Rule of the universe #485748…You will always look like crap when you run into your ex-boyfriends mom in Target.
While you are there shopping for hemoroid cream, maxi pads and giganatic brief cut underwear.
And, you totally want to tell her you just had a baby, and your hair isn’t always flaky and stuck together in big greasy chunks, and you are normally totally on top of plucking your eyebrows, and you totally own nice shirts without pit stains and dried leaky milk spots on the front, but, you’re too tired to explain, and you can’t be sure the folded tube sock you used in place of the maxi pad (that you are totally out of!) isn’t leaking down your leg righthissecond.
There just isn’t time for the explanation this tragic situation clearly deserves.
So, she just smiles, looks you up and down, and talks to you about how kick ass her son is doing, with his skinny hot wife, and their new boat, and the third world orphans they just adopted, and you smile and nod, but what you really wanna say is, listen bitch, your son had the smallest penis ever, and his breath always smelled like ranch dressing, so his skinny wife and the orphans can keep him, I ain’t missing a thing!
So, after five more minutes of passive agressive banter, because, after all, you did dump her son right after homecoming and she is clearly still bitter, (and while she thinks it was because you were only using him for the limo, you secretly know it was because he stole your underwear twice, and oh yeah, his breath smelled like ranch dressing!) you say goodbye, and make your way up to the check out. After you stop to grab a big bottle of KY, because your six weeks of celebacy are almost up, and there is no way things are going down, down there without lots of lube and, probably, whiskey.
So, as you wait your turn behind the old smelly lady with 900 tiny cans of cat food and 500 coupons, it only makes sense that you ex boyfriend’s mother finds her way behind you in line.
Which is wonderful.
Because now you are her son’s ex girlfriend that wears huge underwear and likes anal sex.
What the fuck, universe?
The parents of the boys I dated in high school never liked me.
Which, I never quite understood, because my friends were way bigger whores than I was.
I didn’t even put out.
But, I did fancy myself some push up bras, swear words, and flirting with daddies…sigh…I guess some things never change.