It’s funny where you can have your find Jesus moment.
For me, it was sitting on the toilet in my OB’s office with piss on my hands.
But, it was my own piss…so not entirely disgusting.
It is just getting increasingly hard for me to catch things in a cup.
I am sitting on the toilet seat, which was totally wet when I sat down on it btw (I am just too bulky to hover these days), and I can’t catch my pee in the cup, and I have no idea what my vagina even looks like anymore, and I just start crying.
Which I feel bad enough about, because I know there are probably 5 other pregnant women with full bladders dancing and holding onto their crotches outside the door, but then, the muzak version of Jesus Takes the Wheel comes on, and I just start sobbing more, because I thought about how ridiculous Danny looked in his super gay white coat on Idol the other night with the collar popped, but then I also thought about how stressful life has been lately, and how much I suck at doing anything about it.
Like…oh I don’t know, that I have done more in preparation for my BlogHer trip in July, and my 10 year High School Reunion in October, then, say…for the baby I am popping out next month, which God knows how I am going to pull off that feat, as I haven’t done a single keegle, and am purely relying on the same muscles that fail to keep me from not wetting myself every time I sneeze to just allow the baby to fall out after a few pushes and a phlegmy cough.
Or, how I am scared to answer the phone each time my husband calls me, afraid he will say they are laid off again, because the auto industry doesn’t get the luxury of having hundreds of billions of dollars pumped into them like the financial district, and they have to, like, adhere to strict ethical guidelines, and jump through hoops in order to receive government aid, even though it would be way funner to just, like, go on super luxurious retreats, have sex with fancy hookers with condoms made from $100 bills, and give each other bonuses for being awesome.
Sadly, it that totally never pans out that way for us.
So, I sat on the toilet holding my empty cup and cried. Cried because I was worried. And, cried because I was scared.
And, like he always does during super tragic moments of despair and desperation (hello, Gilmore Girls series finale, anyone?), Jesus showed up, and it wasn’t at all awkward that I was sitting on a toilet…not wearing pants.
And he was all, what’s wrong, and I was all, listen, you gotta take the wheel, I am a complete mess. Then he was all, OMG did you see that coat that Danny was wearing, and I was all, dude, I know, gay, right? And he was like, totally gay. But, then I was like, no listen, for reals, I need help here, I am just super stressed, and worried, and I am, like disgustingly huge, and he was all, whatever, you are hot, and I was like, well…maybe, I mean my husband totally wants to get all biblical with me, but I think it may just be my pregnancy musk, and he was like, no way, and I was like, really, ’cause I feel like I look like octomom, and Jesus was all, pshaw, more like Salma Hayek.
And, then I stopped crying.
And, I asked him what to do about all this anxiety and worry I had all the time, and he was like, just chill about it, it sucks for everyone these days, and Madoff can totally suck my dick right now, but this to will pass. And I was all, ok, I mean, it’s just that it is super upsetting, ya know? And he was like, I know, is there anything I can do for you to maybe cheer you up a bit? And I was all, OMG you are the sweetest person ever, and I am totally craving pizza rolls and that punch with scoops of rainbow sherbet floating in it, and he was like, absolutely, now lets wash our hands of this, and I was like, oh for sure, like a cleansing of the stress, and he was all, um no, like to get the pee of your hands, you smell like urine.
So, I pulled my pants up, washed my hands and face in the sink, and ignored the stink eye the pregnant girl gave me when I walked out, because I was having pizza rolls and sherbet punch.
And it was good.