up, vomited on my arm, yelled that his balls hurt, and asked me if I had any deodorant on.

But, I know what he meant to say was…I love you, too.

Heather July 21, 2009 at 6:43 pm

Aw, love. Yeah, I’m getting an IUD like a week after Ooschie gets outta here. Or whenever they’ll let me.

You remember Salome, the really hot Mennonite girl with a juicy ass on Make Me a Supermodel last season? She was my favorite. She woulda won, too, but she jiggled too much when she walked. Mennonites must have a good sense of humor, ‘cuz why else would they name a girl destined for chastity after a Biblical seductress?

mountainmomma18 July 21, 2009 at 9:24 pm

I have totally been there with the mennonites, except because I am a polite midwesterner at heart I tried again and again to start a conversation. but after being ignored I forgot my upbringing and called a friend to make dick jokes, loudly, because I am a bitch.

Dejoni July 21, 2009 at 9:57 pm

No you didn’t bring up the pug’s anal gland problem in the same post as Andy’s vasectomy….Holy shit woman…you rawk!!

IrreverentMommy July 21, 2009 at 9:59 pm

Totally laughed out loud & didn’t tell hubby why.

I made a purse out of denim in grade nine and it was hard as fuck. Totally sewed it inside out & broke about 746 needles in the process. Mrs. Hearn totally failed me.

I’m going to the farmer’s market on Thursday & will be getting Mennonite bread. I’ll toast your hubby’s healing balls with their buns.

Jessica July 21, 2009 at 10:09 pm

awwww, you guys are so cute.

And for the record, I wear my leopard print bra under a wife beater all the time. ON PURPOSE.

Damn Mennonites.

Alana July 21, 2009 at 11:52 pm

OMFG – this made me laugh soooooooo hard! I totally know what you mean – about the feeling of no more babies, not the Prynne sisters watching you shake it. I remember when my hubby went in for the big snip. He was in and out quicker than it takes for us to get a pap smear.

Take care!

Alexia July 22, 2009 at 12:09 am

The only thing better than reading this post and laughing til my stomach hurt would be to have actually been there when you walked into the roomful of Mennonites oh.my.gosh.

Cheryl July 22, 2009 at 10:23 am

I love the aiming low blog, I dont have kids but I love mommie blogs fro some reason, LOL. Hey did you and Douche have a kid at the same time, or real close to it?

Jen@HappilyEverAfterLand July 22, 2009 at 7:55 pm

Oh, boy! I think you can now call it “even.” You birthed his babies, he chopped up the little man for you. Yep, even stevens!

Oh, and I’m sure you’re nervous about meeting all these blogging chicks at BlogHer, but that does NOT mean you have to read Twilight to fit in. They all already love you. Now put the book down, and slowly back away….

Bill July 23, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Freakin’ hilarious. When I got clipped, my wife deliberately drove the van over every pothole between the clinic and home. Had I not been doped up on Valium, I’m sure I would have appreciated the grin that stretched from ear to ear.

Michelle July 23, 2009 at 10:16 pm

I had my husband read this and he thought it was hilarious! He couldn’t stop laughing.

swirl girl July 24, 2009 at 12:25 pm

wait a minute- Mennonites eat McDonalds??

Traci July 26, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Every bit as funny as my all time favorite post, the MIL poop story!

Andrea July 27, 2009 at 9:45 am

HILARIOUS!! A friend shared this with me and I now have milk all over my laptop from the Henry the pug description! I’d love to know how he did in the days AFTER the procedure. My dh? Big ol’ baby…. I’d just had baby #2 via c/s and tubal, plus two days in ICU with a blood transfusion and didn’t take as many drugs as he did.

And yeah, Mennonite Project Runway!

Elaine July 27, 2009 at 10:01 am

I can’t believe the nurse knew him since childhood. That’s freakin’ hilarious! Hope his boys are feeling better. And your ovaries too…

Allison July 28, 2009 at 12:29 am

Balls.

How you turned this into a sweet love story is beyond me, but you did it!

:)

Loukia July 28, 2009 at 7:43 am

No wonder you are so loved! This post was great, original, brilliant. Because you made me smile, laugh, almost cry, and laugh again. You’re awesome, and I look forward to meeting you at BlogHer ’10 in NYC. That is – if you have time to meet little ‘ole me! It would be an honour to meet you.
You are fabulous, and you have the sexiest avatar on Twitter ever. :)

Jenni Jiggety July 28, 2009 at 8:59 pm

I was so mad at my husband after his vasectomy that I cut holes in the ice packs he bought so that they would melt all over his crotch.

I am an evil woman.

Jordan July 29, 2009 at 1:57 pm

I have never read a better vasectomy account…ever. not that i read them on the regular or anything…

Daddy Geek Boy August 6, 2009 at 2:50 pm

As somebody who has literally put my balls out there and blogged about my own “sterilization”, it’s cool to read about it from the wife’s perspective.

But seriously, his mom was there? Really?

I went by myself.

lisa September 27, 2009 at 5:10 pm

I dont read others comments. I am that self centered. That is why I only ever capitalize “I”

Don’t mourn your fertility. Remember pregnancy. And breastfeeding. And look at pictures of when you were your favorite size. (Ive seen only headshots of you. On this blog. Which is a book. For me…THANK YOU. To me you are 5-9 and (not looking at the blogher pics but the sexy hair pics) size 8 or 10. I am short so maybe being 5-9 is better 6 or 8. Whichever is smaller.

ps jealousy/envy/deadly sins at your amazing ability to be funny and so young in spite of having to stay at home rather than do your (student loan funded) career.

Nik October 18, 2009 at 6:26 pm

My husband had a seizure and passed out halfway through his vasectomy. And pissed himself. As a result, he is only sterile on the left side.

I get cut in half 3x, and he can’t even get an inch cut on each nad? Pussy.

erika April 6, 2010 at 6:13 pm

that was hilarity!!! im now 37 weeks pregnant (i cant sit or walk or lay or do anything except eat (small amounts) without it hurting somewhere) and i would kill to have had my husband fixed 37 weeks ago! oh and about the Mennonites they are crazy intense….all i have to say but they make damn good butter (that i shouldn’t have eaten throughout this pregnancy!) thank you for making my belly hurt tho it was so worth it!!!

erika

Ifeelya August 24, 2010 at 6:33 pm

I feel ya!!! I lived around them for 8 years, I know exactly what you mean, lol some of the older ones would pray out loud at the site of me,lol, use to crack me up!

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